I spent the weekend away on business, so you know what that means…..out of town hate…you bitches love that shit. While I finish it up and upload pics here is something for you to check out.
Im really fucking pissed that someone else got thier shit together and resissued this before I did. Oh well. The good news is, that it’s out there for the masses to get learned on.
Betty Davis is hands down one of my favorite musicians ever. She’s hard as fuck and has the lyrics to prove it. She broke the mold before they even decided what the mold was going to be…..I spent A LOT of money and A LOT of time searching long and far for the original pressings of these joints between 1999 and 2003. I have everything she’s ever released domestically. Yes, Im a nerd.
The point is — she is the truth. This isn’t my favorite song from this album but it’s a damn good one. Enjoy.
These fucking kids….A Hater Tuesday Special Report: Teen Hoes
Teen Groupie Hoes:
I think these little bitches pop, lock and dropped thier way out of the womb dressed in see through halter tops, faces caked in M.A.C. cosmetics and Steve Madden platform heels. It’s like all they watched in thier formative years was MTV Spring Break Miami instead of Blues Clues or Sesame Street. These hoes have been cultivated from birth…it’s the only explaination. These little hoes were no older than 16 (at best) and more realistically were around 14. They paraded around the “club” (show was at Slim’s… it started at 7, which means it was still light outside and these hoes had on stripper heels) mean mugging packs of rival teen hoes, waiting to and hoping that on on-stage “hoe-down” would occur. Of course these hoes got lucky and it did go down. In a matter of minutes the stage was filled with rival groups of “teen hoes” all writhing and grinding thier way to a future of bad decisions and STDs.
To see a terrible animated gif of hoes in action, click here.
Shitty R&B is Destroying The Youth:
Thank you Akon, for schooling a new generation of young boys on the power of the “dry hump.” And thank you Pretty Ricky for providing step by step instructions on how to please a woman. It’s hard enough to be a teen girl without having to worry about your man doing his best “Pipelaya” impression in your mom’s living room. When I was a teen ho, we had to figure this shit out on our own. We didn’t have no Pretty Rickys or Cassies walking us through getting our groove on. NewEditionwasn’t singing about “Let me slide in…hit you from your front to back…” All Ralph and the boys sung about was having crushes and getting the girl…and it worked. Ralph would help you get the girl and what you “did” with her was on you. It concerns me that these young boys are practicing such ill fated love making techniques. These 5 are destined to underperform and destroy a young woman’s first time with this body worm shit.
There is a second video that begins by warning potential viewers that watching the video may result in “wet panties.”
PS. Just when you thought “fuck yo’ couch” was dead, this video has surfaced to remind us all that a good catch phrase never dies.
PPS. THIS JUST IN – more couch fucking, this time with sanitary precautions and lotion.
props to Hater At Large – Mark from Plinko for sending the OG link.
props to Hater At Large – Thug E Fresh for this new one.
A Bits of Advice For Young Music Journalists: This is a terrible piece of writing. There is nothing I hate more than a shitty musical critique. If you are going to hate on something, fucking hate on it. Don’t pussy foot around the hate, build a case and fucking unleash it. If you can’t properly build a critique you should probably get out of the CD Review game and go back to reporting on the highlights of the badminton team.
1. Don’t review an album you downloaded from Limewire, it’s probably not labeled correctly* or an accurate copy of the album as it’s intended to be heard. Therefore, your review is shit.
2. If you don’t like the genre of music the CD boasts you probably shouldn’t be reviewing it. If you don’t listen to rap music why the fuck should I care about your critique of it. You don’t see me writing about classical music now do you?
3. When in doubt fucking fact check.* If you can’t find your answers, ask somebody. It’s called an interview. Try it sometime.
4. CD reviews should be short. This shit is epic. If it’s going to be epic, it’s a good idea to make sure you have a point. The only point made here is that you are a square and too wordy.
P.S. Publicly responding to haters on YouTube from an echo chamber a top “Nerd Mountain” is not a good look bro. It didn’t work for Byron Crawford.
*”Hogs of Night” ?? Come on, dude.
Good to have you back Lindsay. Paris is going to jail, you know what that means? You get to be red now. Now, call Tara and let’s get this party started right and quickly.
image from WWTDD.com
Player of the Week:
Um, did Tony Soprano just go all Burning Man on us this past Sunday? Who decided it was OK to send Tony into the desert to eat Peyote with Vegas stripper? Is this how the family is going to fall apart? Is Tony going to end up in orange faux fur pants, spinning glowsticks at dawn, shouting “PLUR” from the rooftop of Bada Bing’s? WTF?
I fucking told you she was a merle. Seriously, do you need more proof? In case you don’t know Brookie here is know to have one of the “best tucks in the game” Since this display last week, Miami is experiencing a bit of “Tuck-a-Mania.” My sources say these photos have both dance professionals and “street professionals” up in arms about her the startling absence of nude “dance tights” which traditionally protect one’s eyes from possibly catching a glimpse of dancer parts mid performance but more commonly aid some TS & TV to achieve the “perfect tuck” therefore boosting track appeal. The TS & TV communities are scrambling to analyze these pics for indications of how Brooke “tucks.”
This Lilly Allen Video: I am like the only person on the plant that doesn’t like Lilly Allen. I get why people do – she’s cute, she’s sings fun catchy melodies with lyrics that are goofy and familiar, therfore inciting feelings of happiness and unexpected levity in listeners filling them with unexpected delight. That shit doesn’t work on me. There is an icy piece of coal where my heart should be. I don’t like a lot of happy go lucky shit. I mean I’m no harpie, I just like things with a bit more edge. Her shtick is just too sweet for me. She’s like peanut brittle. A bite is good but a whole chunk is just uncalled for. This video in combination with the song is just too fucking much. I see it and I get filled with rage as opposed to those warm nice feelings other people get. The rage factor is intensified by the fact that if you replace all the weed mentions to “eating chips” or “cookies”, rewrite that last verse about fitted caps out for something about “internet” or “movies” and changed the Alfie part to my brother’s name (that also starts with an “A”, btw), you’d pretty much be listening to a song about my brother. Sad part is Im not sure if Im more pissed because Lily Allen feels my pain or because my brother is not in college which is driving me crazy and making me feel an untoothsome kinship to Miss. Giant Forehead herself (come on those bangs are there for a reason)
Reading Letters I Wish I’d Wrote- Jesus Martinez of Drunken Stepfather is a witty Mexican, and by “witty Mexican” I mean “most likely a clever white dude who likes Mexicans or Mexican food, namely tacos and therefore feels he is part of the culture. I bet his real name is like John Miller or something very generic Anglo. Anyhoo, I don’t really give a fuck what his name is or if he’s Mexican because this is the internet and that shit doesn’t matter. If I can google “unicorns fucking” and come up on this then dude can be Jesus Martinez. More importantly, dude is funny and has a website to prove it. He talks about boobs, porn, celebrity whores, regular whores and shit like that. He wrote a letter to Kim Stewart as a response to her um “demo song.” I really liked what he had to say, especially the part about “that fucker wronged you by being diseased and incapable of processing your booze, forcing you to make irrational decisions…” That shit was gold. Gold!
PLAYERS OF THE WEEK:
Hipster Bitches Unaware They Are Too Old For Trends
These pictures speak for themselves. Thanks to my Partners in Hate SergDun& Brandon B for pointing out these asswipes.