Yo, where the fuck is Funkybitch? Why is this page not updated since fucking October? Is she dead? Is she drunk? Only a few know the truth. You pick the reason
Funkybitch has been…..
A. Recovering from an attempted merking in SF General. She was thrown into Putah Creek with jugs of Rossi Sangria tied to both her ankles. Some speculate she was targeted after calling out E-40 for guesting on that bitchmade Brooke Hogan joint and mis-reppin’ the Bay on Wid’n'Out.
B. After a chance encounter with Tara Reid at NYC hot spot Bungalow 8 (okay, outside Bungalow 8, Tara couldn’t get in either) Funkybitch’s dream of boozing with Frankentit finally came true. The two shared a 40oz on a stoop around 10th Ave. The 40oz turned into 2 40oz s which led to Jager shots which led to Sex on the Beach body shots which led to a very drunk Tara Reid waving and slurring loudly “HAAAAAAY POLICE MAAAAAAAAAAAAN, COME JOIN US IN TARADIIIIIISE” which quickly led to both Funkybitch and Tara being hemmed up and thrown in the NYC Pokey for an indetermined amount of time. Both Tara and Funkybitch fell into deep states of depression when the story neglected to hit the pages of PerezHilton.com (he was too busy reporting on Britney’s ever exposed snatch…)
C. Funkybitch recieved an “offer she could not refuse” from an unnamed militant political action party. She is not free to discuss the details but she can and does insist that it in no way has to do with training and practice of the “dark arts” and is in now way affiliated with the upcoming Pepsi Smash Superbowl Fiesta show featuring Kanye West and Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas.
Now on with the Hate…
Hip Hop Fashion – NY im looking at you. WTF is going on over there? Don’t blame us — I don’t see shit like this out here. Sure we have plenty of assholes walking around swathed in children’s bed sheets but we are not brewing up a secret army of hip hop elves skilled in the art of break dancing hip-hoppery. Look at this bitch Im not entirely sure she’s tall enough to be in the club (she was tit-high at best) but i guess she’s old enough or maybe she used her elfin ways to sneak in so she could get the best of us. All I’m saying is she was up to something. She walked around all night with that stupid ass grin, striking a hip-hop pose whenever she could. She might just be the reason why everyone thinks hip-hop is dead.
Here are a list of hip-hop fashion trends I’d like to see die and never come back:
anything by BAPE especially the all the way zip hoodies and the all over print.
Disney Themed Denim sets
Patent Leather Nikes aka Ice Creams
Flashy bedazzled Ts and Hats
Please remove the “new era” sticker from your lid — we get it. It’s original. You paid more than you should have for it. It might be limited edition. WFC? It’s like when fools refused to take the retail tags off Starter jackets back in the day — I thought that was stupid too btw.
A picture speaks a thousand words…I’ve only got about 5 for Jus Rhyme from the best show on TV aka The (white) Rapper Show and they aren’t “Stop wearing the fatigues playah” see if you can peep my message.
Booze Teasers – Don’t you dare fucking tease me with booze having prior to a 6 hr flight and then post up a sign that reads “oops sorry no booze” and think it’s going to be okay. It’s not going to be fucking okay. It should be fucking illegal to taunt someone like this especially before they are departing on a plane that will not make with any booze until at least 30-40 minutes after my ass hits the chair. Do you know how difficult it is to sit through all the boarding, awkward getting settled in a tiny seat with people you don’t know who are just centimeters from touching you at all times and the “how-to-be-safe-if-we-plummet-into-the-ocean-even-when-there-is-no-ocean-crossed-on-this-flight-speech” without having at least a portion of preliminary buzz on is? well let me tell you. it’s fucking rough. in the good old days, i would just have booze with me in case of emergencies but now i can’t even bring a fucking bottle of water through security let alone a fucking metal flask filled with sweet, sweet whiskey.
Player of the Week:
John Brown aka The King of the Burbz:
He had me at, “I’m not a rapper, I’m an entity” Then he hit with the whole Ghetto Revival concept and exclaimations of “Hallelujah Holla Back.” When he busted out that business card he made on Juelez, I almost pissed myself. Last night, when he hit us with “that sounds like track 29 on a mixtape” it became official. I love da King of da Burbz. His shit is so riddickle, I want to invite him over roll a few bleezies and and split a gallon of ‘Yak just so I can soak up game.