Geezus Chriminus…Didn’t I just write one of these fucking things like two days ago? How the fuck is it Tuesday…AGAIN? Oh well. I guess it has something to do with the fucking holiday or whatever. Fuck a holiday in the middle of the week. I’d rather save up all the bullshitty holidays (yes I just called July 4th a bullshitty holiday) till the end of the year and tack them onto the post New Year’s Eve recovery zone. Cause let’s face it, that’s when I REALLY need a few more days to “rest” and by “rest” I mean drink more. Okay so on with the show -
Funkybitch is busy these days so she looks towards her friends for help sometimes. My brother in hate, only to be referred to here as the Legendary Big I, sent me this rant yesterday and it warmed my cold, cold heart.
New A.P.C. T Shirts: You know I love the A.P.C. I am buying an APC suit next week so I can rock the suave older Frenchman look and continue to date younger ladies who would otherwise be perceived as vastly out of my league. But seriously, fuck APC and their $90 purple sleeveless t-shirt that says “Addicted to Oil” right in the ear. I see that and imagine some effete asshole with hairy shoulders feeling good about himself when he has $13 drinks on the patio of Medjool. I would rock one of those shirts only if it a) had sleeves b) was not the color purple and c) instead of a car there was a picture of VO5 hot oil treatment. Or possibly a semi-naked Rachel Ray slathered in her beloved EVOO.
Rachel Ray: I’m not entirely certain that I haven’t previously hated on ol’ Rachel Ray but since Big I made mention and I can’t remember if, that must mean bitch is due for some reminder hate or some fresh new hate. Period. Here is a list of reasons why I hate Rachel Ray -
1. She has a dumb nervous giggle that she or her producers thinks makes her cute. It is not.
2. EVOO – Bitch it’s called Olive Oil. We know what kind to use. Just say Olive Oil. EVOO is not cute. It’s disturbing.
3. Rachel Ray’s Tasty Travels & 40 Dollars a Day – are these not the same exact fucking show? Why do we need another traveling Rachel show? Why god why? Send Paula Dean somewhere – show me what she eats. Fuck Rachel Ray.
4. Fake Bites & Useless Descriptions – So I’m not a retard. I know you can’t take a big bite and then talk about the food. But, don’t touch the food to your lips and then give me an insincere expression of it’s tastiness coupled with the menu description of the contents, “YUM-O….you’ve got cheese, nice bread, ham…” I want to know what it tastes like not what’s in it you dumb ho. Also stop saying “YUM-O” right now.
5. Rachel Ray Magazine – Do we need a magazine too? Certainly she doesn’t have as many tips as someone like Oprah or Martha.
6. Faux – Nice – Nice - Rachel Ray was that snotty little twit that was in your class who everyone hated because she was such a know-it-all snatch face on the school yard. You know the type, as soon as class was in session or the teacher was looking she turned into a sweet as pie goody goody little miss helpful who couldn’t possibly be doing anything wrong or being mean. She never ever got caught being her true snatch self but everyone around her got caught trying to call her out. She cried when she didn’t get her way and pranced around in her fancy pink tights and matching cardigan when she got her way after all. I can tell just by looking at her that she runs her business the exact same way. She plays all nice and approachable on TV but I bet you $5 she is a total fucking twat to her staff and everyone around her.
In conclusion, I hate snatch faced twits and that is why I hate Rachel Ray.
Also, I would totally pay to see Paula Dean battle Rachel Ray in a full contact version of Iron Chef America. I say “full contact” because I know Paula would cut a bitch who tried to get wise and cheat. And I KNOW Rachel would cheat.
