Free Reign:

Thanks to Rock Band, everyone know feels qualified to be in a band. That’s the only explanation for  this.  Seriously. What’s going on Australia? You’re giving deals to talentless linebackers?  These tools can barely play their instruments. My cat sings better than this D.B. Watch the video and tell me what you hear. I hear “We are the Chowderheads” which would be appropriate since they seem to love Affliction gear.

Jonathan Gold:

Jonathan Gold doesn’t know shit about burritos. There I said it. That was harder for me to do than you may think.  I hate on people all the time but hating on Jonathan Gold is more difficult than frowning when you see a box of kittens. The man loves to eat and knows his food. If it came from JGold you know it was, well…gold. But now, now I know his weak spot. The burrito. Like I said, Jonathan Gold don’t know shit about burritos. Let’s discuss.

“The Interview” begins at 45:05

While I’m down for using big fancy words instead of saying “I hate this shit,” leading off with the word “excoriate” is a bold move.

“There’s something even more impure about the burritos… in the Mission.”

Impure? Oh hell, no! He goes on to describe the contents of the average Mission burrito. And I quote: “Every single damn thing you can think….Beans, Rice, Grilled Meats, Sour Cream, Salsa, lettuce, carrots, tomatoes or whatever else vegetation they want to put in it, Guac in case someone forgot to pick some up from the bar and handfuls of  gooey orange cheese”

Let’s stop here for a minute shall we?

Beans? Check.

Rice? Check.

Grilled Meats? MutherfuckingCheck.

Sour Cream? Sure, sometimes. It’s not mandatory.

Salsa? Check. This is a fucking burrito right?

Lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, vegetation? OK he’s got a good point. Lettuce should NEVER be included in a burrito. It can appear as a garnish (albeit shitty and unnecessary) alongside or underneath a burrito but, it should never be eaten and mos def NEVER placed inside. I can co-sign on that being a BIG no-no. All that other shit is for hippies and vegetarians who shouldn’t be eating burritos in the first place. That’s what salads are for.

Guac, in case someone forgot to pick some up from the bar? What in the? I don’t know what kind of fancy guacamole free for all is going on down in So Cal but up here they got avocados on lock down. Ain’t no guacamole bars no where. If you’re lucky there is a salsa bar and sure some of them have an avocado based/tinted salsa verde but that shit is NOT guacamole and certainly is NOT slices of delicious avocado. That’s why most of us pay for the $1 super burrito upgrade. Avocado chunks are the mutherfucking business.

Gooey handfuls of yellow cheese? It’s at this point in the interview that I decided it was officially on.  Yellow cheese? In a Mission burrit? The fuck? I have never, EVER in my 32 years of burrito eating in the Bay Area, ever been served a burrito with yellow cheese (Taco Bell doesn’t count). This statement about the cheese leads me to believe he’s never really tried a burrito in the Mission. I want to know where he got this yellow cheese bullshit from.

He goes on a bit more whining and bitching about how rice in a burrito is wrong (its a starch on starch thing – like this fatty is watching his carbs?) and even goes as far as to liken the Mission burrito as the gateway to the godforsaken “wrap.” He defends the diminutive filling challenged LA burrito by telling a cute little story about the true genesis/intended form for the burrito. A bunch of bullshit about peasant food, something you could fit in your pocket, blah, blah. What-the-fuck-ever. Fools in LA and the southwest for that matter don’t even know how to roll a fucking burrito right. Bitches always leave one end open and wrap that shit in paper.

When asked where he would eat a burrito in SF if he had to,he recommends La Taqueria. He says it isn’t bad. That pretty much says it all. La Taqueria is where white people go to practice Spanish and re-count stories of their travels to Mexico and how much more “real” it is compared to other places. They pay $9 for a burrito and it makes them feel better about their odds of not getting indigestion.

His only other recommend is La Cumbre. Man Vs Food ate at La Cumbre. Need I say more?

JGo, holler at me next time you are Bay bound. I’ll take you to a real fucking taqueria. Until then, keep your maw shut and go back to reviewing chinese food spots in Alhambra.

Little Old Chinese Ladies:

In the past week I’ve been side-shanked, elbowed, arm grabbed and bowled over on four separate occasions by Chinese women under 5ft tall and over 70 years old. Sure they look cute and innocent but cross their path at the farmer’s market or Muni and you’re fucking toast. The old me would have said something snarky and/or thown a vicious side-eye. But now, I that I’ve seen Drag Me To Hell – I’m terrified to fight back. It’s rough out in these streets.

Retarded Sandals:

This one goes out to my boy Serg who has been single-handedly fighting the wackness that are gladiator sandals. (I hear that everytime a fat girl wears gladiator sandals an angel loses his wings.) It’s next to impossible to find a regular pair of sandals these days. Everything has fucking rhinestones, sparkles, tassles,hella straps or a complete lack of straps. I don’t want a sandal with so many straps and buckles that the mutherfuckers require an hour and a puzzle-solving guide to get them on. I also do not want to rely upon gravity and a prayer to keep the fuckers on my feet. I don’t even know what to say about these shits homegirl is rocking. They are like sequined socks with sandals attached. WTF?