Archive for February, 2008

Ladies & Gentlemen, It’s Hater Tuesday…

Cadillac Records starring Beyonce as Etta James
It’s too bad this movie is going to suck. Etta James is a fucking legend and hands down my favorite female vocalist of all time.
Beyonce is the last person on the planet who should be considered to portray Etta James. She’s the polar opposite of Etta. Etta knows it too. She said about Beyonce, “I wasn’t as bourgie as she is, she’s bourgeois. She knows how to be a lady, she’s like a model. I wasn’t like that… ”

Etta has always been a big girl. Someone better be putting Paula Deen on retainer as B’s personal chef and start issuing her supplements of heroin and red wine STAT. I’ll be God Damned (yes, with capital letters I’m fucking serious) if Im going to watch 90 minutes of Beyonce yodeling her way through Etta James songs in a fat suit.

Id rather watch 90 minutes of this.

If at any time while reading this post you thought to yourself, “um who’s Etta James”, we can and will never be friends. Now, go learn so that I don’t have to cut you from my entourage. The first clip is vintage awesome Etta. She’s 24 years old. The second is from the early 90s during Etta’s cocaine and whisky phase as evidenced by the excess sweat and inclusion of Dr. John on an this super extended over the top performance of the otherwise heartfelt song, “I’d Rather Go Blind.”

Pussy Triangles

Another underwear alternative? Dude, whatever happened to wearing fucking panties or wearing a skirt that actually covers your lady parts or how about just keeping your damn legs closed and sitting like a fucking lady for once? Why the fuck do people keep trying to reinvent the wheel? My pussy does not need a strapless eye patch. After reading the directions, I’m pretty sure you have to be a gymnast to apply the damn thing properly. This bullshit is held in place with “adhesive strips” which requires several preparation steps including but not limited to “cleaning the area” and “waxing BEFORE not AFTER” adhesive is applied. Oh and it may cause irritation. And you have to pee around the eye patch by pulling it to the side. Like a bathing suit, when you are 10 years old and too lazy to pull it down the whole way. Check out this fucking massive list of directions . They obviously haven’t done proper market research – the stupid hoes that are going to be buying this shit can barely spell their names let alone read. I hope they include some diagrams with them shits.

Mad props to the ladies over at Missbehave Magazine who posted a pic and hipped me to the wonkness last week.

Player of the Week

The dude(s) at Fox who thunk up “Moment of Truth” are my new heroes. This is the best worst idea for a TV show EVAR! The episode up there is the most recent one. Some broad royally fucks off her marriage and we all get to watch. The premise of the show if you aren’t familiar is basically the same as truth or dare. But there is no dare part. You are attached to a polygraph and asked a bunch of “controversial” questions. Your answers are recorded and then kept from you. Then host dude asks you questions one at a time that are linked to a cash prize. A creepy robot voice announces to everyone if you are lying or telling the truth. The questions get more and more difficult to answer as the game progresses but, the cash prizes grow also. This ho blew the whistle on herself, admitting that she’s cheated and thinks she should be with her ex instead of her husband. She ends up fucking herself in the end but I won’t spoil it. Watch it for yourself.

I’d love to hijack this show, my questions would be so, so, so fucked up. I mean anyone can ask “Have you cheated on your husband?” or “Do you wish your parents were dead?” or “Do you resent your mother for not letting you learn ballet?” That’s

Questions, I’d ask – What would you ask?

“Have you ever poked your grandmother in the eye with the tip of your wang while she’s napping?”
“Are you sexually attracted to Carrot Top”
“Is Oprah a lesbian?”
“Are you on this show for the money or just so you can be on TV?”
“Would you agree to having a scrotum surgically attached to your chin for the rest of your life in exchange for one million dollars?”
“Have you ever fantasized about your mom blowing you?”
“Do I look fat in this?”
“Are you homo?….*no homo*”
“Did you vote for Bush?”

