SXSW blew through Austin harder than Superhead at the 2003 Source Awards. I didn’t get to witness the shit show but you KNOW I got eyes on them streets. This entire edition is dedicated to the marketing circle jerk that is SXSW…(yeah, I’m just mad I didn’t get to go).
Special Edition: SXSW Shit That I Don’t Like
All hate provided by one of our most qualified haters-at-large, HWSHBNBN (that’s pronounced, He Who Shall Hate But Not Be Named).
Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe
85 percent of the white girls at SXSW were sartorially down with HBO’s GIRLS. And if you had the slightest boner for Lena Dunham’s look, you were walking around with a perpetual hard-on. And if you find Lena just a little annoying, her Mini-Minions were fucking off-the-meter insufferable. They pack the sidewalks, wearing Ray-Bans, stupid hats, and sandals, complaining about their illnesses, neuroses, and boyfriends. If you’re stuck behind them in line for a showcase, you can feel your soul leaving your body.
Now, if you’re trying to emulate Lisa Lisa circa 1987, with the bicycle shorts and teased bangs (which I also saw), I wholeheartedly approve.
People = Shit
I know Hater Tuesday loves her some Dave Grohl so I dutifully showed up at his Sound City Players gig. Pat Smear must be kicking himself: “I was in the Germs but now I’m playing rhythm guitar for a bar band with Corey Taylor, Rick Springfield, and John Fogerty, what the hell did I do wrong?” And do we need to hear Corey Taylor singing Cheap Trick songs? Couldn’t Dave fly out Robin Zander?
Before his all-star band made a note I went hard at two yuppie pricks for berating a girl half their size for taking “their place” after they went and got beers. It takes a lot for me to get fired up but I called them out for bullying the girl. They claimed they were there for two hours, and I told them, “Tough sh*t. It’s YOUR bad you left. Last time I checked, you don’t have a ticket that says ‘Railing’.”
The traumatized girl stepped off, which left an uncomfortable silence that lasted the rest of the show. That’s fine with me. The moral here is to always speak up—it’s healthy and you’ll feel a lot better.
[PREACH BROTHER! People = Shit. For, real son. At the SCP show in Park City, I had a similar experience. I was up front, the person in front of me was holding onto the railing. Around 1.5hrs in some douchebag comes barreling through with these two tramps holding their drinks above their heads spilling all over everyone in their path like idiots. The lady behind me and I locked eyes almost instantly when we saw him coming right for us. We stood as wide as we could, linking arms so he couldn't get through. He body checked the lady behind us and tried to push through yelling at us calling us fat bitches. I threw my entire body weight into him, body checked him and told him to grow a dick. He called us cunts and tried to throw a drink at us and then finally the men around us were like "Hey dude...you're an asshole" then he took off in the other direction in just a shitty a way as he had entered. WTF?
Re: Corey Taylor - How else are Slipnot fans going to be exposed to Cheap Trick? And look how happy it makes Dave.
(Picture from Sound City Players first ever show at Park City Live in Park City, Utah & Video is from the same show and now lives in my personal spank bank)
Hitting the Skins
I had awesome chicharrones de pollo (a.k.a fried chicken skin) in Austin. How is this not on every menu in America? Any butcher shop has stockpiles of it.
[Cosign. Mark my words, it will surface on many places in SF by end of year]
Where Y’all From, Bro?
Austin is still not used to minorities. I get the same “approving” knowing-nod condescending looks walking around downtown Austin as I do when I’m in Santa Cruz (where this ALWAYS happens). At the Linsanity screening, some white guys sitting behind me were laughing to each other: “This is the most Asians I’ve ever seen at SXSW.” One dude dropped his phone down the seat next to me and I would have kicked it down the stairs if I was fast enough.
One of the best visions I saw that week was a Korean American redneck and it was beautiful—like seeing a rare bird in flight. Super tight MMA shirt, Wrangler boot cuts, and snakeskin boots. Pomade side part, with his white boy weed carrier dressed up in A/X. What conversations go on in that flatbed truck?
Hipster Rap Still Sucks
I saw Kitty Pryde. She was easily the worst, cringingly awful act I’ve seen in years, decades. How? Why?
[Don't even get me started. I'll just say this: I heard Chippy Nonstop just wore a baggy t. No pants. And one more thing...Someone needs to teach these bitches that slow talking or fast talking over a Fruity Loops/GarageBand/JackedSoundcloud/Reason/Whateverthefuckbasicassbeat does not a mutherfucking rap song make. G'ah]
White Boy Alert
Seeing Macklemore everywhere was a drag. In public. Peering on posters. In the newspaper. Macklemore? I want MackleLESS.
[You know that's right. GET SOME FAT TREL IN YO' LIFE!]
And that concludes the special guest hate. Thank you HWSHBNBN!
COMEDY SHIT I DO LIKE
I will be in Boston, THIS SATURDAY MARCH 23! I am performing in the Women in Comedy Festival at CLUB PASSIM, show is at 10pm. If you are a person I know that I haven’t seen in a while, this could be the place where we awkwardly reunite. If you are a complete stranger, this could be where you gaze at me from a far, soak in my genius and turn to your attractive single male friend and say, “You should be with someone like HER…wait you should be with HER.”
Too far? OK fine. Just think about it. Tickets are available online. Click Here dummy.
I’ll be back in California and at the San Jose Improv on March 31. If you wanna go and don’t like paying for things send me a DM, Facebook MSG, email, carrier pigeon or whatever form of communication you feel comfortable with and I will add you to the guest list until the promoter goes “Hey, WTF….I want some people to pay!” Sound Good? Good.