Archive for March, 2011


“Next week on Gay Eyes and the Serial Killer, your favorite ODD couple takes a trip to the SFMOMA!”

Dude on the left  IS a shining example of Brent Weinbach’s GAY EYES joke.  Dude on the right is mentally debating whether to kill, dismember and cook me into a hearty blood red wine stew OR slowly skin me alive by cutting sections off and force me to sew them into a patchwork lady skin suit while he spins around with Gay Eyes tongue darting creepily about, yelling, “WHERE ARE THE BOYS? WHERE ARE THE BOYS? …… COUS-COUS!“*

*Seriously, watch the Brent Weinbach video linked up there – it’s a fucking AWESOME joke. The first time i heard him tell it, I spit my entire drink on a stranger. Good times. Good times.

In Other News….

  • Fur Vests. File Under: Things Big Girl’s Shouldn’t Wear. Listen, I’m a big girl. I’m all about being confident and rocking what you want BUT you need to know when to say when. I saw a girl at Too $hort a few weeks back rocking one of these shits all zipped up the front. She looked like she waddled into a Build-A-Bear workshop mistaking it for a Lane Bryant. Somewhere a five year old girl is crying because she left the biggest teddy bear she’s ever seen at the food court and it’s STILL not been returned to Lost and Found.
  • Men, I know the Giants are currently the World Championship Giants but please for the love of God consult with one another about your head wear choices before meeting up for a night on the town. There is nothing more annoying than a group of 30+ year old dudes all wearing the EXACT same black and orange baseball cap hanging out together.  It’s causing problems for us ladies. It’s also making you look like an asshole and killing the possibility of us laying you.
Lady to Lady Friends: “I just met this cute guy at the bar.”
Lady Friends to Lady: “Oh word?”
Lady: “Yeah he’s over there in the Giants hat”
Lady Friends: “Um, which one?”
Lady: “Shit. I dunno. They kinda all look the same from here.”
Lady Friends: “Yeaaaaaah, not cute. They look like they got lost on their way home from little league practice. Losers.”
Lady: “Yeah, you’re right. I’m kinda buzzed…I should probably just go make moves on that guy with the shitty mustache … at least I can see his eyes.”
  • I failed the pot question on Qrank. I call bullshit.

  • Let me make you laugh live and in person, April 6th 8pm at Rooster T Feathers in Sunnyvale, CA. I’m competing in the semi-final round of their New Talent Competition. Mama wants to win a week of club work and I know baby wants to giggle…..so come out and support live comedy!

Ladies and Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday.

To whomever stole my herringbone coat from House of Shields….I hope you get AIDS from a junkie shitting in your mouth while u sleep.

My favorite jacket ever, a full length herrigbone tweed trench was stolen right underneath me on Friday night. I had to walk out into the fucking stormy night and cough up $17 for a cab right back to the Haight instead of taking the bus due to lack of a coat.

If anyone sees a homeless person is a swass mutherfucking women’s trench, kick him in the teeth and reclaim that shit.

Who steals a plus-sized woman’s coat? Jeez.

I’m too busted up about the loss of the coat to hate on anything else right now.

In other news, I won first place in the preliminary rounds of a local comedy contest at a South Bay comedy club called Rooster T Feathers. Come out on April 6 to see me compete in the Semi-Finals. I’ve already lost my favorite coat – I can’t lose this competition.  Cheer for me and help me advance, It’s the least thing you can do.

One of the geniuses over at Uptown Almanac Mission Mission thinks this is a viable solution to the rampant germs festering in BART seats. I’ve already shared my thoughts on Yarn Bombing but seriously, how is covering one germ ridden upholstered surface with another form of upholstery a solution? We need plastic people! Smooth surfaces that can be disinfected with antibacterial spray. Hipster street art is NOT a solution. Not even ironically. Staph is not a game people.

*SORRY! I got my SF hipster blogs confused. They are SO different. I can’t believe I did that.

SXSW

I said it last year and I’ll say it again this year. Everyone in Texas or on their way to Texas can eat a big bowl of dicks. If I read one more tweet about BBQ or free Lone Stars I’m gonna cut a bitch.

Hater Tuesday In Real Life – I’m participating in Rooster T Feather’s New Talent Comedy Competition tonight in Sunnyale with fellow SF comedians Mimi Vilmenay, Natasha Muse, Yuri Kagan and Paul Simmons. I plan on sweeping the floor with my comrades and the other unfortunate souls scheduled to perform tonight. If you want to come watch the blood bath, get a ticket and come on down. Winners advance to Semi-Finals based on audience votes. If you vote for me I’ll give you a sticker just like Election Day.