Archive for April, 2006

Britney Spears: Dude. Pregnant?Again? Jeez gurl, we all like to get down with the get down but dang, use something to protect yourself. Didn’t you just pop out a freakin’ kid like 3 months ago? Is KFeds dong magical? Why is he knocking bitches up left and right? So much for that whole smoking pot makes your sperm retarded. His shit must be like mutant power sperm. All I know is Britney better hide her sister cause KFeds is proving to be ruthless. I got 5 bucks on KFeds pullin’ an RKelly on that shit.
(photo yoinked from A Socialite’s Life)

Yo Mamma Please someone get Wilder Valderrama off my TV. I can’t bear to hear his ambiguous Latin accent any longer. Anyone else besides me call bullshit on that accent? All I am saying is I think he has been playing Fez a little too long. Um and can we talk about this show for a minute? I can’t think of a wacker concept. Do we really need 30 minutes of dumb ass Yo Mamma jokes? Who made Wilmer an authority on charging? Did he really spend all That 70s Show bread already? I guess I haven’t taken the whole Lindsay Lohan factor into account. She does do a lot of blow. But still, it’s been over for a while now. She’s moved on. The kids on this show can’t diss their way out of a paper bag. I know A LOT of people who will cap circles around the chumps on that show. Hell even Google has better jokes. I typed in “Yo Mamma” and found this which made me laugh about 15 times harder than any episode of Yo Mamma I’ve ever seen. Oh also can someone tell me when charging became the same thing as battle rapping? Like on the real when was the last time you rolled up on fools clowing on each other in an organized fashion. Last time I checked dissing the homies was just some shit that happened when someone got cute for a second and needed to be reminded they were a bitch. Am I wrong?

BART Trains

Why is it that the last BART train from Oakland to SF ALWAYS smells like shit? And I don’t mean metaphorical shit. I mean like actual shit.


Conceit aka The Toothless Wonder

There are photogenic people and then there are un-photogenic people. Lucky for Conceit, he can rap his ass off because he certainly falls into the latter category*. I’ll let the images do the talking. On the real, peep game and cop Conceit Wasted Talent! In Stores Soon!

*it should be noted that just because he doesn’t always photograph well it doesn’t mean he is unattractive. Conceit’s mom thinks he’s handsome and that is all that matters!

It occurred to me yesterday that I got so caught up venting about Jebus I forgot to give you all a Player of the Week on Tuesday. Well friends thanks to one of my favorite Haters at Large – Cockzilla, I now have the Player of the Week. No. Scratch that, this fool is Player of the Year. Seriously. I thought ol’ boy with no shirt and a Treo took the cake, but nooooooo this guy is THE one. Enjoy and remember -

“The Devil is a mutherfuckin’ liar so you KNOW I ain’t worried beeeeotch, STUPID BITCH…you’s a house niggah”

All praise the Player of the Year!

Mary and Jesus, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday!

24 Hr MUNI Day: For today and today only Muni is running 24 hrs. Oh and it’s free. It’s in honor of the centinennial anniversary of the 1906 Earthquake. According to the website there are parades blah, blah, blah and traffic so ride the Muni instead, blah, blah, blah. That shit is cool or whatever but what I really want to know is why the fuck can’t this shit happen all the time. I don’t really care about the free. I’ll pay for my fare, shit I’ll even pay more, just make that shit run all night every night or at the very fucking least on the weekends. All special service hours like the ones today do is frustrate me and remind me how wack it is that we don’t have more reliable transportation here in SF. It’s like a big fuck you very much in the face on some “Yeah we can do it, buuuuuuuut it’s just not worth it unless we are celebrating the 100 year anniversary of mass destruction caused by a natural disaster and have we reminded you that it could happen again ANY DAY now?” Much appreciation I have for such eloquent and cleverly executed hatred and certianly the hate force is strong in this one. But enough of that Yoda bull shit…I am a Darth Hater and I have no problem calling these fools out and letting them know they are wrong and stupid.

    Cilantro is delicious

It is an amazingly fresh tasting herb that brings new life to each dish it encounters. It does not violate in any way the holy texture to taste ratio which smart people use to judge food and it’s deliciousness or lack thereof, like say the true evil and unnecessary devil’s fruit, the Tomato. All this hate should be focused on Tomatoes instead of selfless Cilantro. Cilantro should not be punished because of an uneducated palette.

