Archive for February, 2007


It’s Hater Tuesday

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There are few things that I hate more than sloppy, gross eaters. Food is a necessity, but it should also be a delicious and nuturing experience. Lord knows we all get busy, I’ve certainly eaten my fair share of meals-on-the-go, but you will never catch me eating food that is not approriate for someone on-the-go or eating in an ill situation. Check out your boy up here — this fool officially takes the crown for Most Ill Eating Habits Ever.
Allow me to narrate — what you see here is a man in his late 30s (read: knows better) standing at the deli counter at Safeway. He’s ordering a sandwich (normal activity) and he’s got a huge salad (that he’s yet to pay for) sitting in front of him. The woman making his sandwich had literally just finished spreading mayo on one half of the bread when dude announces rather loudly, “What is taking you so long? Damn, isn’t there anyone back there that actually knows how to make a sandwich? You got the turkey right? I want turkey” As he gets to “you got the tur-” part of his sentence he rips open the salad container and starts shoveling Rowandan refuge sized bites of iceburg into his mouth while he continues to speak to the woman, “-key right? I want tur-ff-mmkey” As he continues to chomp down on the (unpaid for) salad right on top of the deli counter “sneeze-gaurd” barking out criticisms, little chunks of food fly out of his mouth on to the “sneeze-guard” and over it onto the sandwich prep area and right onto the lady’s sleeve. Needless to say it was at this moment I decided NOT to get a sandwich.

Dude continues to eat his salad like it’s nothing and be generally assholish. At one point, between berating the woman and devouring his salad he turns to me (now pretending to sniff out ripe bananas so I can watch the rest go down) and gives me one of those “Can you believe this shit?” type faces. I gave him one of my signature looks of disgust and went back to my bananas. No way am I co-signing on that attitude. Finally, the sandwich is finished (honestly it was not taking any longer than any usual sandwich making i’ve experienced), the dude grabs it hella fast, smushing it to shit in his claw of a hand and then continues to the check out stand all the while eating his salad paying little attention to the mess he’s dropping along the way.

Of course I follow him. He gets to the counter and there is exactly one person in line ahead of him who is half-way through her transaction. Dude immediately starts mouthing off to the clerk saying “Listen, this salad is open. Im eating it…” The clerk tries to ignore him as she’s encouraging the current customer to donate a dollar to MS or some shit. Dude immediately raises his voice and repeats himself since old girl isn’t really paying attention him. She looks at him and responds “Im with a customer right now, we are almost done here then Im more than happy to address your issue” which is a very diplomatic response considering she’s about to be giving him attention in about 2 seconds. Roughly 2 seconds later, she is face to face with Salad Man, who is now on full dick mode. She greets him cordially and reaches for his salad to scan it, this is when it gets ill. Salad Man holds onto the salad with a Vulcan Death Grip and then says “LIS-TEN, THIS -SAL-AD IS O-PEN, I AM EAT-ING IT” in the way you would address someone with mental illness or retardation. The clerk keeps it surprisingly together and says “I see that sir. I’m trying to help you pay for it, if you don’t give it to me I can’t scan it. How do you suggest we handle this” The dude looks at her, looks at me and then looks at the salad and says, “I want you to scan this and this bullshit sandwich so that I can finish my lunch and go back to work, do you think you can handle that? If not then maybe we should call a manager. The people in your deli are incompetent, I guess it’s a storewide problem”

I was appalled that he would speak to someone like that. Sure Im a hater, but Im not rude. There is no excuse for rudeness especially with people you don’t know. I don’t care how hungry you are or how long you have been waiting. You treat people with respect unless they give you a reason to act otherwise. As she checked him through, I let out a loud sigh of disgust and then made a point to say rather loudly, “What an asshole” as he walked away — he didn’t hear me but that was probably because all he could hear was the sound of crunching lettuce in his head. Because of course he immediately tore back into the salad AND the sandwich as he walked away.

