Archive for July, 2012


Trends I Approve Of

The blurry image you see above features the arm of an inventive young man who’s taking the fist bump to a whole new level. He’s got a shake weight…in the club. Because bro…sometimes a day of GTL isn’t enough. If you want those gorilla pecks and biceps you gotta SHAKE WEIGHT IN THE CLUB. Obviously, I introduced myself and immediately asked to blow him. I mean come on. SHAKE WEIGHT IN THE CLUB!!!

One Too Many Sets of Arms


You can’t BOTH wear tank tops to the mall. There ARE rules.

Teamwork

What we have here is a Smart Car and a moped working together to fuck up not one, not two but THREE whole parking spaces. Neither of these vehicles needs a whole space – yet – here they are hogging up three. Fuck you. Fuck you in your face.

Fuck All Live Shows NOT Are Not The LIVE Eric Andre Show

I can’t even begin to tell you how buck this show got. It went hard. Turnt up Official. If you weren’t there….kill yourself.

Not pictured: Wayward tangerines, whole hoagies, streams of mustard and ketchup, at least three terrified hipster girlfriends getting beaned by flying glassware, Eric Andre, Hannibal Burress.

Ladies and Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday

Attention corporate coffee shop employees: Never ask me, “How many pumps?” after I’ve ordered an iced coffee with sugar-free vanilla. Ever…. Ever. Ever! The only time I want to hear that sentence is if  I’m on an interactive tour of The Armory in SF. YOU work at the coffee shop. YOU are supposed to KNOW how many go in there. Not me.

Attention hoity-toity artisan coffee shops: When I say, “Can I have a double iced latte?” DO NOT respond with. “No…well technically YES but you should know that ice does ruin the integrity of the espresso.” in a cunty tone. Never. I don’t GIVE a shit about the integrity of the espresso. What I care about is being caffeinated…quickly. For $4+ I should be able to request the coffee over petrified cat shit if I want to.

Don’t Tread On Weed


Fuck the Federal government and the forced closures of the city’s two BEST medical marijuana clubs in SF – HopeNet & Vapor Room. These two clubs are run by amazing people who are knowledgeable and actually CARE about their patients. They aren’t selling drugs. They are selling comfort and hope. As a caregiver for two parents with cancer, I’m pretty qualified to speak on the topic. Medical marijuana has been INSTRUMENTAL in the treatment for both my parents. Access to a constant supply of high grade reasonably priced medicine is not easy to come by. Hope Net hands down has the BEST edible medicine in the city. Their pricing is amazing for the quality and strength of their product. Their red velvet cupcakes are one of the few items that quell my father’s anxiety and pain caused by his Lymphoma. Sure I can have the product delivered but for how long? How long before they say delivery is no longer an option? How long before I have to go back to making purchases from drug dealers who sell more dangerous drugs? I’m so over the bullshit. Let’s just legalize and tax this shit already.

SWAGGER JACKERS!!!


LMFAO has been confusing the shit out of me for years. It’s never made sense to me – the look, the music, the fame. But everything has changed since I watched Club Paradise. What’s that? You’ve never seen the ’80s classic featuring loads of your comedic idols including Eugene Levy, Robin Williams, Peter O’Toole, Rick Moranis, Twiggy and her amazing vintage rack? I hadn’t seen it either so I rented that shit.

Eugene Levy and Rick Moranis portray two characters both named Barry, commonly referred to as “The Barrys”. Best characters ever.

Redfoo and Skyblu, I see you! I see what you’re doing….I get it. And I respect you. No that’s a lie. I don’t respect you. I still think you are a couple of clowns but props for dipping into the deep cuts for your ironic inspiration.