Archive for February, 2012


Ladies & Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday!

Facebook Event Page prompts

You know what fucking sucks? The “Say why you can’t go…” prompt on Facebook event pages.  This dialog opens when the decline button is pressed and passive-aggressively guilt trips invitees into leaving shitty comments on your event wall. Then you end up with a stream of “Oh, I can’t make it my dog has AIDS” and “I live in Utah, this is in SF.” and “Can’t make it I have mime class on Thursdays” which makes it look like your event is gonna be balls. Folks – please know you DON’T HAVE TO FUCKING SAY WHY YOU AREN’T GOING. Just hit decline.

Also event planners don’t just invite FUCKING EVERYONE in your address book. Skim through, invite people who would actually give a fuck. Stop spamming.

The Oscars

Hating on the Oscars is like calling Oprah fat. Everyone does it. It’s borderline hack but of course as a comedian I HAVE to tweet about suck events. For those of you who DON’T follow me on Twitter (and duh, you should!) here are a collection of my favorite Oscar Tweets.

Be sure to follow these people if you aren’t already.

And be sure to follow me @hatertuesday

When Rappers and Comedians text…

Ladies & Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday

Enough with these fucking videos already….

My response to the landslide of “Shit Blah Blah Say to Blah Blahs” videos.

Karmin on SNL

I hate everything about this “band” from their lame internet fame, this gal’s over the top energy, the cloyingly sweet pop sound…watching this makes me want to drown puppies.

I cannot stand all that Nicki Minaj-ing, deep squats and vintage styling homegirl is kicking. She looks ridiculous. Like she got lost on her way to an adult glitz pageant. I keep waiting for her to do one of those creepy one finger kissy-face waves those little whores on Toddlers & Tiaras do. Don’t even get me started on her “boyfriend”…seriously girl, we all know a beard when we see one. Dial it back and for the love of Christ..STOP RAPPING!

The best compliment I’ve ever been given as it relates to my appearance on Stay Hatin’….

And another installment of Comedians Text Better….

On finding a reliable house cleaner:

On the importance of monthly goals….

As always be sure to peep my website for dates you can see me live in the Bay Area. I tell jokes in person. I’ll be performing with Moshe Kasher 4.04.12 in Oakland at Vitus. You should come.

Ladies and Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday

It’s Valentine’s Day

I’d like to send out some Valentine’s Day adoration to some of my favorite people. I know this blog is called HATER TUESDAY but even haters needs to give love to get love so let’s get this party started.

• Nick Kroll – Marry me.

• Schoolboy Q – I love you. Now and forever. Your cadence makes me wet. Never stop rapping.

• Kendrick Lamar – I don’t care if you aren’t tall enough to ride the big kid rides at Disneyland, I’d still fuck. You are saving rap. I appreciate you.

• James Adomian – If you ever want a lady mouth instead of a man mouth, call me. Otherwise, it’s cool. I’ll keep loving you as long as you keep being awesome at Huell Howser.

• Paul F. Tompkins – You have the sincerest mustache of them all.

• Megan Mullaly + Nick Offerman – I just want to watch. Promise.

• Marc Maron – Are we good? We’re good. I have a framed portrait of you on my wall. The only other people that share this honor are E-40, Don Rickles, Betty Davis and my family. Can I sit on your face?

• Don’t Stop Or We’ll Die – Please, please, please come to SF and perform at my 35th birthday party. You make me so happy.

• Lisa Bonet – Fuck you. Why do you get all the fine men? I want to hunt you down, steal a dreadlock and insert it like an IUD in hopes of gaining all of your pussy powers.

Lose the Personalities, Keep the Tits

I recently watched all three seasons of United States of Tara. What a trippy show. I dunno if I can co-sign for the concept of the show but Toni Collette is pretty fucking amazing in it. The only thing more amazing than her acting is her physical transformation, namely her tits. First season her tits are amazing. Second season they are aiight. Third season it’s like WTF? Where’d her tits go? Why is she so skinny. It’s a real bummer. That lady can act though.

Stay Hatin’ and Ladies Doin’ It for Themselves

My brothers in hate, Matthew Africa, SergDun and Soft_Money were nice enough to have me on a very special episode of Stay Hatin’. We discuss rappin’ ass rap music.

This one’s for THE LADIES

*Note to Gentlemen: If you gonna take a sexy picture…take your socks off. Or at least make sure they are right side out.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY

Any potential suitors can send chocolate and flowers (weed) directly to me. I’ll be at Milk Bar tonight stanning on James Adomian. Check my website for MY live performance dates including an upcoming date with dreamboat Moshe Kasher on April 4 in Oakland.