There are few things that I hate more than sloppy, gross eaters. Food is a necessity, but it should also be a delicious and nuturing experience. Lord knows we all get busy, I’ve certainly eaten my fair share of meals-on-the-go, but you will never catch me eating food that is not approriate for someone on-the-go or eating in an ill situation. Check out your boy up here — this fool officially takes the crown for Most Ill Eating Habits Ever.
Allow me to narrate — what you see here is a man in his late 30s (read: knows better) standing at the deli counter at Safeway. He’s ordering a sandwich (normal activity) and he’s got a huge salad (that he’s yet to pay for) sitting in front of him. The woman making his sandwich had literally just finished spreading mayo on one half of the bread when dude announces rather loudly, “What is taking you so long? Damn, isn’t there anyone back there that actually knows how to make a sandwich? You got the turkey right? I want turkey” As he gets to “you got the tur-” part of his sentence he rips open the salad container and starts shoveling Rowandan refuge sized bites of iceburg into his mouth while he continues to speak to the woman, “-key right? I want tur-ff-mmkey” As he continues to chomp down on the (unpaid for) salad right on top of the deli counter “sneeze-gaurd” barking out criticisms, little chunks of food fly out of his mouth on to the “sneeze-guard” and over it onto the sandwich prep area and right onto the lady’s sleeve. Needless to say it was at this moment I decided NOT to get a sandwich.
Dude continues to eat his salad like it’s nothing and be generally assholish. At one point, between berating the woman and devouring his salad he turns to me (now pretending to sniff out ripe bananas so I can watch the rest go down) and gives me one of those “Can you believe this shit?” type faces. I gave him one of my signature looks of disgust and went back to my bananas. No way am I co-signing on that attitude. Finally, the sandwich is finished (honestly it was not taking any longer than any usual sandwich making i’ve experienced), the dude grabs it hella fast, smushing it to shit in his claw of a hand and then continues to the check out stand all the while eating his salad paying little attention to the mess he’s dropping along the way.
Of course I follow him. He gets to the counter and there is exactly one person in line ahead of him who is half-way through her transaction. Dude immediately starts mouthing off to the clerk saying “Listen, this salad is open. Im eating it…” The clerk tries to ignore him as she’s encouraging the current customer to donate a dollar to MS or some shit. Dude immediately raises his voice and repeats himself since old girl isn’t really paying attention him. She looks at him and responds “Im with a customer right now, we are almost done here then Im more than happy to address your issue” which is a very diplomatic response considering she’s about to be giving him attention in about 2 seconds. Roughly 2 seconds later, she is face to face with Salad Man, who is now on full dick mode. She greets him cordially and reaches for his salad to scan it, this is when it gets ill. Salad Man holds onto the salad with a Vulcan Death Grip and then says “LIS-TEN, THIS -SAL-AD IS O-PEN, I AM EAT-ING IT” in the way you would address someone with mental illness or retardation. The clerk keeps it surprisingly together and says “I see that sir. I’m trying to help you pay for it, if you don’t give it to me I can’t scan it. How do you suggest we handle this” The dude looks at her, looks at me and then looks at the salad and says, “I want you to scan this and this bullshit sandwich so that I can finish my lunch and go back to work, do you think you can handle that? If not then maybe we should call a manager. The people in your deli are incompetent, I guess it’s a storewide problem”
I was appalled that he would speak to someone like that. Sure Im a hater, but Im not rude. There is no excuse for rudeness especially with people you don’t know. I don’t care how hungry you are or how long you have been waiting. You treat people with respect unless they give you a reason to act otherwise. As she checked him through, I let out a loud sigh of disgust and then made a point to say rather loudly, “What an asshole” as he walked away — he didn’t hear me but that was probably because all he could hear was the sound of crunching lettuce in his head. Because of course he immediately tore back into the salad AND the sandwich as he walked away.
Moral of story is dont be a dick and for god’s sake people if you are hungry and don’t have time to sit down and eat something that requires sitting then get something portable like a smoothie or a piece of fruit or some trail mix – not a fucking salad with dressing. A good rule of thumb– if it drips, is hot, requires condiments (hot dogs included) or requires utensils sit the fuck down for 2 minutes and eat that shit. Walking and using a fork is not cool people. Not cool at all.
I’ve been waiting for this moment since she first showed up on the cover of Rolling Stone in that polka dotted bikini back in ’99. I knew at that moment that one day she would unravel at the seams and we would all get a peek into the sad confused girl that’s been shaped and molded into a “teen sex pot” and then sold to the highest bidder. Hater Tuesday reader Cockzilla was there that day. I professed in his apartment by using a marker to draw a comic book thought bubble pointing to her mouth that read “I will be knocked up, in rehab and/or have an affinity for balls on my face by the time I’m 20” or something close to that.
Sadly, all this head shaving and rehab in and out crap is making Federline look like an alright dude for putting up with such a fucking nutbag. Let’s face it, Britney is 2 dead babies and a TrimSpa sponsorship away from following in the footsteps of Anna Nicole. I always thought I’d be more excited when the shit hit the fan but Im not. I guess it’s like when I’m pouring cream into my coffee and I know there isn’t enough room but I do it anyway thinking to myself, “this is gonna spill” and it does. It’s just like that. I think. Wait? What?
Two More Reasons I Will Always Love Tara Reid
First there is this and then there is this — they are both magical and awesome:
NOW WITH VIDEO!!!
Tara, your invitation to Gurp City is open ended. Don’t be afraid to call. We love and need you.