Archive for October, 2007

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Halloween Hoes: Halloween is when the freaks come out. It’s the international holiday for hoes. It’s the one day a girl can let her inner-ho hang loose. She can wave her ho flag high and proud without fear of being misunderstood or god forbid unnoticed. The “sexy” costume industry is booming – they’ve got just about every costume you can imagine all “sexy-ized” for your hoe’s pleasure. I’ve seen everything from “sexy” Cop to “sexy” Rainbow Brite to “sexy” Maid and evidently now they even have “sexy” turtle. Yes. SEXY TURTLE. Now I don’t know who the fuck decided that turtles should be “sexy-ized” but the costume exists. I saw it on some skinny confused hoe in Chico. See it up there? WTF is going on people? SEXY TURTLE? What’s next Sexy Bison? Sexy Flamingo? Sexy Jack OLatern, Sexy Darth Vader? Sexy Pac-Man?? Don’t worry because some of those actually exist. Click and see the horror. While you are scrolling on that last link, be sure to scroll down and see the difference between the Queen of Hearts and the “Sexy” Queen of Hearts costume or the “Satrburst” and “Sexy Starburst” — it’s pretty hilarious.

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Stupid Tattoos: Sometimes you see tattoos so stupid it’s hard to believe that they are real. I saw this dude last Friday as I left my office on my bike. In case you can’t make out what’s going on down there, Ive created a cropped close up.

Click here

Um, yeah. It’s what you think it is. Dude has decided to tattoo mud flaps adorned with the iconic naked stripper silhouette onto his calves. For reals. This guy is an asshole. I know this because he has those tattoos — no one stopped him. Not a friend, not the tattoo artist, no one. He’s got that shit on his body for life. FOR-EV-ER. I wish he was fatter because I’ve got about a million “your ass is like a Mack Truck” type jokes rolling through my head but they aren’t really working. But whatevers, look at that dumb shit. What a fucking retard.

I saw his legs as I rode my bike by him, about 100 ft later I realized that I couldn’t go on with my business until I got a picture. I doubled back and followed dude for about 2 blocks until I was close enough to snap this. That’s right I took this picture with my phone while riding my bike. Whatyouknowaboutthat? Im fucking talented.

I live South of Market in San Francisco where Bum Shits St and Abuse Your Girlfriend After The Club Ave meets Junkie Shooting Gallery Way. It’s really a lovely little part of town. My landlord describes it as having a lot of “San Francisco color.” I’ve come to learn that the color is mainly brown, sometimes a brownish-yellow. About 3 days out of 7, I step outside my house and am greeted by the familiar scent of shit or some days if I’m lucky, the pungent, yet classic shit/piss combo. The scent is commonly accompanied by an actual real live dump often times with toilet tissue or an old t shirt stuck right there in the poop pile. Every once in a while there is a shit spray of sorts on our garage that leaves me with a sense of awe. I mean, I can barely take a shit in a public bathroom. I can’t even imagine dropping trou on a public street right underneath someone’s window, spraying booty butter for all the world to see. Bums are amazing. What’s even more amazing is that all this scat talk is totally normal to me and most San Franciscans but in Eastern Idaho, wayward shitters are prime time evening news stories worthy of receiving sensational nicknames like “The Phantom Pooper.” I can’t even get my landlord to spray down the shit stains once a week and these fools in Idaho have a fucking stake-out and a citywide task force dedicated to finding this “Pooper” WTF? The only thing missing from this news story is an “amateur sketch” like they had in that Leprechaun story from Mobile.

Player of the Week:

Phantom Pooper of Eastern Idaho – While I’d prefer to live on a street that doesn’t smell like dookie, I’ve really got to hand it to the Phantom Pooper. I hope he keeps on pooping and stinking up Eastern Idaho. I find joy in the horror that his “work” has been creating. Maybe he can find some fellow poopers to join his cause and he can travel through the Midwest defecating under freeways spreading his dirty, dirty seeds like Johnny Appleseed.

Ladies & Gentlemen, Its Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday

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This useless island and stone monument are brought to you by Oracle, the Bay Area based technology giant who wants to make sure you know they have an ass load of money and a department dedicated to coordinating expensive tax write-offs. They threw up these palm trees and this retardo sign about two weeks ago. This shit is located on 8th and Harrison right where the 80 lets you off into the city. The best part is it is meant to “welcome” you to the Soma district but the sign is totally posted the wrong way. The two streets merge onto Harrison which leads East out of the Soma and into the Mission while, 8th St continues South but leads into Potrero Hill. Who knows where the Soma begins and starts but a sign welcoming fools to the area is pretty much useless on 8th & Harrison. Lames.