Moral of story is dont be a dick and for god’s sake people if you are hungry and don’t have time to sit down and eat something that requires sitting then get something portable like a smoothie or a piece of fruit or some trail mix – not a fucking salad with dressing. A good rule of thumb– if it drips, is hot, requires condiments (hot dogs included) or requires utensils sit the fuck down for 2 minutes and eat that shit. Walking and using a fork is not cool people. Not cool at all.

Britney Spears:
I’ve been waiting for this moment since she first showed up on the cover of Rolling Stone in that polka dotted bikini back in ’99. I knew at that moment that one day she would unravel at the seams and we would all get a peek into the sad confused girl that’s been shaped and molded into a “teen sex pot” and then sold to the highest bidder. Hater Tuesday reader Cockzilla was there that day. I professed in his apartment by using a marker to draw a comic book thought bubble pointing to her mouth that read “I will be knocked up, in rehab and/or have an affinity for balls on my face by the time I’m 20” or something close to that.

Sadly, all this head shaving and rehab in and out crap is making Federline look like an alright dude for putting up with such a fucking nutbag. Let’s face it, Britney is 2 dead babies and a TrimSpa sponsorship away from following in the footsteps of Anna Nicole. I always thought I’d be more excited when the shit hit the fan but Im not. I guess it’s like when I’m pouring cream into my coffee and I know there isn’t enough room but I do it anyway thinking to myself, “this is gonna spill” and it does. It’s just like that. I think. Wait? What?

Two More Reasons I Will Always Love Tara Reid

First there is this and then there is this — they are both magical and awesome:

NOW WITH VIDEO!!!

Tara, your invitation to Gurp City is open ended. Don’t be afraid to call. We love and need you.

People Surprised by This:
seriously people you think all that slurring was a result of good old fashioned southern hillbilly yokel breeding? sure i’d love to think so too, but let’s be real. you can’t get that slack jawed without the help of good old fashioned drugs. methadone is a interesting choice but not all that surprising considering that anna’s famous and any famous person with an affinity for recreational intoxicants knows that the one of the first perks you start working is the “hollywood pharmacist” so you can get the good shit. fuck street drugs. street drugs are for poor people. why you think we have so many fucking crack heads and heroin addicts? nevermind what 20/20 says about “street value” trust me when i say drugs is cheap. drugs is a business, you got to make that shit available to the people at an affordable rate otherwise you won’t have customers. in order to make a little profit sometimes quality is compromised. Drug dealers have profit and loss margins, they have overhead costs they need to cover. I think Jeezy explained it best when he said, “Jeezy like to drink, Jeezy like to smoke, Jeezy like to mix arm & hammer with his coke” You see in order for Jeezy to drink and smoke how he wants he’s got to mix in a little filler in with that snow…it’s trap game son. anyhoo back to anna, im not surprised to say the least that they found mad injectable drugs and a bunch of slim fast/TrimSpa – what were they expecting to find in there organic flax seed oil and some omega-3s? on a slightly related side note “ANNA’S DEATH FRIDGE” is a pretty fucking awesome headline and potential band name.

People Who Are Not Watching The (white) Rapper Show: If you are not watching, or don’t like it or think it’s wrong you are a retard. This is the best shit on TV right now. It fills me with so much joy each week I almost forget that I have to hate on Tuesdays. Last night had a hate theme. Needless to say it was the best episode yet. John Brown came with the cherry one liners and Jus Rhyme had me wincing and embarrassed like every 10 seconds. I spent like 45 minutes last night watching the shit on VH1 Vspot because Im so gay for this show. Im pissed that the “ringtones” aren’t Verizon compatable otherwise my phone would be ringing with John Brown’s Soak Up The Love right now. Don’t make me create my own “Hallelujah Hollaback” ringtone…cause I will.

