Archive for December, 2012

Ladies & Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday

Today’s episode is brought to you by Pseudoephedrine and Mucinex…..

I’m home sick today. I’ve got enough pseudoephedrine crankin thru my sys to make my own batch of the blue stuff.

It’s cold everywhere in my apartment except right in front of my heater so my cat and I are playing a game called, “How Close Can We Sit Before We Singe Ourselves?”

Needless to say, I’m absolutely filled to the brim with hate and I’ve been watching TV all day so here we go….

Shows We Don’t Need …

Another show written and hosted/staring Whitney Cummings. Don’t get me wrong I’m not hating on her directly per se but I am hating on the fact that she has three fucking shows right now and there are like a 1000 other super talented women who DON’T have shows and should. I’m offended that the people in TV land think that Whitney Cummings speaks to ALL of us. She doesn’t. 99% of the time I’m thinking “WTF is going on with her hair” when I’m watching her perform.

Other Ladies Who Deserve Shows Now

Retta -  This woman is goddamned American treasure. She’s sassy, foul-mouthed, opinionated, intelligent, beautiful and fucking hilarious. I only get to see her face like 3 minutes a week on Parks & Recreation. It’s not enough. NOT ENOUGH! I can imagine Retta doing a vibrant talk show called “Ask Retta” where she provides sarcastic on-air advise to her studio audience.

Chelsea Peretti - She’s been a writer before for lots of cool things (Parks & Rec, Sarah Silverman Program) but she’s not on my TV regularly enough. The perfect show would be something much like The Eric Andre Show, a half-hour of silly billy antics fueled by sound cues and short sketches.

Jackie Kashian – Jackie speaks to a nation of un-girly, girly, girls. She’s been a girl nerd longer than it’s been cool to be a girl nerd. She doesn’t wear black rimmed glasses or cute ironic tees but she’s crazy smart, loves comic books and struggles with her own brand of awkward. I’d love to see her in a situational comedy that explores her life in the “dork forest.”

Other Shows We Don’t Need

Any “reality” show exploring regional idiocracy. MTV is filling the Jersey Shore void with “Buckwild” a trainwreck of show that appears to be celebrating redneck hipsterism. TLC has been in overdrive churning out shows like Breaking Amish, My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding, Sin City Rules, Honey Boo Boo, Sister Wives, ect. It was funny at first but now I’m scared. This country is filled with fucking crazy people and we are encouraging it by giving them TV deals. I miss scripted television. A lot.

In Other News …

I’ve got a lot of REAL COOL shows on the horizon including but limited to a rad NYE show with Marga Gomez in SF at the Brava Theater.

My monthly women’s showcase Ladies Love will be descending upon the Punch Line in SF with yours truly doing a nice long set.

I’ll also be featured in this year’s SF SKETCHFEST!

Details on all these shows can be found on my TUMBLR page that is linked over there to the right.

Party on Wayne….Party on Garth!

Ladies & Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday

Unsolicited Advice

Next election, STOP FUCKING ASKING ME IF I VOTED. Of course I did. I’m not an asshole. I didn’t wear the sticker because I’m not a fucking child. I’m helped decide the fate of our country — a sticker seems a little trivial. How about I walk around with my head held high like a goddamn American, that can be my reward. It should be yours too.

Now for some comedic relief…..

Attention Everyone: Please stop posting pictures of an entire paragraph on Instagram. I don’t care how inspirational it is. Also, stop posting pictures of your food. You are clogging up my timeline, delaying me from seeing pictures of Rihanna smoking blunts shirtless, other people’s pets and blurry concert photos. That’s why I’m on Instagram.

Speaking of Rihanna…

This dude REALLY knows how to pick a user name. I can’t wait to get famous so that I can be lucky enough to have such creative fans.

Just because I’m NOT famous doesn’t mean I DON’T get awesome unsolicited/undecipherable fan messages on Facebook. Check out this gem:

Aaaaaand these are the kinds of people who follow me. What am I doing with my life? I don’t know whether to be disgusted or proud.

Things We Don’t Need

Iced Cake Vodka by Smirnoff…it’s MORE than just notes of sugar and vanilla. It tastes JUST LIKE THE CAKE FROM THE BOX!!! As if we needed faster sweeter ways for hoes in the club to go from zero to shitfaced.

In celebration of this ho-lixir, I’ve penned some ad copy to target their key audiences:

Kiss your virginity goodbye, with Smirnoff Iced Cake it’s going to be the BEST PROM EVER! Making bad decisions never tasted so good.

Leave your dignity at home, all you’ll need is a spare pair of panties and a morning after pill. Smirnoff Iced Cake will take care of the rest. Making bad decisions never tasted so good.

Move over Moscato, Smirnoff Iced Cake is here to help get you place first in that Bad Bitch contest Kanye keeps talking about.


And now for some plugging

As a reminder, I do stand-up. At places with stages. Mostly at night. Largely in the SF and Oakland. You can come see me.

I host an ALL FEMALE showcase called LADIES LOVE THE LAYOVER in Oakland. Our next show is DECEMBER 11 .

That’s next Tuesday. It’s FREE. We tell jokes from 8:30pm – 10:00pm.

Follow us on Tumblr.