Everyone’s Fucking Pregnant!
Seriously, enough with the fucking babies. Why can’t everyone just keep it in their pants.? You’d think there was a world wide shortage on condoms or something.
Jamie Lynn Spears is Preggo
According the bastions of journalism, OK Magazine & TMZ.com, Britney’s little sister is knocked the fuck up. Come on don’t act surprised. It’s not like Mr. & Mrs. Spears have done a stellar job of parenting their first pop tart. I hope she invested wisely, cause she can kiss all that Nickelodeon money good-bye. I guess no one gives “the talk” in the Spears family. These dingbats probably still think you can’t get pregnant if you do it in the pool or if the girl is on top.
Jessica Alba is Pregnant
Whatever with her. As my friend Serg so eloquently put it, “Fuck that traitor, half-ass latina”
Lilly Allen is Pregnant
Great. I fucking hope this kid grows up square. The last thing this world needs is another aspiring rave musician. Gotta give it up to the Sun for posting the most unattractive picture of both ever taken.
Hallie Berry, Christina Aguilera, Jenifer Lopez, Nicole Richie. Cate Blanchett. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant.
Are babies the new hot accessory for ’08? Are Chihuahuas out? Fucking Christ.
Sweet Baby Jesus, Tara!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH YOU? First you get your tits hugened. Then you disappear because they are botched and you look like a cheap Tijuana tranny-whore. Then you get them “fixed” and hit the talk show/gossip magazine circuit with all this “woe is me, my tits are crooked, don’t let it happen to you” bullshit. Then you sorta disappear again because you want to “pursue some career opportunities” and shed your party girl persona. Then you show up at Sundance and get humped on stage by Akon. A few weeks ago, you were in Australia shilling out of style trucker hats and hosting a “hooker’s ball”!!! Now you pop back up looking like a terrifying combination of Nicole Richie /Lindsay Lohan circa ’05 and Lin Shaye in Something About Mary. I read that you collapsedin Bali a few days ago, but recovered quickly enough to make your next gig seen here: feigning hotness in a saggy bikini bottom for some shitty lingerie/pajama/bikini line. (seriously, when will these bitches figure out that saggy bikini bottoms are NOT hot?)
When are you going to realize that you’re too old for this bullshit? You’re in your *ahem*, 30s now. That means you’re dishes are done, dude. It’s not going to happen for you. It already happened. American Pie was as good as it’s going to get. You should have invested that money into something else besides botched tits and shitty lipo. But, hey listen. You know I love you. I just hate to see you do all this crazy attention whoring Anna Nicole bullshit. You’re better than that. Now go get a fucking sandwich, preferably a Monte Cristo and do some serious thinking. Whatever, you do DON’T HAVE SEX — you could end up fucking pregnant.