Archive for September, 2007

It’s Hater Tuesday

heeeeey sorry i’m late for your birthday party, there has just been some really heavy shit at work lately….what? oh, yeah — no, not that job. i have another one now….im pretty sure this is the one though….opportunities for advancement and what not…anyways your mom told me you were into computers and shit now so i got you these floppy disks….

last week a pal asked me who i thought the least talented famous people were. i had so much fun hating i’ve decided to post my results here –

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MIA - I too salt and pepper my mango, but that does’t mean I can or should attempt to “rap.” I find MIA’s voice a little too squawky and I rarely (if never) can understand what the fuck she is saying when she actually speaks. Sure, sure I “get” her appeal. However, it’s pretty fucking lame. Bitch, dresses like a 4 year old. Peep her outfit above. She actually wore that shit on stage. She needs to fire that fucking stylist pronto. What kind of name is Cassette Playa anyway? The real talent behind MIA are the produers. Diplo pulled out some heaters for her. Take “20 Dolla” for example, that beat is so fucking sinister. Sampling New Order? Gaaaangsta. I dunno if Diplo is responsible for that one, but if he is word the fuck up.

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Rene Zellweger – If by talent you mean “good at making a lip pursy sour puss face with annoying squinty eyes regardless of the situation” then yeah, she’s fucking brilliant. On the real the only place it really worked was Bridget Jones Diary, but even then it only worked because Fielding’s character was already a royal pain in the ass.

Zach Braff – Not talented, tries really fucking hard to be whitty and talented. Everyone is like, “his work is so personal and introspective, I learned so much about myself watching Garden State” You know what I learned by watching Garden State? Zach Braff is a whiny pretentious bitch. You ever see that episode of Punk’d with Braff? He loses his shit and beats down a 12 yr old for tagging on his car. Sure, I hate graffiti too but the kid is 12 and you’re a fucking millionaire. What an asshole.

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Cameron Diaz – Have you seen The Sweetest Thing, because I have and it sucked. Sure she’s done a lot of movies besides that one, but for me, that fucking piece of trash really highlights her craptastic acting. There are some scenes where you can almost hear her brain thinking aloud as she is “acting”. She’s full of terrible body language and awkward expressions. She’s a waste of space. I don’t care how tall and blonde she is. She is the suck.

Fergie – Sure she can sing, Ill give her that BUT — She sings the same shit all the time. She’s got zero range and her song writing doesn’t exist. That’s whyWild Orchid never popped off. The only reason she’s important is because Will I Am of the Black Eyed Peas can write a mutherfucking hook and produce his ass off. Sure I hate the Black Eyed Peas, but Will is a pop genius. Fergie should thank her lucky stars that Will found and rescued her from whatever meth den she was living in. Without that first pair of hot shorts and co-opt of the “round the way girl” hairstytle in the Where is the Love video she’d still be cashing four cent royalty/residual checks from her Kids Incorporated days wondering why her agent doesn’t return her calls anymore.

Player of the Week:

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consider this an interactive one — sort of like those puzzles you find in Highlights Magazine at the dentist…

you get one point for everything wrong you find in this picture.

take a good hard look and then click here

Oldies but Goodies…

I’m starting to feel like an alcoholic father who is MIA all year but then randomly shows up on Christmas morning with a pathetic attempt at a last minute gift he copped at Walgreens. Clutching one of those plastic mesh stockings filled with a bunch of crappy toys made in Japan that break the minute you touch them — still sorta smelling like booze despite the copious amounts of Old Spice he’s hastily applied to his neck beard — he embraces you, tells you he misses you and then promises to never miss another birthday or Easter or other gift-giving/love sharing holidays again. Part of you wants to believe him, after all he is Dad (or at least claims to be) but deep down you know not to trust a word he says because he’s never kept a promise in his life so why would he start now? When you ask him where he’s been he’s got all these excuses but none of them really explain his level of neglect. By the time he’s gone, the wind-up keys on all the toys are broken and your mom is yelling at you to take out the trash but you can’t hear her because you’re in your room listening to Twist of Cain on 11, wondering why they fuck you were born into your shit-hole of a family in the first place.

I don’t want to be that Dad. I’m tired of excuses and they never, ever make up for the lack of hate so I’m done with them. I’m not saying that I’m capable of being all Bill Cosby with to my postings (read always there, giving loving insight and trusted sage advise) but I’d like to meet somewhere in the middle. I want to be a better blogger and try and be there on Tuesdays even if I only have time to post one thing…

I’ve been getting emails requesting that I re-post some classics, so in the name of baby steps towards regular Tuesday posts here are a few oldies but goodies from the archives.

I will have fresh hate next week including highlights from Rock the Bells SF, a recent trip to NYC, tales from the Oregon Coast and more….