The only thing worse than Indian food is Indian food disguised as Mexican food. The Curry Up Now truck catered my work lunch today. Free food usually tastes better so I checked it out. One bite and my body started rejecting it. I spit that shit right out.  I can’t believe they disgraced a La Palma tortilla with this mess. Blarg.

Burning Man - It’s that time of year again. SF will be emptying out come the weekend but between now and then the city turns into a fucked up gauntlet of urban gypsies, circus freaks and art fags. That’s why I’m bailing the scene for Maui. Fuck Burning Man.

It was a regular Cougar Convention at Outside Lands this year. These photos were taken 5 minutes before this woman was crowned Cougar of the Year. She was escorted by  this super super gay dude who was trying to pretend he was attracted to women. He’s all blurry because he was doing his best impersonation of the Jersey Shore fist pump meets Riverdance action on the dance floor.

People Over 30 taking acid – Consider this a public service announcement for those of you over 30 who may be thinking, “Damn, I haven’t taken acid in like 15 years. Maybe I should do some and see what happens” DO NOT TAKE IT. I’m not speaking from personal experience because I fucking no better BUT I had the unfortunate privilege of babysitting a 37 year old friend of mine recently who decided it would be a good idea to take the acid given to him by a group of Philippino teenagers.

And I will leave you with……

This VERY important reference document.

I’m off to Maui, brah.

TARA REID IS BACK!

In other news this tumblr is awesome!

“Do you know where this is? I think I left my pants there when I picked up that blow. ”

“THIS BITCH!….She keeps sucking down all the shots….I put on my good club pants for THIS?”

Team Work!

“ummmmmmmmmm…., do you think anyone can see my vagina? i promised TMZ i’d wag it around while I was here”

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! Stoooooooop it! Everyone is looking at us!”

“YOU BRING ME ANOTHER BOTTLE OR NO ONE IS GETTING A FREE TICKET TO TARADISE!”

Rosé with ice cubes for the win!

and now I present…

Comic-Con 2010

• Someone got stabbed in Hall H this year.  You can thank nerd rage for providing this little gem: ‎”The suspect was later seen being led away in handcuffs. He had on a blue ‘Harry Potter’ T-shirt.”

• “Comic-Con was AMAZING! Some asshole in a midevil knight costume let me treat him like a fucking  human pinata but instead of candy, it rained emasculation and indignity”

•  The album title Teflon Don makes a lot more sense now.  Mr. Rick “I’m A Boss” Ross was keeping it magnificent all over the line for the Walking Dead panel. He sniffiled, “But I’m a boss….” when the dude came out and told us no more were being let in.

• Poetry in motion

• My favorite overheard quote of the weekend: “You don’t happen to know where Thor’s hammer is by chance do you?”

• Other awesome quotes:

“Take THAT Tonya!”

“I’ve eaten more pretzels and nacho cheese dip than last year!”

“Dude…..that’s soooooo many Leias”

“Oh, what? Sorry I was just looking at Olivia Munn’s butt”

“Blessed Black Wings Bro!”

“I HAVE a girlfriend now….NO! Real Life, not Second Life!!!”

“I wouldn’t want a hug from that guy ever….I don’t care if it IS free”

• Favorite product: Shirtless Kirk Cologne. Set Phasers to Stunning

This was an actual meal I consumed. I’d like to say it tasted good. It did not. When it’s 3am, you’re alone drunk on Jameson in the hotel pantry you tend to make poor selections usually rooted in something misguided logic like….color. These are all packaged in orange and blue. Should taste good right? WRONG.  One of these items was shop lifted. I promised my brother I’d steal something. Are you happy now?

• Ballers only!

Someone fucked up and let me into a party on the rooftop at the Hard Rock Hotel for the movie The Expendables.  After my fourth free Jameson, I decided to brave the douchebaggery and head to the restroom. Whilst wading through a sea of rouched mini-dresses and Ed Hardy formal wear, I spied Daniel Dae Kim aka Jin from LOST. I freaked out for two seconds but stayed focused. I needed to pee and walking up to Jin at a party like this wasn’t a good look. I eye raped him for a few more seconds then went about my bathroom business.

Lucky for me and unlucky for Jin, we ended up exiting the bathroom at the same exact time. We made brief eye contact and then he proceeded to walk down the hall towards the party. Ol’ drunk vagina brain took over and instead of letting him walk away, I decided it would be a good idea/acceptable to grab both his shoulders from behind, lean in and slur into his ear “OH MY GAWD, I LOVE YOU!….On LOST….I love you, on Lost. You are so great….on LOST. I love you.” He was gracious not freaking out as a complete stranger squeezed the shit out of him and refused to let go all the while uncomfortably close talking spraying whiskey scented compliments directly into his ear/neck. He thanked me a few times while he wiggled out of my clutches. When he finally shook free one arm I realized out loud, “OH MY GOD, I’M TOUCHING YOU….I’m so, so, so, so, so, sorry.” He thanked me again, said “It’s OK. Have a good night” and then proceeded to walk away as fast as one person could without running.

This is how one should NOT to talk to a celebrity. I’m sure Jin is somewhere telling the same story “Dude, I got accosted by a drunken she-nerd at the Expendables party. I’m so fucking glad LOST is over. This Hawaii Five-O reboot is just what I need.”

**special thanks to the Hand of Loom for awesome pictures