My friend Hard Core Jerry posted this on my Facebook today.
Tuesday Haters Club. Yep. I seen these guys before. Shit I’ve probably written about it already. I’m too lazy to deep, deep, dive into the archives. Besides, it doesn’t matter these fools got it all backwards. They’re all like “We hate Tuesdays” and I’m all like “On Tuesdays everyone can eat a bowl of dicks, cause I’m gonna say whatever the fuck I want to.” THAT IS WHAT MUTHERFUCKING TUESDAYS ARE FOR! And I been saying that since 2004. I’m the OG …BITCH, WHAT!!??
These squares have been cupcakin’ Mondays talking about Huging Kids, Planting Trees and Kicking Birds since 2006 with someone named Lydia claiming to be the Director of Mascot Relations (OK, I’ll admit that is a pretty awesome title, so she’s probably cool.) I’m not really trippin but that is a fuuuuuucked up coincidence. Check it out for yourself.
I’ve taken it upon myself to call out and highlight the wackness in my surrounding area. I do this for me but I also do it for you. You guys may think it’s all fun and games here, but if you pay attention I am dropping crucial knowledge. Need proof? Click that link up there, read that post.
I knew that mutherfucker was special….now he’s the goddamned President.
So, don’t feel bad reading this for a few minutes out of your day while you are at the job. It’s all about enrichment, I’m here to help you enrich.
Enjoy some of my favorites from the deep archives….
October 4, 2005
July 11, 2006
August 1, 2006
Also, I will be performing at the Purple Onion in SF on 2.27 at 7pm and I’ll be at Rooster T Feather’s New Talent Competition in Sunnyvale 3.15 8pm.
…because this would be going the fuck down on anyone who looked at me crazy.
gif score of the week. thank you facebook.
My buddy Isaac sent me this link a few weeks back saying,
“I think we could have come up with a better (and funnier) list, but it’s nice to think about all these junky shows. How is Man vs Food not on here?”
Boy was he right. This list is missing a lot of crappy shows including but not limited to Bitchin’ Kitchen. It’s a “comedy-based” cooking show that fills me with rage. This woman is NOT funny and she CANNOT cook. This is the Jersey Shore of cooking shows. Her set looks like a Bettie Page store fucked Dicky Barrett while the band Big Bad VooDoo Daddy jerked off in the corner and splooged lepopard print semen on a crew of Derby Girls. Her “accent” is atrocious. I keep waiting for her to reach her arm around her neck with a lit cigarette while yelling “Oooohhhh….”
Also, at this point making fun of Sandra Lee’s glaringly incompetent Semi-Homemade is as about original as poking fun at Charlie Sheen for his love of hookers and blow.
And including Barefoot Contessa and omitting Man vs. Food or anything hosted by Guy Fieri or his female doppelanger Anne Burrell???
You can’t tell me that Anne Burrell and Guy Fieri AREN’T the same person. Fucking look at them — all Anne needs is a bowling shirt with hot rod flames, a pair of backwards sunglasses and a few squirt bottles. Or shave Guy, toss some lipstick on him and you’re in business. Shit is mad disturbing. The super ill thing about Anne is that she talks in a monster voice when she gets excited. Yes. I’m serious.
In defense of Barefoot Contessa:
I LOVE Ina Garten. I find her tone an extremely soothing alternative to the bossy, condescending Martha Stewart. She just cooks. She feels her way through it with vaugue instruction which I love, love, love. I hate being told how much of this and how much of that. BOOORING. I prefer hearing about her fabulous New England lifestyle. I covet her garden, her free time and her entourage of gays all specialized in the homemaking arts – the florist, the interior designer, the organic gardener, the vintage furniture picker, the antiques guy, a cheesemonger, a butcher, the witty writer. It’s like she’s got her own fantastic Gay Justice League at her immediate disposal for dinner parties. She also has chambray shirts custom made. I want to grow up and be Ina Garten.