Verizon Wireless: I ordered a new cellphone last week on Valentine’s Day. That shit was supposed to arrive overnight. Why do I still not have my phone? I called those bitches 3 times last week, waited on hold for upwards of 30 minutes each time only to be told “We’ve been having some issues fulfilling all our orders due to an unprecidented response to our recent promotions.” Finally yesterday I get someone with a brain on the phone and they inform me that “There seems to be some problem with your credit card” to which I responded “IT’S A GOLD CARD BITCH! RUN THAT SHIT AGAIN” and lo and behold it was vaild. It’s a fucking gold card, no shit. Turns out the dipshits who enter the order data transposed some numbers and no one could get it together to holler at me to rectify the problem. So now a full week later I am waiting for my new shit. Meanwhile my phone continues to turn itself off mid phone call, call unsuspecting parties and generally act up when it needs to be doing it’s job. I’m not feeling the customer service right now. Not at all.
Dog Stroller Bitches: This shit is real folks. I saw this bitch in Union Square about a month ago and completely lost it. Thank god my girl Jessica was with me to photograph it. I could barely keep it together long enough to ask permisson. The real disturbing shit is that this was NOT the first dog stroller I’ve seen in SF. In the last 2 months, I’ve seen 3 dog strollers and 3 dogs being carried in fucking baby Snugli. Seriously do we need fucking strollers for dogs? That’s obviously wack right? How insane/indifferent/dilusional do you have to be to rationalize pushing your fucking dog around in one of these things? It’s bad enough that there are dumb bitches refusing to make thier children walk around, now these bitches are refusing to let thier fucking dogs walk? A dog should be walked. Period. If your dog can’t handle a day out shopping, maybe you shouldn’t bring the fucking thing? All I know is I fucking dare one of these bitches to get in my way with a fucking dog stroller. I will not be shy about how I feel. I’ll give both of them a reason not to be walking.
Flying Stand By: Remember when motherfuckers were too fucking scared to fly after 911? Airports were a dream back then. Sure the security checkpoints were a bitch and carrying weed cross country was totally out of the question, but I never had a problem getting a seat on a plane. I flew twice last week and both trips were completely fucked. The most fucked trip was the flight I took out of Oakland on stand-by status. I spent 6 fucking hours waiting to get a seat on a flight that would have me in the air a grand total of 1 hour and 40 minutes. The return portion of that trip was equally fucked. America West had ya girl stranded mid-leg in the Pheonix airport just waiting to get on her flight back to the Bay. Let it be known that’s the main reason ya’ll didn’t get hate last week. The second trip I took was also delayed on both ends and I bought that ticket full price. So what I really want to know is where are all these mutherfuckers coming from? Why so many people flying now? How come these damn planes can’t keep to a mutherfucking schedule? A boss like myself has schedules to keep and I can’t have bitchmade Southwest or US Airways fucking up my couch like that.
Player of the Week:
Player of the Week goes to ol’ boy who bought my tits a drink in the Oakland airport last weekend. I think his name was Carlos. Poor Carlos was in his late 40s, early 50s and was bored as shit. His flight had been delayed for about as long as mine was so he was posted up in the bar drowning his stress in Hefewisen. I sat down next to him fucking livid after blowing up on the tiny female ticket agent who was the third person to tell me that I was not getting a seat on the third flight I was attempting to board. As I sat down and sighed, Carlos took a minute to ask “Delayed?” and then stared directly down my shirt and asked “Can I buy you a drink?” Bieng the cheap bitch that I am I said “Sure, that would be lovely” while thinking “Hell yeah beers are $7 and Jameson is $9…Did he just talk to my tits?” Carlos proceeded to tell me/us all about his failed marriage ( his wife left him for her boss, ouch!) and his three kids who he was en route to visit. Ol’ boy busted out cell phone and regular pictures for me to peep all the while he kept the booze flowing. He bought me and my boobs (he didn’t stop staring at them the whole time) 3 beers and topped it all off by throwing a 10 spot to the bartender so as to make sure “this pretty lady gets a shot of Patron in her.” Carlos completed my sleezy airport bar experience by asking to “take me out to see Modesto” sometime. Yes, Modesto. I felt so bad for mooching, I almost gave him my real phone number. Almost. Play on player, play on.
A special shot out goes to New York on Flava of Love. Ya girl dropped the gem of a quote this week, while blubbering about her true love for Flav she uttered, “I’m not gonna share my man with another girl….a big girl at that!” in reference to Goldie, who had won Flav’s affections for the night. To New York I say this… Never underestimate a big girl, she will snatch up yo’ man in a heart beat. Sometimes a man wants to sit back and let momma drive…and let’s face it little bitches always get lost.
btw if you are still sleeping on Flava of Love, let me give you a reason to tune the fuck in. New York is crazy as a mutherfucker and will cut a bitch…she’s definately grown on me. I still think she looks like Janice from Dr. Teeth’s Muppet Band tho…