The Internet:
It may seem ironic for me a blogger to be hating on the internet — but it’s not. I guess I should be focusing my hate more specifically on the world of e-jargon and technology that I don’t understand and continually fucks my couch. It’s important that you realize my understanding of how the “internet” works is not good. Sure I have a “website” but I can barely post on this thing let alone configure systems or organize data or anything that can’t be generated using fancy tools like the button on wordpress that makes everything all bold or all italics or all linky. I know like 3 basic lines of html — I learned them from livejournal cheat guides. You’d be hard pressed to tell me and make me believe that there the internet is NOT magic, because in my world it is. You type on this box and then press go and then it happens. Just like magic. I’m still convinced the crumbs that fall off my bagel into my keyboard keep the e-trolls at bay and therefore protect my web kingdom. Someone told me that the crumbs dont help and in fact they may be the reason why my last keyboard kept typing like thisssssssssssssssssssssss when I got to words with the letter “s.” It was suggested by this same person that I get a can of “spray air” — I laughed it off. I mean, come on, “spray air” that’s like saying “cans of water.” Losers. I broke down and got a new keyboard (crumb free!) recently and since then it’s been e-hassle after e-hassle. Which proves my point, crumbs keep the e-trolls away. Now the e-trolls are hungry people…and they are eating my e-assets alive. There are not enough bagels at the donut shop to keep them at bay.

Grammys:
I didn’t even watch this year because I didn’t give a fuck. I took a look at the winners list and went “hmm whatever” until I got to the metal section then I got bummed. Real bummed. Mastadon was robbed. Slayer won. That might sound crazy since I’m a huge Slayer fan but honestly that album they won for is sorta jank. I mean sure it’s Slayer but it’s sorta phoned in. That Mastadon album is fucking goooooooooooooood. Those dudes are amazing – as is Lamb of God. I’d be lest pissed if they won over Mastadon.

Player of the Week : Trends “The Rapper” from “I Love New York”


New York – Lord knows I been hard on this bitch but last night she kicked the phrase, “Im really feeeeeeling the FUCK out of this Nerd!” in reference to cracker-ass Boston. I fell out laughing and had a moment of love for her. I was looking online to see if I could find a clip, but no love. I did come across this though which made me laugh. This fool Trendz got the boot cause he was slanging mix tape game on the show. This is his “diss” track that he’s posted to YouTube. You know to get back at NY for calling him a “burnt, crispy, twizzler” on TV. My favorite part is at the end when, he calls himself “Trends The Rapper” just in case we all misunderstood and maybe just thought he was an entity.

Ladies and Gentlemen Its Hater Tuesday….

Kitchen in the Building:
Oh wow, you guys have a full kitchen in the building! That’s cool,” is one of the most common sentences I hear from people who are visiting our office building for the first time. I always smile and nod, sometimes even going as far to say”Yes we do, it’s cool” but really it’s the opposite of cool. I never cook in there because A. It’s a germ factory down there the fridge is filled with foul ass rotting organic yogurt and other random “all natural” items B. Im fucking working, I don’t have time to make a grilled cheese or whip up stir fry in the middle of the damn day. I go get lunch like a normal person. Truth be told, I wish we didn’t have a kitchen in the building because then I wouldn’t have to deal with the smell of overcooked scrambled eggs, fishy fish sauce or burned toast — all of which I smell more or less on a weekly basis. Im amazed that people still don’t understand that this joint has central heat and air which means: if you burn toast on the first floor everyone in the fucking building can smell it.

Hip San Francisco Cafes - I’ve come to the conclusion that my own personal hell is located on the corner of 20th and Alabama. All I want is sweet strong coffee. Why do I have to wade through hordes of dirty (yet ironically freshly showered) bike enthusiasts, strung out punkrockhippies, pretentious self important “art” students, aging ravers, lesbian blue grass enthusiasts and other obscure sub-cultures personified via terrible fashion choices, just to get a damn cup of coffee?


