Ladies and Gentleman It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday…
Pre-Thanksgiving Snacks: Every year I say this sentence to my mom, “All we need is a box of crackers, some cheese and some fruit, maybe some salami – nothing more, nothing less” Every year I show up and the fucking coffee table is overflowing with shit I did not ask for. Like 4 kinds of fucking cheese, assorted deli meats, fucking chips and dip, goddamned tamales, homemade chile, guacamole, dried and fresh fruit, veggies, lil smokies in bbq sauce and just about anything else snack wise you could possibly want to put in your mouth. My mom’s snack spread puts most Vegas buffets to shame. Some of you may be thinking “What the fuck is her problem, I like snacks…why doesn’t she like snacks” To answer your question – I’m cool with snacks. Too fucking cool. That’s the problem. I will eat the snacks and then when it comes time for dinner I am too full to eat the good shit. This year was no different. Look at this shit – this is only half of it.
My mom is a fucking maniac – every time a bowl would empty something new would arrive in it’s place. My living room would emit a collective sigh that sounded something like “Ughhhhhhhh…oooohhhhh, damn…..ughhhhh, mmmmmm – wait, when’s dinner?” By the time I had dinner on the table (It was 9pm – I had to wait as long as humanly possible so we could all make room) I was so fucking tired of eating. We had the most anti-climactic dinner ever. We all sat down, pushed food around on our plates and said things like “PASS THE WINE PLEASE” while my mom did her famous Mexican Mom Food Pusher routine on all of us. Shit like, “Did you try the potatoes?….How about the asparagas? The roast is delicious, did you try it? Have some more – we have plenty” No shit mom. We have plenty. Plenty is why my house is called The House of Fat. All living things that cross the threshold of my casa instantly get fat. Just try and hang out for 10 minutes with out my mom forcing some shit on you.
Bartenders with Flair: Look pal, I saw Cocktail and I wasn’t impressed then. What makes you think I am going to be impressed now? Seriously, just pour my drink. Don’t flip my straw into my glass. Don’t toss my lime wedge behind your back and over your shoulder. Don’t even hold the booze bottle abnormally high above my drink just to show me how accurately you can pour a shot. Just pour the fucking booze in a glass, put some ice in it, put some water in there or whatever and give it to me. Quickly. And cheaply.
which leads me to….
Salty Bartender: There is nothing better than having a friend behind the bar. I’m not cheap or anything (wait, yes I am). I just don’t see the logic in paying for booze when I can just charm the pants off the person serving it to me thus forcing them to give it to me for free or at a reduced rate. I mean, I drink. A lot. So do my pals. We are lazy and uninspired, so when we find somewhere with the booze and bartender we like, we post the fuck up. Hell we even tip and when the free drinks start coming we tip even more. So it’s not like they are loosing any dough by giving us the hook up. In fact, if they are smart they will pocket the tips and experience a little come up. See how that works? Anyhoo back to Salty Bartender. Since I am a girl, I am not afraid of using my lady charms to gain free drank faster. All it takes is some witty banter, a slight lean over the bar and a smile. Next thing you know FREE DRANK! However sometimes you get a bartender who doesn’t know his role and gets all personally caught up. He may start in with inappropriate hand touching or the lean over the bar hug. This often leads to the asking for the phone number so you can hang out when he is “not working”. The phone calls are easy to dodge but you must be careful. You don’t want to compromise your free drank by being rude. If he starts coming out from behind the bar for a hug you know you are really fucked – at one point you are going to have to let him know you only like him for his free drank. Once he realizes that you only want his free drank he might get salty and cut off yo’ free drank siting something retarded like “New Management” or “Bottle Measuring.” That is some bullshit right there. Don’t take that for shit – if this happens you should instantly call him out and say “Look, you only chargin’ me cause I ain’t feelin’ yo’ ponytail…” or some otherwise snide remark. Drink yo’ drank, gather your rellies and bounce the fuck out. It’s time for a new bartender.
Jaime Foxx: I said it before and I will say it again. YOU ARE NOT RAY CHARLES! This fool is really on some shit right now. He keeps breaking off hooks for fools too cheap to clear the real Ray (see Kanye, Ludacris, ect…) I don’t care if you did win an Oscar. If I have to hear him croon one more time like he’s fucking Ray Charles I’m going to fucking explode. Ya’ll need to get up on Bay Charles – on the real.
PLAYERS OF THE WEEK
This week goes to a faceless drunk (thanks to my crappy phone cam) I met at a shitty dive bar that I have been going to for-ever in San Jose. This dude was so wasted he could barely stand up and smoke or form sentences outside the bar, yet was able to articulate and order the most ridiculous drink order ever. Dude ordered this, “House merlot in a bucket glass with a Sutter Home Chardonnay split in the bottle” and here’s the amazing part – HE GOT SERVED! He stumbled away from the bar with tossing back his merlot like it was ginger ale while simulataneously twisting off the cap on the Sutter Home split. It was semi-inspirational.
50 Cent: Talk about being on some shit….your boy 50 is trippin hard these days. I’m not going to even talk about his recent Bush comments. You should click on the right over there under the links and see what Big Max has to say about it. He pretty much sums it up. What I will comment on is 50′s latest endeavor to create a vibrator based on his own penis. Yes. His own penis. I bet you Vincent Gallo is so pissed that he didn’t think of that first. Gallo is the only other dude I can think of that would even consider marketing something like that (I mean outside of porn stars) So ladies stay tuned we all may be able to purchase our very own “magic stick” in the very near future. What’s next in the wide wide world of hip hop marketing? Trina pocket pussies?
Coming soon – Fuckers We Love To Hate and Your Year in Hate aka Best of Hater Tuesday. Nominate your favorite HT posts by emailing me firstname.lastname@example.org