It’s Hater Tuesday


Skinny Jeans/Tight Pants:
When is the madness going to stop? Don’t hipster dudes care about their indie balls? Hipster Indie Balls everywhere must long for the day that they can breathe and hang freely away from the sweaty swamp that is the male pelvic region. I honestly think it’s up to girls to end this bullshit. I mean, there’s nothing I can personally do to stop it. I don’t even look at dudes with tight pants and I’ve got a dude so HIB are off limits. But, there are plenty of you single bitches out there who are enabling this fucking look. So, I’m talking to you hipster indie bitches — STOP YOUR MAN FROM LEAVING THE HOUSE WITH HIS H.I.Bs wrapped up tighter than Star Jones’ post-op loose belly skin in three pairs of Spanx. Be apart of the solution, not the problem.

Over Abbreviate-ers: I know we are all sooo busy these days but what gives with all the abbreviation? I’m all for being efficient and saving time but, come on. Does omitting vowels or shortening already short words really save that much time? My homegirl and I were talking about how there are so, so many abbreviations being used these days. Some of our business emails are starting to read like terrible text messages. If one more person emails me with the following words included I’m going to fucking scream.

“u kno”

This asshole is so fucking lucky I don’t have a car anymore. Who the fuck parks like this? This prick is taking up a perfectly good all day un-metered parking space in an area with like zero parking with his fucking pussy wanna be Vespa. As I was taking this picture a car stopped and asked if I was leaving. I explained that it wasn’t mine and I was just documenting the asshole parking job. I even offered to help move the fucking thing so he could park there but dude just laughed and said he didn’t need to park that bad. What a pussy. I’m telling you if I still had a car, I would have moved that fucking toy scooter onto the sidewalk and parked in his spot just to prove a point. I bet you that asshole wears skinny jeans too, them jeans is cuttin’ off blood flow to the HIBs and his fucking brain.

Yep, you got it. It’s Hater Tuesday!

Definitely, Maybe?: Definitely, Not. Ryan Reynolds, why are you in a Hugh Grant movie? Was he busy? Do you want to end up like John Cusack? You saw what happened to his career after he did that piece of crap America’s Sweethearts right? How did you get talked into this garbage? There has GOT TO BE other work out there for you. Is it the money? Did you blow all your personal savings in anticipation of all that Jagged Little Pill money? (Sorry that didn’t work out, I hear you’re banging ScarJo though so good job on that upgrade) Although, Alanis doesn’t strike me as the kind of gal that would pass out ATM cards. You, you, you outta know’d that was the case and made some better investments. Whatever the reason, let’s make this the last one of these. I’d like to see you in more shit like Blade Trinity. Remember this? Man, that was awesome. Amityville Horror was rad too. Even when you were shirtless you were still terrifying. And I’m not even all that into the ripped abs thing. OK well maybe a little. I understand you might be trying to “break-in” to a new audience but seriously bro, this chick flick bullshit is NOT a good look. If you want to win over the ladies, keep being a bad ass and taking off your shirt. That shit totally works with us.

Rihanna with Morris Day & The Time:

OK first things first — I call bullshit on the whole “first performance in 15 years” overdub. I saw Morris Day and The Time (the original members, including Jerome who hands Morris Day his comb and holds up his mirror) 3 years ago at my mom’s union convention here in SF. In case you didn’t know unions throw the best parties, especially SEIU. Those health care workers know how to fucking party. The video is right here if you don’t believe me (of The Time, not of the partying.)

Secondly, who the fuck decided to use Morris Day as a fucking intro? For Rihanna. I fucking love Morris Day and The Time. I was so pumped to see them rocking the Grammy’s. Then all of the sudden Morris Day disappears and here comes Rihanna singing that fucking song that makes my ears bleed. WTF? That’s not fair. You can’t tease me with the slickness that is The Time and then assualt my ears and eyes with that Alien Princess. There should be laws against that.

Player of the Week:

Partnership For A Drug-Free America: Pffft. Dude. Those “creatives” at the ad agency totally smoke weed man. Think about it….WEED COCOON! Best commercial evar. What if weed really worked like that, forming a physically restrictive cocoon over time? It would be totally worth it if the weed was still smokable after you emerged from it. A magicial replenishing weed source is like the stoner dream. Partnership For Drug Free-America always come through with the funny ass campaigns. That one with the kids hotboxing the car in the drive-thru is fucking classic. I don’t know if it’s bad or good that every time I see them I laugh my ass off and feel a little bit of pride for being a responsible stoner.