Archive for March, 2010


BREAKING NEWS!!

TACOS ARE BETTER IN MEXICO!!!

No fucking shit.

Kill me now.

Ladies and Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday.

It’s pretty awesome that the squeakquel to Why Did I Get Married? is basically Couples Retreat with black people, er (more black people). Get yo money Tyler Perry.

Watch the trailer: Black Couples Retreat

What Will Hipsters Think of Next ?

1. Analog revival is boring.

2. Quixotic? No. Incredible waste of time and paper? Yes.

3. Why the FUCK would I want to pay $115 just to thumb through a 1000 index cards to read previously twittered music reviews? Oh wait, they are limited edition. That means no one will actually buy these – we’re just supposed to look at pictures online and revel in your analog reappropriation via a digital source?

4. Is this what we are calling art now?  Someone get these kids a real job so they have less time to conceptualize shitty overcomplicated art projects.

I’ll probably be back later today for hating part 2. Stay tuned.

Ladies & Gentlemen, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday

Adulterers/Cheaters/Liars: Call it whatever you want but I’ll tell you what it is…Fucked Up. I don’t care how you slice it, cheating is fucking wrong. That’s why mutherfuckers lie about cheating.  It’s some shameful shit. Only cowards cheat because they are too bitchmade to put all the cards on the table with their partners and work some shit out. If you are gonna rub/stick your parts on someone other than your partner have the decency to tell your partner that you are no longer capable of being loyal. I’m not saying that your partner will respond well but they will certainly respect you more in the long run than a person who finds out via the old fashioned “scandal“.  I don’t know who decided that lying about cheating was a suitable cover up. When will motherfuckers learn? When the shit winds blow all attempts at pathetic cover up your trainwreck of bad decisions will be revealed. It’s also a guaranteed way to let your former partner, family and all your friends know that you are a cowardly piece of shit who cannot be trusted.

In Jesse James case it shows once a dirtbag, always a dirtbag. I mean come on, who cheats on Sandra Bullock with a bitch who has “Pray For Sinners” tattooed on her fucking forehead and W P tattoos that she’s trying to claim mean Wet Pussy? As if Wet Pussy is classier than White Power? That’s what you are into Jesse James? Sandra Bullock looks crazy hot for a lady in her 40s, she’s fucking rich as hell and she’s a mutherfucking Oscar winner! You are a fucking retard. I hope you catch the ‘rhea from that skeezy snizz.

Here’s some hateful thoughts I had this week:

  • Skin tight jeans and clunky hooker heels are not a good look for the professional workplace.
  • I overheard two women talking about children at a cafe. One of them cooed, “Oh look at that tiny little baby. I love babies. They smell so good. I want a baaaaaaaaby”  As soon as she completed her sentence I grimaced – Have you ever smelled a baby? They smell fucking disgusting. They’ve always got dried up milk fermenting in their tiny baby neck folds. They have a bag of shit strapped to them at all times.  All of their activities involved bodily fluids none of which smell good. You know what does smell good? Johnson’s Baby Lotion. I can buy that for $3.49 at Walgreens and no one will arrest me if I leave it in the car on a hot day.
  • Porn has fucked up intimacy. I had two women tell me in the last 3 weeks that they “enjoy” it when their partner comes on their face. I’m not buying it. “Enjoying” and “Dealing with” are two separate experiences. Ladies, there are not medals for taking cumshots in the grill….well, there are but only if you are in the “industry.” Unless he’s reciprocating with an equally degrading/unenjoyable sexually deviant behavior that you enjoy, I say just say no to cum in the face. That’s what a sex towel is for.
  • “Owner of a lonely heart….much better than a….owner of a broken heart”…Heard this song in the gym last week and I can’t stop considering this theory. Is a lonely heart really better than a broken heart? Discuss.
  • How did little old Chinese ladies and their pink plastic bags develop their universal respect/fear dichotomy with Muni commuters?
  • I’m going to see Jay Z tomorrow with Young Jeezy and Trey Songs in Downtown San Jose. Be jealous

Breaking News:

Opt for the ocean…of regret and sorrow because you obviously hate yourself if you voluntarily put this in your body. It’s lower bowel destroying powers are likely multiplied if  consumed for the beloved “fourth meal.”