Phish Live In Brooklyn The Movie: Cockzilla is probably going to have my hide for this one but I don’t care. DO WE FUCKING NEED A PHISH MOVIE? Really? Do we need a 2 hour visual recording of a show in Brooklyn? Didn’t Phish break up? Isn’t that shit done now? Or are they pulling some Cher and Babs “FINALE TOUR” type shit. Also, does this movie involve outtakes and backstage shenanigans? Because if it doesn’t it’s gonna be the most boring shit ever. I’ve been to a Phish show. Shit, I’ve been to a lot of Phish shows. Once upon a time, I was a hippy. Yes. It’s true. I can’t deny it. I grew up in Northern California, to hippy ass parents. My dad smokes more weed than Snoop Dogg, you try and grow up and not be a hippy. That shit’s behind me now, but it gives me even firmer legs to stand on when I say shit like PHISH ARE BORING TO WATCH LIVE, unless you are on drugs. Lots and lots of psycho-tropic drugs. Then and only then it’s like “whoa man” and that’s because you are there in the building and it’s all dark and the lights are all swirly and shit and you are like “Dude….is that my hand” not because there is something epic happening on stage. On stage there is just 4 dudes noodling on guitars making silly faces because they too are on drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.
PLAYER OF THE WEEK:
This week’s players come live and direct from LA, thanks to two Haters At Large — Thug E. Fresh and his homie who shall only be know to you as Monkeywrench.
They speak for themselves – but of course you love commentary, so commentary you shall recieve.
Get a closer look HERE to better enjoy this dialog.
Borracho 1: “Orrrraaale, I’m feeling tired homes. I’m just gonna lay down over here by the couch for un siesta pequinita…no te preocupes”
Borracho 2: “Que Paso, pendejo? Cansado? We’re getting fucked up, guey…sit up and drink like a man.”
Borracho 3: “Aye, I dunno, carnal…I’m un poco cansado to0, guey. Maybe just a little siesta hombre…”
Borracho 2: “Maricons…todos son maricons. I’m not going to bed, I’m dreeeeeeeeeeking more. I’m not sleeping until I pass out, guey”
The best part is that this photo was taken at 3am. So lord knows how long these fools were actually passed out. And according to the photographers, they had no intentions or indications that they were moving any time soon. The photographers took many shots progressively moving closer and closer and finally setting up a tri-pod to capture the moment seen here. Yes, a tri-pod. They had to get a steady shot yo. And no Los Borrachos never once flinched. This image makes me proud to be Mexican. I want to write a traditional ballad about them in the Ranchera style.
Only In Hollywood:
The best photo ever. I can’t even give this bitch a name because I wasn’t there to see this shit happen. This is the best image to ever grace POTW. Here’s the story from the Monkeywrench’s mouth.
“this is my bigfoot photo, this is my “nessie.” if i only had gotten closer with a better exposure (!), but i feared they would’ve attacked. taken in the parking lot adjacent to the el capitan on hollywood blvd. we were all in queue for the 3am showing of pirates of the carribean – and she was our entertainment. this amazing specimen of blonde breastitude was blasting pantera and other assorted metal assaults from her car stereo and rocking out hard. she was a rock ‘n roll hurricane and we all got swept away. then, this random guy (pictured) comes up and starts chatting her up. within minutes, he’s feeling up her ass and she’s dropping her shorts and pulling out her big silly-cone titties. she lets him, but then also is playfully pushing him away, laughing and slapping his shoulders. i love hollywood. everyone within view is cheering the odd couple on and flashing cameras like mad. the random is loving it and my friend and i declare loudly that he clearly wants to eat out her ass. i keep hollering “metal!” and the whole scene is like a circus train wreck, only even funnier. then, the random gets into her car and hangs out in the back seat expecting some play while blonde ambition shakes her ass and dances for us, who have become an adoring throng by now. finally, security comes and runs her off while we boo and hiss. the random is still in the car as she nearly drives through the line of us waiting for the movie before she is directed out the other driveway by security. god bless these two and whatever substances were coursing through their blood. i hope they went to the hollywood downtowner hotel and had sex so raunchy it made ron jeremy blush. their offspring should run for office. rated r for mature themes, drugs, some nudity, and language.”