Archive for June, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday!

Hey SF Rain!

Suck a dick, son! I’m tryin’ to have a Summah ovah here!

Children’s Summer Camp groups should not be allowed to use public transportation during commute hours. I missed my work shuttle last week thanks to 25 snot nosed brats don’t know how to ride the bus. Everyone knows you MOVE TO THE BACK of the bus and you stand as close as possible to people despite the fact that they smell so that your fellow commuters can join in the misery and make it to work on time and get our mutherfucking paper. But no, these little shits were scattered throughout with backpacks jumping about like god damn monkeys while 5 inexperienced teenage camp counselors timidly shouted, “Brock…move back sweetie” and “Sebastien, don’t pull on the cords, make room for the people….thank yooooooou.” Guess what Brock and Sebastien didn’t give a shit. They wiggled about making ZERO room for me and 5 of my fellow commuters trying to shoehorn ourselves in the back door. We all got kicked off the bus because the door wouldn’t shut. Whatever happened to chartering a damn school bus? Fuck.

This is street art I can get behind

Listen buddy, you’re over 30. You are waiting for your wi-fi enabled shuttle to your corporate job. It’s time to eat something age appropriate for breakfast. Chocolate Quik and French Onion Sun Chips are the reason you’re NOT getting laid. May I suggest a coffee and a Tiger Milk bar? How about an orange juice and a bagel? You might also want to do something about the Costco sized box of Bagel Bites in your freezer and the Kirkland brand bucket of Cheese Puffs next to your “gaming” chair. And no they DON’T make Game of Thrones bedsheets.

I went to the “club” last week for the first time in YEARS. I was there less than an hour when I saw this guy

His shirt reads, “If you don’t like money, you don’t like us.” I thought I loved money…but evidently I don’t. Nice Blackberry holster bro.

I ventured into the suburbs of the East Bay last week and I saw this place. The jokes tell themselves. All I know is if I was a 13 year old boy in Walnut Creek, I DEF know what my summah prank would be.

I LOVE fried chicken. Who doesn’t? But $2000 for a Fried Chicken Garden Party? That’s $200 a person. For fried chicken. You have GOT to be kidding me. I made a list of great places to get fried chicken for less than $2000 for comic and dreamboat Nick Kroll last year.  I guess you guys can see it too.

Saw this winner on the bus – yes that’s a giant marjiuana leaf tattooed on his face BUT the real story and I do mean story is what’s tattooed on his bald head. It’s a gripping visual allegory about the US government and the war on drugs. It’s EXTREMELY detailed and includes teeny tiny little pot leaves escaping from a giant fist holding dollar bills that are being pulled out of the Capital building. Please for the love of god, get in there and ZOOM so you an see the beauty and feel the magic. I risked my life taking this picture for you.

In other news – I’ll be performing stand up comedy at the SAN JOSE IMPROV on JULY 10. If you are on Facebook you can get on the FREE guest list by visiting/liking my page and leaving a comment.

I’ll also be performing in the 5 Funny Females show August 5th at the Purple Onion. I’m on the 10pm show with Mary Van Note, Joselyn Hughes and Michelle Buteau hosted by the amazing Susan Alexander. This is going to be so freaking awesome I can’t even begin to tell you. Don’t sleep.

Ladies & Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday!

You’re Lady GaGa. Fashion is your life. Life is art. You were born this way…remember? So why do you keep wearing the same shoes?  You’ve been photographed in them more than Pamela Anderson’s twat on a yacht. We get it. You’re edgy. You sacrifice for the sake of art. Bor-ing. At least you got some handlers to help you walk because nothing says trying too hard more than eating shit in public. At least her wig matches my color scheme.

Sometimes people are so funny I hate them. Moshe Kasher is one of those people. He’s so fucking on point it makes me want to refocus my therapy on resolving my misanthropic nature and stop being a comic because it’s next to impossible to think that I’ll ever be as hate strong as Moshe. If you’ve never seen Moshe do stand up you are losing in life. LOSING!

I had a dream last weekend that I invented an awesome internet meme + talk show called Between Two Beards staring me and two friends with fantastic beards. The show was just us three sitting in a living room talking shit. Which is pretty much all we did in the year 2005.  The internet meme is my face – the image you see above photoshopped into pictures of two dudes with epic beards. My photoshop license is expired so the best I can do is this hack job.  Someone photoshop me in between your favorite beards and send it to me. I’ll post it up. Best photoshop job wins nothing but my respect. In other news, the beards aren’t the only awesome thing about Bing Ji Ling and Merkley??? Check them both out.

Saw this on a co-worker’s Facebook page. This is gangster as shit. As a former scorned woman, I FEEL this lady’s rage. Nothing feels better than publicly defaming your adulterous partner. It’s too bad she let her rage cloud her ability to remember the rules surround you, your and you’re though.


I have a super awesome show coming up NEXT MONDAY 6.13 at the PUNCHLINE in SF

Get yourself some tickets by calling the Punchline 415-397-7573!

Show is at 8pm

(been had) Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday(s)

Off cycle HT for your enjoyment

Kreayashawn - Cartoon bitches need to stop rapping. All this gimmicky girl-sass-talk-non-rapping is really, really making me angry. When will these talentless bitches realize that there is more to rap than ridiculous fashion choices, shitty tattoos and glitter? I’m talking to you too Ke$ha, Fergie, Nicole Shirtzengirgerpussycatdollzits. Kreayashawn’s voice makes me feel like someone is shoving handfuls of spiders into my ears. I’ll give her one prop and that is the beat for her “hit single” is dope. It’s slumpy as fuck – I just wish there was someone who could actually rap riding that beat. “Gucci Gucci” is the new “Friday” by Rebecca Black. Just saying.

Cholas Explain Improv. Overheard at The Dark Room.

Chola 1: Aye, so what is this shit, loca?

Chola 2: Psssh, like I told you it’s comedyyyyyyy.

Chola 1: Yeah, but like what is it?

Chola 2: It’s like freestyle rap… they just make shit up or whatevers. They just like vibe… and turn it into real funny shit mujer. Mira.

Chola 1 explodes with laughter. Then stops abruptly and turns to Chola 2

Chola 1: Yoooooooooooooooo, I love comedy raps. Do you have any more on that 40? Let me see it.

Then there is this…

This is the best thing I’ve seen in a very long time. I LOVE racism.

I’m VERY interested in Space Flights but I am NOT interested in Black People.

I just wish black people was an option on other questions.

**updated – now with MORE black people. Thanks Ameen!

How would you like to get your comics? Duh, from black people.

What did you do with your free time last week? I had sex with black guys.

Sizzling Platters.

Mark Zuckerberg has inspired me to change the way I think about food. I’ve decided that I am ONLY going to eat food that is served on a sizzling platter. How do you know your food is REALLY cooked unless you HEAR it cooking just moments before you put it in your mouth?

RIP Conan’s beard. I miss it. A lot.