Three Strikes your out 40 Water:
E-40, Why you have to go and do that huh luv? What the fuck E-40? Seriously WTF? I hope you realize this hurts me more than it hurts you. I’ve been singing the praises of E-40 for like 12 years, you are one of my favorite rappers. Someone once said to me, “I like E-40 and all but to my cousin, E-40 is like Jesus ” I responded, “I know how he feels, E-40 is sorta like Jesus to me to.” Now look where we are. It’s Tuesday and your picture is up there*
I like to give fools three strikes. You are now offiically struck the fuck out.
Strike One: You let dumb ass Ashton put you on that Punk’d shit. I was concerned cause for real, how you supposed to Punk E-40? You handled it tho mayne. You didn’t let them get cha and you popped off with some Yay area slanguage. I let that one go. The Punk’d appearance was your freebie.
Strike Two: You fucked up and went up on that bullshit show Wild’n Out. I’m not even gonna waste words on bitch-ass Nick Cannon, if you want to know what I really think peep the archives. The shit that made me the most upset was your bitchmade performance. Yes bitchmade. I said it. You were rhyming over a vocal track. A fucking vocal track 40? Your fat ass was running out of breath because that Too-Fast-Too-Furious-Tokyo Drift-ass DJ had it sped up leavin’ you all breathless by the time you get to the first, “Tell me when to go…” You are supposed to be the fucking Ambassador of the Bay and this is how you rep us? Come on now. Your ass had like 7 “HYPHY” dancers giggin’ all over the place, fools waving airbrushed t’s that read “The Bay Is Back” with your face in fucking rhinestones all over the mutherfuckers, rocking choreography, but you couldn’t stop by the studio for a hot second and bounce them instrumentals to a CD-R? I know you got people for that right? That’s some lazy ass Bay Area shit right there. In the Bay, we’ll let you get away with fucking up and forget instros. We know how hard it can be when you are all blunted and faded off six Gatorade bottles full of Sangria Rossi to remember ALL the key shit. But when you are on the job, when you are supposed to be “Ambassadoring” the mutherfucking Bay in salty ass NYC (who is just waiting to point and say “SEE THAT AIN”T REAL HIP HOP, NY IS HIP HOP. YA’LL RAP FUNNY STYLE”) you need to man up. Your game must be tight.
Strike Three: This Brooke Hogan bullshit. That song “About Us” was wack as fuck. The remix is even wacker. I know the paper had to be right and you are all about the gouda but damn homie, Brooke Hogan? I hope you you stacked enough chalupas to put Taco Bell out of business or enough to buy the Bay our dignity and some of your street cred back. Cause shit is toast. You dun gone and fucked up any cred the Hyhphy movement or The Bay had. Oh and Traxxamillion – I see you on that shit too. The only reason I ain’t going hard on you is because you from San Jo and you still got some strikes left….but Im watching you…Im watching you.
*photo by the very talented Norma Cordova
Tara Reid/Us Weekly Collabo
God Bless Us Weekly for providing Tara Reid with a platform to speak out about her “plastic surgery nightmare.” I’ve been wondering for so long, did have plastic surgery? Or did her tit just morp into Igor overnight? Finally, I know. It was a bad tit job. The article doesn’t dive too deep into the details of the “nightmare” but then again they were talking to Tara. When a girl leads off a story with a quote like, “I never thought I would have nipples that looked like this.” You sort of have to shut your trap and let it the story unfold, right? Us Weekly def let her tell her story. I found out that she suffered from depression and self-hate that drove her to booze and a bad surgeon. Relentless bad press like pictures of her Franken-tit or of her double fisting in a bikini (my personal favorite) or worse, flat on her ass, shit housed on the sidewalk outside night clubs became too much to handle. She’s tired of not being taken seriously. I mean she’s made “like over 20 movies.” Tara wants you to know she’s had reconstructive surgery and is picking up the pieces of her life. I applaud Tara for opening up to Us Weekly. I wish Tara and her new nipples the best. I’m rooting for them both (the nipples and Tara) I really suggest that you each pick up the magazine if only for some surrounding context on the following quotes:
On her reconstructive surgery:
“[My new surgeon] measured where the bumps were wrong. So say you were on a bumpy road in real life, he repaved it… He’s a healer.”
On being healthy in Hollywood:
“You gotta fix yourself. And I think the way to fix yourself is by looking better.”
On being intimate:
“I mean, you definitely need to turn off the lights, that’s for sure.”
Guys she dated on her tits (really, I didn’t make this one up):
“What’s wrong with them? They look really bad. You know you should really get them fixed”
“Because there are certain things you don’t want to talk to your mom or brother about – like having sex or your breasts.”
“My mom would make us white Wonder bread with Nutella, serve it with Doritos and that was lunch”
On her career:
“People forget I’ve done, like, 20 movies. I’m not just a party girl.”
“I’m not always drunk. My picture is only taken when I have a cup in my hand.”**
On her tit job being a popular topic:
“You would literally think that they shot the president. I’m like they’re just boobs!”
** me too girl, me too!
Introducing a brand new section called, “Still Douchey and Coked Out” it’s pretty much what it sounds like. I post pics and you guess who’s “still douchey” and who’s “coked out” Or in this case who’s both.
Submissions welcome send to firstname.lastname@example.org
images jacked from Cake & Ice Cream