Breakfast Dates:
While sipping coffee at my own personal hell this weekend, I witnessed something I had never seen before. A breakfast date. Who the fuck goes on a breakfast date? Seriously? When was the last time you went on one? Wait let me answer for you — NEVER! Of course there are morning-after breakfast dates but that’s more of an excuse to make sure your booty call gets the fuck out so you can enjoy the rest of your day. Those don’t count. A breakfast date is a bold move. That’s like admitting that you have no intentions or interest in getting some (unless you are an advanced player but that’s on some whole other shit and trust me dude on the date was NOT advanced.) The two of them stirred around bowls of granola and yogurt (no im not kidding) and shared a glass of Yerba Mate (ugh) while they bored me with shitty get-to-know-you topics like “where did you grow up?” and “what kind of music do you listen to?” and so forth. Bor-ring. It was like being trapped in the worst episode of Blind Date ever.

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Gavin Blaming The Booze For Dippin’ The Pen In Company Ink
To get some of you up to speed who don’t live in SF or just don’t give a fuck – our mayor, Gavin Newsom was called out for bashin’ up his former appointments secretary who was also the wife of his personal aide and re-election campaign manager. He admitted it was true, gave a statment and apologized. That should be the end of story but of course it’s not. Evidently, Gavin is “seeking treatment” for his alcohol abuse.
He maintains that his “problems with alcohol are not an excuse for my personal lapses in judgment” but he does want us to know that he’s “seeking treatment” which is different than going to rehab. Um, okay.

Don’t blame the booze Gavin. Let’s face the facts here, you are a young, attractive, wealthy man in power. That means a wide variety of eager and power hungry hoes are going to holler. It’s your job as mayor to keep it in your pants or at least be careful about where you stick your junk.
You started off in this game married. Unfortunately you were married to a fellow player who had her eye on her own hustle. You my friend were a well played piece in her game. I’m sure it stung a little bit to see her go but let’s face it – that was the best shit to ever happen to you. Come on dude you know that upped your game like mad. Everyone thought the divorce was going to hurt you, but it didn’t, which proves my point. No one really cares who you are smashing (or not smashing) on as long as it don’t fuck with city business and doesn’t involve crack or children or kittens. Passive-aggressively blaming booze for your lack of player-aforethought ain’t tight at all. What did booze ever do to you? It gets you drunk, gets you laid (obviously), helps the pain go away, ect. All great things. So my advice is leave the booze out of it and refocus on your pimp strategies.

Lucky for you, I am skilled in the area of game. I’ve helped countless players, aspiring players and regular average joes get thier game back. In some circles, I’m known as the “Tony Robbins” of game spitting. I digress — on with the advise:

As I mentioned, there are a lot of sneaky bitches in this world who are going to want to get over on some of that politician ass. So be smart and date someone who’s more famous than you or so homely that everyone thinks you are the man for taking in a lost dog. My suggestion would be the former. Dump that marginal ho you’re hitting now (evidently, she’s some sort of actress. I know this because the press keeps inserting the word “actress” before her name because when we see the name we all go “Who?“) and get with some real flashy game. This is not a good look. I hear that broad Sienna Miller is pretty easy – she doesn’t even wear pants – and everyone still loves and talks about her. Think about it.

Player of the Week:
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This is sooo San Francisco. A Prius adorned with handmade protest posters is parked on every block. This one however is just too fucking much. Peep out the amendments dude has made to his goals “Troops Home By Christmas 2006 — NO 2007 — NO 2008″ This fool has probably had this “Elect Kucinich” hype on his car since 2004. Since his hippy ass is so busy fighting the good fight (read too lazy to take that shit off his ride) the sign is now actually useful again (not that Kucinich is going to actaully be a vaild Presidential Candidate) all he had to do was pencil in 2008 on that bitch. Now that’s recycling at work! I had to put this player up because he ain’t taking no for an answer. Get those troops home dammit!