Archive for October, 2005

BEP “My Humps” On the real, this song is the last mutherfucking straw. I’m calling a hip-hop jihad on these bitches. This is the worst song ever recorded ever. I don’t know who told them that the hook, “My hump, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps” was a good idea but whomever that person is needs to be hunted down and flogged publicly. I mean seriously people “my lovely lady lumps” ??? Bitch, please. I am so down for a good booty song (“Donkey, donkey everywhere…”) but this is like some playground cutesy bullshit that needs and must be stopped. We can’t have little girls walking around referring to their tits and ass as their “lovely lady lumps” I shoulda went down to Monster Park on Saturday and grabbed wack ass Fergie by that raggedy weaved in pony tail and beat her ass till she peed herself (again) for singing that crap. It just ain’t right. Not one little bit. I’m not even gonna waste time talking about how incredibly wack her “rapping” is or the blatant recycled Latin Freestyle sounds they are trying to sport as “original” these days. Young Jeezy might finally start getting a break from me now that I have this bullshit to contend with. Ya smell me?

Fixed Gear Bike Nerds – If you don’t live in an urban city like SF or NY you may be saying to yourself, “What the fuck is that?” and for that I am jealous. Unlike you lucky bucks, I am forced to deal with these arrogant fuckers all the damn time. Everywhere you look in this fucking city there is some jack-off on a fixed gear bike careening around a corner with his no brake having ass. It’s like,okay, okay I fucking get it. You have no breaks on your bike. You are so fucking hard. I see you with your goddamned one pant leg rolled up because you can’t be bothered with a fucking chain guard…no not you, Mr./Miss “I’m not a bike messenger – its about having total control of your bike” Bullshit. Get some damned breaks already. Your stupid ass is gonna get creamed and I am not going to feel sorry for you. I hope you have to get stitches and you end up on a damned razor scooter.

NYC Subway T Shirts – Sure the subway is cool. It’s fucking efficient and helps thousands of people get from one place to another on a daily basis – but does it need a T shirt? I think not. The most annoying thing is that I’d say about 95% of the people wearing those shirts are not even from NY. Maybe they went to NY once and rode the subway a handful of times – but do you really think they took the A or B deep into Brooklyn? Or the or the F out into Queens or the fucking 6 way to to the Bronx and the service was so awesome they decided to show pride by purchasing a T shirt? I think not. Also I am fairly certain that they have never stood on the platform waiting for the fucking train to come when its 99% humidity and it smells like assholes and dick cheese. Don’t misunderstand me – I am in no way a New Yorker – Im a Cali girl through and through but I have been to NY and used the subway and I’ve never, ever loved it so much that I felt the need to rock a T shirt. Just saying.

Exotic Erotic Ball
I think the wackness of this event is best explained via a pie graph.
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Player(s)of the Week

The Bay Area is on some shit. For Real. Rappers in the East Bay are cut from a very special cloth that cannot be found anywhere else. That’s what makes the sounds of the Bay so damn live. Me and my Gurp City rap posse went to check out Federation at the SF Weekly Music Awards last week and were treated to the most hyphy ten minutes of our lives. If you ever have an opportunity to see Federation fucking do it. Don’t crip walk, go dumb and run onto the yellow bus as fast as you can. When you get there I can only hope that you are fortunate enough to see them rock gear like this – Doonie Baby, Goldie Gold, Mr. Stres and Rick Rock are my new rap heros. I mean seriously who the fuck do you know rocks a soft padded rugby helmet AND a bullet proof vest? We call the helmet the “Go Dumb Helmet” cause when Goldie Gold put it on this kid in the crowd he instantly went “dumb” his arms started buggin’ out and flayling all over the place. It was fucking magic. And the “I Got Grapes” shirt? Man, oh man. When I saw that thing I couldn’t help myself. I just started yelling “I GOT GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPES” as loud as I could. It became a mantra that I HAD to chant. That shirt is so obnoxious – it really can’t be fucked with. The only way it could get better is if it was airbrushed – but even so, I am not sure it could fuck with what Mr. Stres is rocking here. I am on a hunt for this shirt. If you see one, cop it and send it my way.
Big ups to Rez for providing the screen caps…if you want to catch some video of the most hyphy shit ever – click on the link over there that says LowRezPollution or click here you lazy fuck.
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“Gay? Me?”
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“No way? I’m serious. Didn’t you see my videos with the hot chicks? I’m so straight.”
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“Okay that’s it you little rascal. I mean it. I will fight you…now take off your shirt!”
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“Dah-ling….hold my hand vill you…I can barely stand, dah-ling. Can you see my wagina in dis dress? Can you dah-ling? Can you? My stylist promised me you could. I must vind another lover quickly…quickly dah-ling…Things are drying up down there….Your breasts dah-ling, are gorgeous…can I take you to Dr. Lipshovitz dah-ling? I vant to show him your breasts.”

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Daktoa Fanning
Take a close look people..this is the future of hollywood. If we all keep cooing and cawing about how “talented” and cute she is it’s only going to get worse. She’s evil I say….look at that fucking terrifying grin. She’s stealing our souls as we speak. She must be stopped. Look at her fucking outfit! If we keep letting shit like this slide we only have ourselves to blame – fishnets, cowboy boots, prarie dress AND a cropped sweater? Bitch please…you are no Misha Barton, not even Ashley or Mary Kate.

