Archive for December, 2007

Mommy and Daddy, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday.

Everyone’s Fucking Pregnant!
Seriously, enough with the fucking babies. Why can’t everyone just keep it in their pants.? You’d think there was a world wide shortage on condoms or something.

Jamie Lynn Spears is Preggo
According the bastions of journalism, OK Magazine &, Britney’s little sister is knocked the fuck up. Come on don’t act surprised. It’s not like Mr. & Mrs. Spears have done a stellar job of parenting their first pop tart. I hope she invested wisely, cause she can kiss all that Nickelodeon money good-bye. I guess no one gives “the talk” in the Spears family. These dingbats probably still think you can’t get pregnant if you do it in the pool or if the girl is on top.

Jessica Alba is Pregnant
Whatever with her. As my friend Serg so eloquently put it, “Fuck that traitor, half-ass latina”

Lilly Allen is Pregnant
Great. I fucking hope this kid grows up square. The last thing this world needs is another aspiring rave musician. Gotta give it up to the Sun for posting the most unattractive picture of both ever taken.

Hallie Berry, Christina Aguilera, Jenifer Lopez, Nicole Richie. Cate Blanchett. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant.

Are babies the new hot accessory for ’08? Are Chihuahuas out? Fucking Christ.

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Sweet Baby Jesus, Tara!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH YOU? First you get your tits hugened. Then you disappear because they are botched and you look like a cheap Tijuana tranny-whore. Then you get them “fixed” and hit the talk show/gossip magazine circuit with all this “woe is me, my tits are crooked, don’t let it happen to you” bullshit. Then you sorta disappear again because you want to “pursue some career opportunities” and shed your party girl persona. Then you show up at Sundance and get humped on stage by Akon. A few weeks ago, you were in Australia shilling out of style trucker hats and hosting a “hooker’s ball”!!! Now you pop back up looking like a terrifying combination of Nicole Richie /Lindsay Lohan circa ’05 and Lin Shaye in Something About Mary. I read that you collapsedin Bali a few days ago, but recovered quickly enough to make your next gig seen here: feigning hotness in a saggy bikini bottom for some shitty lingerie/pajama/bikini line. (seriously, when will these bitches figure out that saggy bikini bottoms are NOT hot?)

When are you going to realize that you’re too old for this bullshit? You’re in your *ahem*, 30s now. That means you’re dishes are done, dude. It’s not going to happen for you. It already happened. American Pie was as good as it’s going to get. You should have invested that money into something else besides botched tits and shitty lipo. But, hey listen. You know I love you. I just hate to see you do all this crazy attention whoring Anna Nicole bullshit. You’re better than that. Now go get a fucking sandwich, preferably a Monte Cristo and do some serious thinking. Whatever, you do DON’T HAVE SEX — you could end up fucking pregnant.

Pimps & Hoes, Its Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday

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This is how it’s done people. This is how you be a rock star. You get high as fuck, take off your shirt, stumble into the street shoeless at 4am distraught, crying, just hoping that your dealer really is “on the way.” Kudos Amy, for showing these little pop tarts what’s really, real. Snorting an eight-ball on a Friday night and then driving around in a fancy car is not “partying like a rockstar” that’s just stupid waste of time and good drugs.

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Mmmmmm. Italian Wet Nuts. I can’t thing of a better way to fuck up a description and make chocolate souffle sound less appetizing.

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Non- Hippie Bus eh? I’ll be the judge of that.

1. Is it dirty? Is there visible rust or other metal corrosion?
Check and Check.

2. Have you ever seen it move?
Nope. This van has been parked outside my office in the same spot for literally three weeks. I ride past it on my bike every day wondering when it will get towed or at the very least ticketed. But no, each day it’s still there, ticket-less collecting dust. Where the fuck is the DPT? When I had a car my shit got ticketed every three days.

3. Is it filled with useless crap like mexican blankets, kayak paddles, bolts of old fabric like say corduroy or weird boxes of half done crafts?
Check, check and check.

4. Does it have at least two stickers on it, possibly “Save Tibet” or “Keep Tahoe Green” or the hallmark of hippies a Steal Your Face Grateful Dead Logo?

5. Is there shit hanging from the rear view mirror like say a macrame mini dreamcatcher or a keychain with a dangling crystal? Dried flowers on the dash or other pointless trinkets?
Check and check.

I rest my case.

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Pimp C dead?
Dude, this better be like the time that everyone thought E-40 was shot and killed in Vegas during All Star Weekend and then found out it was just a fucked up rumor. It’s bad enough some fools shot Spice 1 last night. As Fresh over at Crunk & Disorderly would say, something in the milk ain’t clean. I can’t take this much bad news in one day.

Well, it looks like this shit is true. I’ve gotten about 30 emails from folks all over about Pimp C’s death. Sadly, no one seems to know what the cause of death was. I guess we will all find out. Until then let’s remember the awesomeness of Pimp C. He was an outspoken dude to say the least. This interview where he disses Russell Simmons is priceless. I’ll leave you with this video featuring Pimp C and his infamous Drank University letterman jacket that I covet.

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Keep your head up for the homie Spice 1 – maybe the homie Noz over at Cocaine Blunts & Hip Hop Tapes will repost the dope Spice 1 mix from last year?