Archive for January, 2006

Beckys and Steves It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday!

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Public Cell Phone Conversations:
This one goes out to my coworker and sometimes boss Big I. We rarely agree on things, but this one we def see eye to eye on. Here’s the thing. We all get calls on the celly. That’s what they are for – your people need to get at you. ‘Nuff said. However this does not mean that you should be taking or placing calls whenever and wherever you want. Not everyone wants or needs to hear the details of your weekend, your wack date, your pending business dealings, your fight with your man or your mom or you on the phone with your bank. That’s why there is a button to silence and send them bitches to voicemail on the side of your phone. I cannot express to you in words the level of annoyance I experience when I am forced to overhear things like “And then he was all, ‘I swear I’ll be home by 9′, but he didn’t come home, like at all….CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?” while I am sitting on the bus. Or the innane “So what do you want for dinner? Chicken? Pasta? No, I hate meatloaf….hmmm, I sorta feel like fajitas too…Nah, we have milk” that goes down way more often than it needs too in the middle of isle 7 at the market. Sort that shit out BEFORE you get in the store. Also if you MUST make the call don’t do it standing in front of the freezers with the doors open and your cart all askew in the middle of the isle blocking traffic, you might as well be a stroller bitch. If one more person gives me that bullshitty point to the phone with that “oh darn sorry about that” look face and two centimeter half assed move of the cart, they are gonna get shanked right there in front of the frozen peas.

Flavor of Love:
This shit breaks my heart. You guys remember when PE was the dopest shit you ever heard and Flava Flav was like craziest hype man you ever saw and you didn’t know he smoked crack and fathered like 160 kids with various hoodrats from coast to coast? Man. I wish I could go back in time and replace that feeling with the feeling I currently have when I watch this piece of shit show. Surreal Life and Strange Love weren’t enough? Did we need Flavor of Love? It hurts me to watch dude play himself so blatantly. The bitches on the show are the only ones playing themselves harder than Flav. These hoes are caught on film saying all sorts of bullshit like, “He’s an intellectual and that’s my thing” or “He’s one of those people that is connected to a higher power. He’s inspirational” Bitch please. We know you just want bread and cred shine. Deep down I like to think Flav knows this shit is wack, but he’s like “lemme get some trim up outta this.” 2006 is the year of the hustle, so I can’t hate a player for attempting to get his. I know we all need paper and some tail. But fuck man, there has got to be a better way to go about it.

On a related note, one of the skanks, New York is fucking crazy. She’s up there in that video. She is really off her rocker, talking about how she is “in love” with Flav and how Flav is “her man.” She actually made out with Flav on camera for about 8 minutes. They were the grossest 8 minutes on television. And another thing, she’s always carrying a purse around. Why? She is on a reality TV show cooped up in a mansion with everything provided for her. No need for money or a wallet or keys or a cell phone (they took those away). Why the fuck does she need a purse? She ain’t going no where or doing shit without VH1 cameras. I want to know what the fuck is in that bag. It could be just full of make up cause that bitch really cakes it on. She bears a striking resemblance to Janice from Dr. Teeth’s band on the Muppets. I wish I had a better comparison pic but that video is all I could find — you be the judge. Post a pic of New York in the comments if you find one!
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New Bay Rap Shows:
Let me begin by saying I love me some turf raps. I really do. It’s a great time to live in the Bay. There is so much good music poppin’ off it’s retarded. I got out like a mutherfucker and support my scene , well I try to. The problem is fools don’t know how to act. Damn near every time I go out to a show in some cutty spot, shit gets broke up early cause someone gets stabbed or shot or punched or some sort of dumb shit happens that keeps the party from crackin’ properly. Why can’t we all just go dumb, get hyphy and ride the yellow bus safely? I just want to see some good rap music. Is that too much to ask? Additionally, I find it hi-lar-ious that most of the spots these shows are at demand, “No hats, no tennis shoes, no baggy jeans, no white tees.” What’s next “no stunnahs, no gold ones?” I understand the concept of encouraging an upscale audience as a means to deter violence, but let’s face it a thug in a collared shirt, is still a thug. That grown man fit ain’t stoppin’ no one from squabbin’. What we really need to do is learn how to control our damn tempers. Mistah F.A.B. has provided us with a little mantra that we should all take to heart and put on repeat prior to getting up in the club, “be cool, you don’ wan’ no squab….be cool, if you don’ wan’ no pro’lems” Learn it. Love it. Live it.


D4L Betcha Can’t Do It Like Me
I didn’t think it could get any worse than Laffy Taffy but evidently I am wrong. This is the worst song ever made. Ever. I know I have said that before but I fucking mean it this time. At least they named the song appropriately. I am absolutely positive that I can’t do it like D4L. In fact, I pride myself on never being able to do to it anywhere near how D4L do it. This song doesn’t even have a beat. I hear the guys “rapping” but I have no idea what the fuck they are talking about. It’s like listening to a group of insane homeless men ranting aloud on the corner while a cat and a toddler play tug of war with a Casio keyboard. For real, Wesley Willis on his most schizophrenic day made more sense lyrically than what’s happening here. I looked up the lyrics online and I am still confused. And I know rap music. I am well versed in the slang and vernacular. Honestly, I can’t even begin to wrap my head around how D4L got signed, released a record and are currently being supported on a major label. I’d give my left tit to be a fly on the wall during the initial A&R meeting and the meetings where they chose these singles. I haven’t heard the entire album but if these are the best of the bunch, you couldn’t pay me to listen to the rest of the record. I’m going to have to take it easier on BEP at least they know how to write a song (even if they are bad ones.)

That 2008 shit!

You know with a heater of a single like Popzao you have to have the ill album cover to show people you ain’t playin’ with this rap shit. A wack album cover will out you as just another buster. And we all know KFeds ain’t no buster. I’m so pumped to show you this cover submitted by the lovely folks at CTAM (thanks rellies) it’s on some 2008 shit for reals.

“Fuck Yo Couch” is over. “Play Donkey” is over. The new club chant is “No Diapers, Yo!” Mark my words. Mark my word.

Today’s regularly schedule hate has been superceded by work I actually get paid to do. Yeah, yeah it sucks but you know what? I don’t give a fuck. I got bills to pay and this hating shit don’t exactly break bread so every once in a while you are gonna get punked. Deal with it.

I’ll leave you with these two videos sent to me by my comrade in hatred Thug E Fresh. I’m pretty sure this sort of thing leads to the kind of shit Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs was into. And by “kind of shit” I mean kidnapping, beating and then havesting skin from the backs of innocent girls to be used in your “lady lumps suit”