Tara, how I love the — The Good – “Um hi, I just got here, let me fix my bag and then you can take my picture okay…I don’t want to lose my purse….AGAIN!”
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The Bad – “Wait didn’t you take my picture already? Shit….my publicist told me to watch out for this trap”
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The Ugly – “What a minute…there’s no coke here! That’s a mean trick…I’m telling Paris”
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Player of the Week:
Sylvester Stallone – Rocky 6!

According to IMDB Movie News, Access Hollwood , ET and other very reputable entertainment news services Rocky 6 will begin filming this winter!
IMDB says, “Rocky is planning to make a comeback after 15 years in retirement. Sony, MGM, and Revolution studios announced Monday that they are working with Sylvester Stallone on a sixth Rocky movie that the actor will write and star in. They said they are planning to release he film next year, thirty years after the premiere of the original Rocky.” The story will be similiar to the previous Rocky films. Our beloved Rocky finds himself lonely and out of shape yet yearning for the thrill of the fight and the padding of his wallet….not unlike Stallone himself. I found this choice quote over at Hollywood‘Rocky Balboa’ is about everybody who feels they want to participate in the race of life, rather than be a bystander,” Stallone said in a statement. “You’re never too old to climb a mountain, if that’s your desire.”

Fuck me if that’s not inspirational. I’m ready, bring the heat Stallone…bring the heat.


Larrys and Merles It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday!

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Razor Scooters: Look at these mutherfuckers right here. Did they not get the memo? Have they been frozen in ice since the decline of the dot com era? That’s the only excuse they have for riding these shits around. I’ve been seeing more and more grown ass people riding Razor scooters around town again. I don’t fucking get it. There is nothing cool about them. You are not going any faster by pushing yourself along on a damned foot scooter. What you are saying is “I’m lazy and I’m not that smart” Don’t people realize that? Next time I see someone on a scooter I’m going to throw a marble into the street and watch those fuckers crash and burn.

Hangovers:Are they really necessary? Isn’t there some sort of loophole I can get in on? I’ve been drinking for a long time now – isn’t there senority? Sure hangovers help underaged drinkers realize booze ain’t for them, but what about me? I mean if I can drink, get drunk, not vomit, not wobble (too much), not get arrested or generally fuck shit up, haven’t I earned the right to wake up with out throbbing pain in my head, raisins for eyeballs and my everything hurting? Haven’t I? Who’s a girl gotta blow to get around this hangover thing?

All My Shoes With the exception of my Slayer Vans and my green open toed Franco Sartos with the flowers on the toe, I’m not feeling any of my shoes anymore. Once upon a time my shoe collection was mighty and foxiness reigned supreme. These days I’m rocking beat up Pro-Keds and fucking flip-flops. What the fuck? I need to get my game straight. Can I get a toot, toot? Can I get a beep, beep?

Fleet Week Airshow I should have known better than to attend an event where the name rhymes. Somehow I did not process the whole “America, Fuck Yeah” factor that would be prevalent at the air show. I was just thinking, “Sure I’ll sit in the grass and watch planes barrel around in the sky. That sounds cool” As soon as I arrived and saw kids waiting in line with their parents for their chance to climb into a tank, I knew it was a bad decision. Not only were the kids in the tank they were being held up in the turret by a young army dude who would spin them around while they pretended to man the machine gun that was affixed there. Proud parents were snapping photos and smiling not realizing the irony of the situation. It made me want to vomit. In addition to blatant military propaganda, the worst announcer ever who incidentally sounded just like fucking Duff Man from the Simpsons, was constantly droning on about all kinds of dumb shit like, “YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS 13 MINUTES OF THE MOST AWESOME AERIAL ACROBATICS IN EXTREME AIR SHOW HISTORY” Then there was the music – the theme to Top Gun (of course), Eye of The Tiger, some Steve Miller Band and a loot of other stock cheese that made my head ache and writhe about in my skull. Fuck a air show. That’s what I say.

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Fucked Up Random Fashion: Can someone please tell me what the fuck this is? What’s going on here? Is looking like Dumb Donald from Fat Albert seriously a fashion statement? Is this yet another retarded foray into specially designed clothing for graph writers? My coworker says its :
“so that no one would know our true identity when we start dominating the world of Mexican wrestling. Your codename: Villa Real.”
While that is a great explanation, and lord knows I will suplex a fool in a hot second, it does not make it okay for clothing like this to exist.

Motomusic Commercial You’ve seen this shit. It’s Madonna in a phone booth and then Questlove and Iggy Pop and a whole load of other musical “greats” jam themselves into the tiny phonebooth. The last scene is Madonna yelling “Biggie, NO!” and we see the back of what is supposed to be B.I.G and he mumbles, “And another one…” This shit pisses me off every-time I see it. First off, B.I.G. is dead so technically he’s a ghost and he isn’t going to take up any space. Secondly, it’s mutherfucking B.I.G dude, if Biggie wants in that phone booth you best make room or he will smash fools. And fuck Madonna or Esther or whatever her name is. I hope she gets the penis from the Kabbala people for dedicating a song to one of the higher ups – that’s what you get, you uppity greedy ho.

Tom & Katie Holmes Pregnancy

So who’s do you think it really is? Do you think they Scientologists inseminated her? I do.

Player of the Week:
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Aaron Carter
Yeah, playboy….you looking good! Your homies are tiiiiight. Man, how can I get up on some of those fresh fits? Is that some Gucci shit mayne? And your girl is hella fly….dayyyyyyyum. Where did you meet her? You up on some Hugh Grant shit now? I wish I could roll with a crew like that. I only got one little suggestion though dude, next time wipe the thizz juice off your chin before you pose for pics. look like you are straight foaming at the mouth.
Tell your boy Nick, I said “What’s good!”