Archive for November, 2011

Ladiez n’ Gentlemenz, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday!

‘Tis the Season to Knock Off

My buddy Steve and his lovely wife Marisa have a very awesome business called Mad Wit. Their key product is called Shticks. They are collections of funny sayings on hand held signs to be used in various settings – your car, your office, your party, for your kids. Steve and Marisa worked really hard on the concept and have been really successful thus far with this simple yet clever idea. So successful in fact Macy’s has knocked them off. Macy’s version looks shittier and is more expensive. It’s a real bummer that Macy’s just knocked them off as opposed to just stocking Shticks. Help stop swagger-jacking and support small business. If you need some silly fun holiday gifts for coworkers, neighbors, freinds check out Sticks.

Cupcake in a Jar

There are 3, 360, 000 Google image results for “cupcake in a jar” – THEY BE PUTTIN’ HELLA CUPCAKES IN JARS YO! I need a cupcake in a jar like I need a turnip in my asshole. Why are we fucking with the cupcake?  It’s just fine the way it is.  This is like the dessert equivalent of the KFC bowl or as Patton Oswalt calls it “the failure bowl.” Why not just spoon frosting directly into your mouth? Shoving two tiny pieces of cake into a jar with frosting doesn’t make it socially acceptable to consume this much frosting. Ever.

Stuck in the Krollblums

Fuck you very much FX for putting this image into my head. My love for Nick Kroll is well documented.  Not so well documented but absolutely real is my love for crazy ass Jeff Goldblum. I NEVER saw the resemblance until I saw them next to each other. Now I can’t get this shit out of my (dirty) mind. My Kroll fetish makes SO MUCH more sense now. I’ve had a lady boner for Goldblum since the 9th grade. It developed shortly my homegirl Farrah confessed she had sex dreams about Goldblum during a hard core game of Girl Talk. My initial reaction was surprise and slight disgust but I couldn’t stop thinking about Goldblum.  Next thing I knew he was visiting me in my (sex) dreams. He’s been a long time resident of the shower files. I know he’s bonkers but as Kristee Ono says, crazy fucks well.

Everyone Loves Fushigi

Fushigi. This is THE BEST informercial video ever made. Prepare to be mesmerized!

“Like I don’t know what it is …. but I CAN DO IT!”

Additional value: Guaranteed to preserve virginity when used in public.

Das Racist on Conan

I’m all for brown people appropriating white *cough – hipster – cough* culture but we’ve got to draw the line somewhere. I’d like to draw that line with Das Racist. I’ve heard of them but managed to evade their actual music for quite sometime now. I saw these guys on Conan and man was it terrible. WTF? People are cosigning on this shit? This is embarrassing. Somewhere one of those girl’s father is sitting in an armchair yelling  at his TV….”I SPENT $75K ON ART SCHOOL SO YOU COULD “STUDY” PERFORMANCE ART AND YOU’RE PLAYING CYMBALS WITH SOME PAKIS AND MJ IMPERSONATOR?”

See what I did there?

RIP Patrice O’Neal

Patrice O’Neal was crazy and hilarious in all the perfect ways a comic should be. He was unapologetic-ally opinionated – a really great storyteller and a fantastic comic.

Ladies & Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday!

I’ve been listening to the new Drake album for approximately 2:45 and I’m already annoyed. WTF is up with rappers making all these sad rap albums? I don’t want sad rap music. I want hype music. I want ignorant drug raps. I want pimp songs. I want freak ho dance tracks. I don’t want self-reflecting emo raps. EVER. Ugh. Fuck Drake. Robot rapping mutherfucker.

*Bonus PSA: The song Marvin’s Room is NOT romantic. It’s creepy. It’s pathetic. Dudes, DO NOT listen to this song and think this is how you should approach getting a woman to love you again. The only reason why she picked up is because you keep calling her despite her requests for you to STOP FUCKING CALLING! She can do better. She’s with someone else. Let that shit go.

**Aaaaand album review of the year goes to……GHOST CHRONICLES!

Old People Who Travel

You ever notice how similar old people and babies are?  None of them seem to be able to stay awake on buses or airplanes. They instantly start nodding off the moment a vehicle begins moving.  Babies it’s adorable. Old people though? Annoying! Don’t lean against me for support. Why is it my responsibility to keep your body upright while we sit next to each other. I am not a lean-to. If you can’t stay awake for the 12 minutes it takes the airport shuttle bus to drive from BART to the airport terminal, kill yourself.

Ladies & Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday


OH…MY….GAWD….. Don’t worry guys she’s doing fine. We’re pretty cool so she called me right away. That’s why I’ve been on hiatus. She called me in her time of need. And let’s face it I can’t deny a friend….especially in ROCKTOBER!


Thank God. Rocktober was oh so real this year. Here are the stats.

# of couches fucked: insurmountable

Blacked Out Nights: 3

Hours spent in the fetal position filled with regret and disgust: approx 140

# of tortas found in rainboots: 1

Glasses of water spilled between 2 -4am: 17

Unexplained Bruises/Scratches: 4

# of times beer was consumed for breakfast to make the pain go away: 2

Comedy Sets: 24

Grams of weed smoked: 37

Bob’s Donuts Eaten: 5

Late Night Trips to Wing Wings: 4

Pairs of shoes purchased: 5

Most Drinks Consumed in 1 night: 10 (Makers and gingers)

Further Tales….

My friend Diane is right about most things. She went to Cal, she graduated Cum Loudly or whatever it’s called. Anyhoo, she came back from some trip earlier this year telling me tales of some new hip whiskey drinkers fad – the “pickle back”. Basically the idea is you drink a shot of whiskey and then sip a “back” of pickle juice. It’s supposed to kill the harshness of some whiskeys and bring out other flavors you never knew were there or some shit. I was skeptical. Firstly, because I’m a grown up who can drink alcohol and not wince and say things like “Owww it’s burn-y.” Secondly, whiskey tastes delicious. Pickle juice tastes like…well….pickle juice. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE PICKLES and all things pickled even gross shit like okra and pigs feet.But as a chaser? Hrmmm.

I was at Thee Parkside last weekend and lo…..the imfamous Pickleback.

So I talked my buddy Ameen into drinking with me. I had to see what the BFD was. This is what we were poured.

How did it taste? Sorta like Nickleback but less Canadian.

Honey 2

This exists. For serious. Join me in amazement. Watch the trailer.

It’s the story of a feisty and determined Latina whose troubled past thrusts her into the world of dance. She finds a home at the Honey Daniels dance studio and in the arms of an adorable white boy. There’s dancing, there’s kissing, there’s the dimples on A.C. Slater’s face. The only way this trailer could be better is if it had a cameo by Missy Elliot saying “I SAID I want HONEY….again!

How Comedians Solve Problems