First and foremost you can all fuck right off if you don’t like my posts today because it’s my birthday and I’ll do what I goddamnned please. I mean not that I don’t normally do whatever the fuck I want on Tuesdays, but today is like Super Hater Tuesday. Here we go -
Working too much: I’ve been working like a damn dog as of late. You know what fuck that analogy, I know a lot of dogs and most of them are lazy pieces of shit who do nothing but sniff crotches and/or lick themselves. They don’t work for shit. I’ve been working harder than a single mom with 3 kids and no car. Long ass days – early in the office, late out the office. My social life is suffering and even worse my hating life is suffering. Sure I’m crankier than ever, just ask anyone who’s been in my immediate reach the last month or so. I’ve heard “you need a massage” more times than I can count. Even my mom is like “Hello…are you out there?” and “Honey you are working too much” But whatever with my mom and my friends, what I am most upset about is my lack of time to follow things that are really important to me like Tara Reid walking a runway show at fashion week looking like someone yanked her by the hair out of the ladies room (sniff sniff) and hurled her onto the runway with no explaination or motivation beyond “There’s cocktails down there” and yet another cameo by Lindsay Lohans disgusting hairless cunt. Or worse the terrible loss experienced by one of my other favorites Anna Nicole. Anna Nicole’s son dies and I’m clueless until I tune into E! late night while I’m eating cereal and calling it dinner. I’m like a week late on all of these fucking key events. That’s fucking terrible. I’m pissed.
Things Are Tough All Over: There is some serious lack of decent weed going on right now. Everyone I know is in tough times, even the most reliable of connects is on some “it’s all bad right now” type shit. It’s times like this I wish I had an official weed holder who’s sole responsibilty was to cop and carry my weed. That way all I need to do is look to my left and say some shit like “Yo dun, what’s really?” and then blammo, it’s like drank in my cup, blunt in my hand. But these days, I just be dealing with the dry spell. Cause I live by the RBL “don’t gimme no bammer weed, we don’t smoke that shit in the SFC” Some harvest some shit and send it my way already. Fuck. I work too much to be trippin’ on finding good weed.
Moving: Moving fucking sucks. I’ve been moving for the last month. Little by little shit has been moved from old house to the new house. I’ve been living out of a suitcase in a room with a bed and a TV and that’s it. I’m living like a goddamn run away. Moving sucks most when you live with other fools who are moving too. Shit gets all over the place and everything is in various states of packed, for example you can leave one the house one morning and you have shit like spoons and forks, then you come home later and all that is left are those butter knives that are all fucked from that one time you did hot knives of resin after watching too many episodes of the Trailer Park Boys. You’ve got a left over container of Chow Mein and no fucking fork to use so you end up using a big ass mixing spoon and the shit goes all bad. You stand there staring at the Chow Mein going “Fuck I really want to eat this” so you go all Ethiopian on that bitch. Then some one comes home and finds you two fingers deep into a tub of Chow Mein to remind you that there are some plastic forks left in the pantry from that BBQ that one time and you feel like an asshole.
Every Airport Besides Bob Hope Airport: Flying right now is a pain in the ass. I’m all for being safe but some shit is just retarded. No fucking water past the security check point? No lipgloss? No hand lotion? Come, fucking on. Some asshole can bring his laptop but I can’t bring fucking Carmex? Puh-lease. The only thing that’s been making flying cool lately is the fact that I get to fly into Burbank Airport aka Bob Hope Airport aka the best airport ever. I love that fucking airport. You get to walk on the tarmack, Southwest loads from both ends, there is never a line and it’s not even close to being the clusterfuck that LAX, JFK or SFO can be. I’m actually not even that pissed about going to LA anymore because I know it’s going to be painless. More airports should be like Bob Hope.
Bay Area NFL Teams: Come on boys. Let’s do this shit. Game faces on. Team play on. Coaches rally your fucking teams. Raiders you have the rowdiest fans ever and you can’t manage to get your collective shit together to win a fucking game? Really though…I’m serious. I’m totally ready to get rowdy and be all down for you because let’s face it Raiders are more gangster than the 49ers. But when you punk out week after week it’s hard to switch voer. Niners, remember when you were awesome? Let’s work on that okay? Get your shine back. Let’s do this shit. One measily win? Come the fuck on already. I’m about to be a Raider fan for real cause if Im going to support a losing team it’s got to be the Raiders…at least those mutherfuckers go dumb at games and they don’t kick you out of box seats for spilling beer on some rich white dude.
PLAYER OF THE WEEK:
The honors this week go to BOBBY FLAY. Only arrogant ass Bobby Flay would conceptualize a show in which he ambushes prize winning chefs with unique specialties to a food duel. He tricks them by making them think they are being featured for being an awesome home chefs and they dude is like “YO! I’M BOBBY FLAY, I’LL FUCKING COOK CIRCLES AROUND YOU – CHECK OUT MY FUCKING ASSISTANT CHEFS, MY SUBURBAN FULL OF PROFESSIONAL COOKING GEAR AND MY MAD YEARS OF EXPERIENCE” He just rolls out and sons people and acts all smug about it. Fuck Bobby Flay, his three sauces and mango addiction.