Ive been waiting for this album to drop so long, the title “It’s Whateva” is now very apt. To say I am a fan of the Federation is really putting it lightly. I fucking LOVE the Federation. That’s why I’m pissed it took this long to see the actual legit release. Adding insult to injury, about half of it is just complete garbage (like this one here.). I really have to give the big double middle finger to Warner Bros for dragging their heels so long trying to reinvent the Hyphy wheel. I’m guessing they think these new tracks are more “commercially viable” but um, yeah. Fuck that. I still gave FedGame my SoundScan but I def think OG FedGame is going to be spinning a lot more than this shit.

Cop them at iTunes: That OG FedGame or that new shit, It’s Whateva

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“I’m here to stay. My talent is a gift and I’m going to use it.”

Your talent is a gift? No, that’s luck bitch. You know what’s a gift? Your ability to use the excuse “that’s not my coke, i borrowed these pants” and have it actually work. That my friend, is a gift. The ability to slip out of not one, but two DUI’s AND a few possesion charges and not end up in a face full of muff at the local women’s facility, that is a talent.
Seriously, think about it. No one person has THAT much good luck. That shit is a talent. You should be thanking Jah, Jesus, Xenu, whoever the fuck for that gift. Embrace it.

Dicks & Chains, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday

My predilection for schadenfreude has led me to believe that I’ll most definitely be spending my eternal afterlife toiling in the bowels of the earth amongst the burning flames, molten lava and the split-hoofed beasties. I’ve resigned myself to accepting this, holding on to the dream that there is an “awesome” part of hell where hedonism reigns supreme. I’ve always thought I would remain there with all the good drugs and cool people like me who ended up in Hell on some bullshit technicality, no thanks to Jesus and his whole “WWJD” mantra…. but then I experienced this:

I am now convinced that this is what Hell really going to be like. Lasers, strobe lights, non-stop ear-splitting siren sounds will be the only stimulation. Silence will not exist. Sweaty, dead-eyed, furry-pant wearing, glow stick spinning trolls will encircle me shouting “ISN’T THIS AWWEEEEESOME!” and “PLUR” and “Oh! Oh! Oh! The good part is coming up!” as I rock back and forth slowly, closing and opening my eyes wishing that I was in Heaven. Frightening right? I know.

So, thank you Chemical Brothers for showing me that I need to be a better person, if for no other reason than to avoid eternal damnation in the Rave that is Hell.

Folsom Street Fair:

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Here’s the thing. I’m all for freedom of speech and expression but at some point a line must be drawn. For me, that line is drawn at 65 year-old dude wandering the streets wearing nothing but a series of chains connected directly to his 65 year-old dick being publicly whipped by another 65 year-old dude wearing nothing but a leather studded thong and a candy apple red leather bolero jacket. To get up close and personal click here and here

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Rave Fashion: I’ve said a lot of bad things about hip hop street wear in the past year but after seeing shit like this at the Chemical Brothers, Ive decided to lay off street wear for a while. In the first photo there are two dudes both with light up clothing. Dude holding a beer is wearing a shirt that flashes on and off and changes color to the beat. Dude in mid-hippyshake/foot-shuffle is wearing pants that with a light up racing stripe along his warm-up pants. Sadly, these were not the only guys with light up clothing.

The second photo features a “look” I’ve always been confused by. I mean I get it from the knees up. It’s standard ho wear with a nod to Micheal Jackson. What confuses me is the shoes, er boots, er whatever those are. I mean, she’s obviously going for a “sexy” vibe — but who told her that making your feet look like a teddy bear is sexy. I don’t know anyone who wants to fuck a girl with teddy bear feet. Do you? I blame Extacy.

Player of the Week

Folsom St. Fair Photographers: It takes a strong person to point a camera, focus and actually click a high res pic of two naked elderlies. That woman in the blue up there is really going in for the gold. I could not bring myself to photograph the front view. I had the ultimate displeasure of seeing Grandpa there in a prior scenario — He had himself chained (via his dick and only his dick) to a street sign pole outside the Powerhouse. I really, really wanted to take a picture, but I couldn’t bring myself to aim my camera and press the button. Each time I tried, my hands shook, my throat got that “im gonna puke” feeling and I’d turn away. So kudos to these players, you are stronger than I am.

My Brother:
Also, i’ve been listening to Kanye Wests latest album, and i’m digging it. I dunno if thats good or bad for you, but i’m putting it out there. I had to get that off my chest.

My brother emailed me these three sentences this morning. My brother doesn’t even like music, let alone hip-hop. I’m shocked. I’m troubled. Most of all, I’m now certain the sky will be opening up and it will start raining blood in no less than 3 days. Also, I’m pretty sure this means Kanye officially kicked 50′s ass.