Archive for April, 2012


Ladies & Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday

Brian McKnight you are NOT RKelly.

Stop playin’….No one wants to hear you literally singing about pussy. Kells is the master because he doesn’t say “Did you know that it squirts” he uses a metaphor like a goddamned professional. Now go back to singing bullshit for soccer moms and keep your wrinkly forehead out of the sexy R&B game. Damn.

Memories

My Dad recently gave me four smelly, musty boxes of what I anticipated to be bullshit momentos from his youth to sort through and organize. To my surprise there ended up be some GEMS. Amazing photos of my parents as children, report cards, army pictures, pictures of doobied out relatives from the ’70s and some OG hater shit from my Dad. I’m gonna be sorting through this junk and posting up some of the better shit. Like this….

Taken at a my friend Amelia’s Quincieñera around 1990-1991. I’m 13 or 14. His name is Adolfo. We are emphatically pointing to Marlboro Reds on a cigarette machine. I have NO idea which adult asked us to pose like this.  I mean seriously, who does that….”Hey kids, stand by this vending machine for death and point to your favorite brand. Oh and smile!” I’m holding my fan like that because I’m embarrassed by my prematurely huge rack. I walked around like that all night covering my clevage. Two weeks later, I kissed Adolfo on the lips at a bus stop after school. Two years later, he told me he was gay.

This photo was taken approximately 4 hours after said Quince. I’m pretty sure my Dad took this one. He really took pride in capturing those special moments. Fun facts about this photo:

1. I shared a room with my 2 year old brother.

2. That IS a Keanu Reeves collage next to my bed.

3. Yes, I DO have white satin bedding.

Facebook is the New MySpace

First it was hella event spamming, Then it was tagged ads and porn links. Then it was forced Timeline. Now it’s unsolicited “Other” messages from fucking weirdos. What’s that? You’ve not gotten any other messages from fucking weirdos? Oh well let me share this one with you.

The most disturbing part of this message is when he compares finding my profile to finding his missing ribs….which he has been missing for a while now. Is he telling me that he has no ribcage? That he’s a bag of man meat just sitting in a chair? Or is he trying to tell me he’s Adam…the original man who lost his rib to make Eve? Am I Eve? Fucking creeeeepy. Another disturbing fact, he finds my profile “honest and touching.” I don’t know if he’s on the right profile because 95% of my profile is profanity, pictures of shitty comedy shows, weird inside jokes, RKelly lyrics and odes to weed smoking.

Do You Want Pancakes?

My buddy Thug E Fresh is pretty much the best/worst person to chill with when you are feeling down. He’ll get you drunk, make you forget and laugh your woes away. Then you wake up the next day at his house feeling like someone put your insides into a Vitamix and poured them back down your throat with some Ipecac before you went to sleep. Right before you are about to swear death upon his house…he offers to make you pancakes. Thuggy fed me bacon like ice chips, made me Peppermint tea, pancakes, eggs and then drove me home in a convertible bumping UGK and Too $hort once I felt human again. So yeah….FUCK YOUR FRIENDS. MINE ARE THE BEST.

In Other News….

I am performing with the delightful Marga Gomez in Marin next month. It’s a stellar line up of very funny, very smart ladies. Come out.

Ladies & Gentlemen It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday!

This Friday is 4/20. Every year I post the same thing. My manifesto holds strong. You can read it here from 2010 or here from 2011 if you give a shit.

In spite of my feelings surrounding this “holiday,” I will be attending this:

Why? Because I love an opportunity to hate.  Let’s be real….An auditorium full of teenagers on 4.20? Can it get any better? Also I love rap music. I’ve been OBSESSED with all things TDE this year aaaand ASAP Rocky has been haunting my dreams since I heard Peso last year.

I’m really looking forward to a sea of glassy eyed dudes dressed in plaid with droopy skinny jeans and wading through a sea of beezies in my first hoe shoes. There is NO way I’m not going to have a good time. I’m taking America’s Favorite Teen Comic and my rellie CBloom (aka TWO WHITE DUDES) so that I feel safe (and young). I’m pretty sure people are going to look at me with that “Who’s Mom is that?” face the entire time. So pray for me and wish me luck.

In Other News….

Everyone is talking about the Tupac hologram. I won’t post a picture because it’s fucking creepy and you’ve already seen it.

What I will say is this:

This is the EXACT rap technology that MF Doom has been waiting for. No more paying weedholders to wear the mask and press play on the CD-J.

Girls on HBO

I had planned on writing something about why this show sucks and how much I hate it but the amazing Phoebe Robinson already did. She hits the nail square on the head. I couldn’t do it any better so please take a minute to click over and read her thoughts on this shit show.

In Other, Other News….

I have a bunch of stand up dates you should come out to including but not limited to 5 shows at Rooster T Feathers 5.10 – 5.13 with John Roy and Steven Pearl. CHECK OUT MY DATES

Fuck the following…..

Cancer

Shitty drivers

Assholes who let the door slam on you when your hands are full

Dudes who follow you out of a BART station for three blocks …and then attempt to kick amazingly weak and creepy game to you with the excitement level of a child selling magazine subscriptions.

Corn Nuts and their disgusting associated odor

Sushirittos

Busses with pee in them

Tomatoes

Dubstep

Hip-Pop

Bitches yelling “woooooooooooooooooooooo” all the time

Any rolling papers that are not Zig Zag Orange No 225

People who are always late and say “I have issues with time” and then continue to be late ALL. THE. TIME.

People who lurk on Facebook group pages and constantly comment with lame, uninspired, joke/parody comments to get attention because their fathers didn’t love them enough.