Archive for August, 2011


Fucking Starbucks

I do comedy at Fisherman’s Wharf …it’s where the tourists go to eat bowls of clam chowder, catch day boats to Alcatraz and look at wax versions of their favorite celebrities. In the summer, the wharf is crawling with herds of poorly dressed families pretending that spending a week in a new city is going to make the problems go away. I’m grateful they come because I have faces to tell jokes at….BUT…. if I have to stand in line at Starbucks behind some asshole with a mid-western accent staring at the menu with an inquisitive look saying things out loud like, “Hmm Caramel Latte? Interesting. So that has caramel right? We should try one…we’re on vacation” one more time I’m going to fucking snap.

Here’s the thing about Starbucks, it’s a chain coffee shop. That means the menus are the same everywhere. Yes. EVERYWHERE. That means you should step up to the counter order your coffee milkshake and get the fuck out of the way.  Why do I have to wait for my ice coffee to get poured? That’s all that is required. A simple pour. I’m a firm believer that coffee shops should have two lines. One line for assholes who need things blended, frothed, whipped, sprinkled or layered delicately. Another for folks like me, folks who just want coffee. You either take it hot or over ice. No further questions.

Why I Can’t Be A Groupie?

I’ve always like the concept of being a groupie. It’s pretty rad when you think about it. You’re not just gonna suck a cock…you’re gonna suck a FAMOUS cock. You have the ability to have sex ALL THE TIME (and you do) with people that other people only dream of fucking. That’s some powerful shit.

I don’t know what my problem is. I mean it sounds so fun. I wish I could lean into some rock star or more realistically some rapper and say something like “You know what every man deserves for his birthday? A good dick sucking. Now take out that hog and let’s get this party started.” Instead I usually mumble something like, “Do you like cake?

I’ve had plenty of opportunities over the years, that’s what happens when you work in the music industry as long as I have. Yet I’ve never, ever, ever had a famous cock in my mouth. What the fuck am I afraid of? I mean seriously, everyone knows that black guys never say no to a blow job. I guess I just don’t have it in me to be as forward as one needs to be in order to be a good groupie. New Years resolution for 2012….get a famous cock in my mouth.

I Slept Like A Baby

Folks say that phrase all the time, “I slept like a baby.” It’s misleading. The understanding is that you slept soundly and uninterrupted thus resulting in a fantastic night’s sleep. Truth be told, babies don’t sleep for shit. They wake up at the slightest inklings of sound, or if they shit themselves, or if they are hungry or if they are sick or if they are tired and wake up and forget how to go back to sleep because they are stupid fucking babies. I NEVER want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like a bum. You ever see bums sleep? They are passed out at 4:30pm in the blazing sun at full rush hour on the busiest streets in SF. They are just splayed out there on the sidewalk with one shoe on and one shoe as a pillow fast asleep. You can kick them or pour hot coffee on them and they aren’t going to wake up for shit. That’s the kind of sleep I want….a narcotic induced slumber.

Pissing Me Off This Week

1. Chinese people on the bus (STILL and FOREVER)

2. People who respond to emails without reading them first. Related – People who respond to emails out of order and don’t kept threads straight.

3. Tom’s high heeled shoes.

4. Bob’s – Sketcher’s Tom’s knock offs

5. People complaining about the VMAs.

6. Dental work.

Ladies and Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday

OMG YOU GUYS THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE ON THE EAST COAST….

THE EAST MUTHERFUCKING COAST!

THE WORLD IS ENDING! IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN OVER THERE. OMG! OMG!

Let’s all calm the fuck down for a few minutes and realize that this is not a big deal. It’s not like airplanes are crashing into buildings. It’s just the earth’s crust adjusting. Techtonic plates and shit. Call me when Katz Deli closes or they stop making good pizza out there or someone finds a unicorn. Until then…shut it.

Back to your regularly scheduled hating.

I’ve got hate to do in real time so go fuck yourselves.

Tara and Zacks, It’s Muthercunting Hater Tuesday!

“Haaaaay girl….OMG you’ll never believe it…….I’m in Taradise!…..aaaaaaaand I’m a mutherfucking wife! What a way to start a week right? Did you see that twat I twittered? Wait, not twat…I mean twit or tweet or whatever it’s called when you write stuff on Twitter. Sorry, I just woke up like 15 minutes ago, Zack and I raged super hard. I think I’m still drunk. Hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhaah….I got drunk with my HUSBAND….OMG Tara Reid is mah-reed…wait I’m not Reid anymore I’m Tara K….K….K……Honey, what’s my last name again? He’s still sleeping. Whatever, I’m Tara K-Something now. Aren’t you happy for me? OMG my husband is soooooooooo ahmazing. I think he’s Greek, well I met him in Greece so…..Wait there’s pics of him on my Twitter too. Do you like my Twitter? I’m really into keeping it minimal.