A&E’s God or The Girl: Okay this is on some shit. It’s interesting as a motherfucker but it also fills me with rage. It’s a reality show about 4 “All American Guys” (that means “privledged white men” ) who are at crossroads in thier lives. They are struggling to decide whether or not they should get married and start thier lives or surrender to God’s call to the Roman Catholic priesthood. I’m not exactly sure how God’s calls you – maybe there is a big ass gold and white phone that shows up outta nowhere with a blinking arrow and a neon sign that reads “God” or maybe your cell just rings and instead of Default Ringtone 7 it’s all “Halleleeeeeujah-Hallelujah-Hallelu-jaaaaah” and the caller ID reads “Jesus.” Anyhoo, the show details the means in which these four men have decided to figure out how to answer thier calls. They have all embarked on some crazy ass shit: One dude is on a pilgramage from Cleveland to Niagra Falls (that means no money, no plans he is gonna let God guide him! Where I’m from that’s called freeloading and squating or being homeless), another dude decided to up and fly to Guatamala to find a mission to work at (he too wants to let God guide him, watching him squirm on a Guatemalan bus was classic), the third dude has chosen to “bear the cross”, meaning he has built a replica of Jesus’ wooden cross and he is carrying it on his back for 22 miles just like Jesus did. I am not sure what the last dude is doing since the episodes I watched hadn’t got to him yet. I’m hoping he commits himself to raising from the dead or turning water into wine or something awesome.

Now before I continue let me just say I in no way frown upon people searching or looking for spiritual enlightenment. I am a heathen, BUT I do have faith. For me personally, that faith does not need to be aligned with a specific brand of organized religon in order to empower me. So like I was about to say, THESE DUDES ARE FUCKING CRAZY!

Seriously, this show fills me with rage for many reasons. The least of which is the fact that we the viewer are supposed to be empowered or impressed with the fact that 4 privledged white dudes are engaged in the most self involved soul serching ever. They have yet to show the “girl” portion of the show. The other half of this show’s premise is that for each of these men there is a woman (note soley referred to as the girl not woman when the term young man, or man is used to describe the boys, yes boys!) who is in limbo, expected to sit around and wait to see if her boyfriend still wants to marry her after he’s done dragging a fucking full size 80 lb. replica of the holy cross all over fucking town. Personally if my man all of the sudden started saying shit like “God called upon me and asked that I search for the meaning in my life, so I am going to either be a priest or marry you, but I have to go to Niagra Falls first” I would split quicker than you could snap a “Host” biscut in half.

The other troubling part is that the show does not document skeptics or critics of these dude’s journeys. The have edited it to show that “God will provide.” The dude who is freeloading, err “on a pilgramage” has not been turned down once on his mission. He walks into diners, tells them about his “pilgramage” and then all of the sudden the other white person is like “are you hungry? here look at this menu” or “oh you need $30 dollars to get a bus to NY? You are so courageous here take $20 bucks” It’s lovely that people are so helpful but let’s be real if he was a young black man, or a young latino or basically a person of color do you really think he would be as successful? I think not. Especially traveling through the middle part of the country. So this asshole keeps harping on and on about the “power and wonder of God” and how if you let him “God will provide” but he fails to see that there is A LOT of other shit that is providing for him, mainly his white skin.

Also seriously if you saw a black/latin/person of color dragging a huge fucking cross down the street you WOULD NOT go up to him and ask him what he was doing and why. You would shake your head and go “crazy nigga/mexican/chink.” Nor would you then commend him on his dedication and commitment to finding himself. But this is exactly what happens. A lot.

Guatemalan trekker is the least interesting and the easiest to disect. He comes from a rich family. He rebelled against his family and the money by shirking his high-paid position as a corporate douche in favor or a more spiritual life. Now he is really sticking it to them by threatening to be a priest and running off to Guatelmala to work in a mission. He plans nothing, gets lost looking for the bus because he doesn’t speak Spanish. He finds a mission that he has not contacted prior to his arrival and shows up thinking that the arrival of an American is going to be recieved akin to somethign like the second coming of Christ and is sadly disappointed when the missonary tells him he can stay for a “few days” because they really have all the help they need. In classic form we see him squirm when he sees the squalor and reality that is a third world country. It’s like dude…watch PBS, shit is bad out there. Duh.

All in all watching the shit just reminds me exactly why I do not participate in organized religon and exactly why I empower myself through completion of goals and tasks that have tangible value. If you cannot big up yourself then no fucking on is going to do it for you. I don’t care how many crosses you bear or how many free dinners you score or how many Guatemalan baby asses you wipe.

Phew…that was a religous rant if I have had one. I’m spent. I’m not even spell checking, Jesus called and said I don’t have to.