Archive for March, 2012


Ladies & Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday!

I saw Drake last Saturday night. Like in person. With my own eyes and unfortunately with my own ears. I can confidently say now that Drake blows. Hard.  He wore a tank top. He is STILL complaining about Rihanna. What I can say is that he has a good band (duh) and also mutherfuckers LOVE him. Specifically broke hoes and teenagers.

Like these ones:

Attention Hoes: If you are going to a concert and your seats are “front row balcony” make sure you wear pants or Spanx or at the very least underwear because guess what? I SAW ALL YA’LLS PANTIES and PUSSIES!

And so did every single weed holder in the VIP Hoe Corral. Yes, I realize the irony of me calling bitches out from the backstage VIP Hoe Corral but listen … I was a GUEST stand

ing in the ho corral …ya’ll were in the balcony showin’ pink hoping for a make-a-wish foundation miracle. I kept it in my pants and I still got to put my hands on Kendrick Lamar and A$AP Rocky. That’s game. Learn about it.

And now for … Comedians Text Better


Featuring the hilarious mother of two human children and two adorable dogs….Mimi Vilmenay

When Life Imitates Art

Those of you who were cool enough to come and see me do stand up when I first started (like two and a half years ago) may remember a joke I used to do about the differences between watching horror movies and sports — specifically baseball. One of the punchlines in the bit was, “At least my shit is going to be over in an hour and a half and you get to see someone get killed by bees…..call me when someone gets mauled by bees in baseball”

Well….it looks like that happened. In real life…. to my home team the Giants. I get it God, you ARE watching. My bad.

Ladies & Gentlemen It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday!

LITERACY IS A PROBLEM

The person who chalked this sign and put it on the street without thinking twice is employed. Meanwhile, I know about 15 college graduates who are currently unemployed sitting on their hands wishing they had a job.

THIS IS NOT A CRAFT IDEA

Seen on Pinterest in the “Craft Ideas” category. Yo bitches, grooming cats does not qualify as a fucking craft. Now if you were to shave this cat and then use the hair to weave into a pikachu cat hair suit and then put it back on the cat — then yes. That’s a fucking craft idea.

FORGETTING SHIT

I’ve got a decent memory. Only a few things I’m shitty at remembering. Names and birthdays. I’ll remember your face but I will space your name. Birthdays tho…..I am TERRIBLE with birthdays. I swear to be better, to make notes but I never do. Sadly now, if it’s not glaring at me on Facebook and even then sometimes I still miss it. Yesterday I forgot that it was my buddy Steve’s birthday. He sits like twelve inches from me for at least 8 hours a day. And I forgot his birthday.

This is my buddy Steve. Steve is pretty much the coolest nicest guy that’s ever been. Ever. I’m serious. A lot of people say that, but for realisies, Steve IS that guy.

This is a picture of me and our friend Bryan aka Coach at Steve’s 21st Birthday party*. It was ’80s prom themed. This was waaaay back before people really embraced that whole ’80s irony like they do now.  What I’m trying to say is that Steve is an innovator.

Like literally, he invents things. Schticks. Check it out: This is a real business. I mean yeah his garage may or may not be filled with boxes marked in Chinese characters but that’s neither here nor there. The fact is he invented something. He thought of it. He said, “Dude, This is a good idea” and then he fucking followed through. Now it’s like a viable business. So viable Macy’s knocked him off two Christmases in a row…but we’ve talked about that before.

The point is, Macy’s hates children. I mean why else would they steal money from the mouth of babes. Behold, Fritz Linquist – second coolest nicest guy ever. Babe of Steve & Marisa Linquist. Steve is so cool his kid’s first word(s) were “OH WOW!”
Come on! Who gets a kid like that? Steve. That’s who.

Inspired by the general awesomeness of dinosaurs, modern zombie myth and the sudden shock of adulthood caused by the arrival of his son, Steve decided to write a children’s book. But like not REALLY for kids, for like GROWN UP kids. It’s super fun and comedic and clever. Yes, and seriously tho, The Dinosaurs Are Dead.

What I’m trying to say here is Steve is a super rad dude. It’s a fact that he’s a great dad, a seemingly well behaved husband, a solid co-worker, and most of all an awesome incredible friend.

I missed his birthday yesterday but lucky for me I can always try again next year. In the meantime, I’m gonna just hang out with my tight bro probably get some lunch or some shit. All 16 of you who read this should buy something Steve made. Then I can say my gift was harnessing the power of my readership in support of his endeavors.

*God, I miss that jacket. Also we called him “Baby Steve” cause he was the baby.