Hater Tuesday

Cadillac Records starring Beyonce as Etta James
It’s too bad this movie is going to suck. Etta James is a fucking legend and hands down my favorite female vocalist of all time.
Beyonce is the last person on the planet who should be considered to portray Etta James. She’s the polar opposite of Etta. Etta knows it too. She said about Beyonce, “I wasn’t as bourgie as she is, she’s bourgeois. She knows how to be a lady, she’s like a model. I wasn’t like that… ”

Etta has always been a big girl. Someone better be putting Paula Deen on retainer as B’s personal chef and start issuing her supplements of heroin and red wine STAT. I’ll be God Damned (yes, with capital letters I’m fucking serious) if Im going to watch 90 minutes of Beyonce yodeling her way through Etta James songs in a fat suit.

Id rather watch 90 minutes of this.

If at any time while reading this post you thought to yourself, “um who’s Etta James”, we can and will never be friends. Now, go learn so that I don’t have to cut you from my entourage. The first clip is vintage awesome Etta. She’s 24 years old. The second is from the early 90s during Etta’s cocaine and whisky phase as evidenced by the excess sweat and inclusion of Dr. John on an this super extended over the top performance of the otherwise heartfelt song, “I’d Rather Go Blind.”

Pussy Triangles

Another underwear alternative? Dude, whatever happened to wearing fucking panties or wearing a skirt that actually covers your lady parts or how about just keeping your damn legs closed and sitting like a fucking lady for once? Why the fuck do people keep trying to reinvent the wheel? My pussy does not need a strapless eye patch. After reading the directions, I’m pretty sure you have to be a gymnast to apply the damn thing properly. This bullshit is held in place with “adhesive strips” which requires several preparation steps including but not limited to “cleaning the area” and “waxing BEFORE not AFTER” adhesive is applied. Oh and it may cause irritation. And you have to pee around the eye patch by pulling it to the side. Like a bathing suit, when you are 10 years old and too lazy to pull it down the whole way. Check out this fucking massive list of directions . They obviously haven’t done proper market research - the stupid hoes that are going to be buying this shit can barely spell their names let alone read. I hope they include some diagrams with them shits.

Mad props to the ladies over at Missbehave Magazine who posted a pic and hipped me to the wonkness last week.

Player of the Week

The dude(s) at Fox who thunk up “Moment of Truth” are my new heroes. This is the best worst idea for a TV show EVAR! The episode up there is the most recent one. Some broad royally fucks off her marriage and we all get to watch. The premise of the show if you aren’t familiar is basically the same as truth or dare. But there is no dare part. You are attached to a polygraph and asked a bunch of “controversial” questions. Your answers are recorded and then kept from you. Then host dude asks you questions one at a time that are linked to a cash prize. A creepy robot voice announces to everyone if you are lying or telling the truth. The questions get more and more difficult to answer as the game progresses but, the cash prizes grow also. This ho blew the whistle on herself, admitting that she’s cheated and thinks she should be with her ex instead of her husband. She ends up fucking herself in the end but I won’t spoil it. Watch it for yourself.

I’d love to hijack this show, my questions would be so, so, so fucked up. I mean anyone can ask “Have you cheated on your husband?” or “Do you wish your parents were dead?” or “Do you resent your mother for not letting you learn ballet?” That’s

Questions, I’d ask - What would you ask?

“Have you ever poked your grandmother in the eye with the tip of your wang while she’s napping?”
“Are you sexually attracted to Carrot Top”
“Is Oprah a lesbian?”
“Are you on this show for the money or just so you can be on TV?”
“Would you agree to having a scrotum surgically attached to your chin for the rest of your life in exchange for one million dollars?”
“Have you ever fantasized about your mom blowing you?”
“Do I look fat in this?”
“Are you homo?….*no homo*”
“Did you vote for Bush?”