Archive for July, 2005

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So I got scooped on these lovlies by both The Superficial and A Socialite’s Life but you know I cannot pass up gold like this.

Some things to ponder…

1. Is it me or is Tara’s ass just as square and bumpy as her tits? They are almost interchangeable.
2. I love that her handler is trying to keep her clothes on once again as she out skanks Paris with showing everyone the goods not once, not twice but thrice in one night.
3. “You guuuuuuuuys my shoooooooooooooo is brooooooke…..waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait”
4. What kind of friend doesn’t give her homegirl a heads up about her full snatch shot?


Benihana – Plain and simple it blows. Lots. Benihana has got to be the shittiest food I have ever tasted. The service is even shittier. Now, I have never been to Japan, but I am fairly certain that there is no such thing as an “onion volcano” or any sort of food tossing that happens there. I am also quite confident that food is not prepared with mysterious goo that is presumably partially hydrogenated margarine being sold as “butter” Which just brings me back to my first point, who knew Japanese food had so much butter? Isn’t it the French who love the butter so much?

Anyhoo, I went to Benihana last night for a friends birthday. According to Benihana’s website, “Guests at the communal tables would place their orders with the chef and watch in amazement as these items were sliced and diced, and flipped into the air. The timing in cooking was critical. These different ingredients had to be ready to serve onto the guests’ plates simultaneously.” The combination of “fine Japanese cuisine” and the showmanship of the chefs creates a unique experience that is described as “eatertainment”

None of this happened at my table last night. In fact our chef (and I use this term lightly) Antonio* was the worst “eatertainer” ever. Dude dropped his utensils about 3 times during his “warm up”. He then proceeded to miss his hat like 2 times while attempting to toss shrimp tails in there. As the night progressed it got worse. Not only was the food ill timed it was just not fun. No eatertainment really. His performance was so lack luster I had to remind the folks at the table who had all never been to Benihana that the dude was cooking their meals all fancy like. Poor Antonio was just miserable – he didn’t even give us the light show for his lopsided onion volcano. He also forgot to throw food at us. Not that I like to have food thrown at me but I mean if you pay $25 bucks for pre frozen shrimp and scallops – someone better do something pretty fucking fancy. I ordered sushi – it was abysmal.

Myspace Creepers – Yes I have a myspace acct. Why? I don’t know. Someone asked me to join. I stupidly said yes. I never really understood Friendster and yet I still joined myspace. I think I like myspace better but I dunno really. One thing I do know I don’t like is all the fucking creepy lurkers. I get weirdo horny messages from randoms sometimes. Today I got a message from some yahoo in Germany that read – “Hey Cutie – I just wanted to tell you I really like your pics and your profile Cya — ” I click on dude’s profile so I can see who the fuck this fool is. How about how dude has pics with him and his wife on there? He also has a really, really horrible picture of him next to a pool wearing some tiny ass Euro nut huggers and the caption reads “Guess I added some pounds on since this time” Man, it’s a gem. I’d post it here but I don’t want to call dude out and start a German e-war. Anyhoo point is…I don’t know what the point was…I guess it was that myspace is confusing to me and random horny messages from Germans creep me out.

Lance Armstrong – Okay, okay we get it. You have one ball. You ride a bike, really fast. You’re fucking Sheryl Crow, You’re a fucking survivor! Whooootie…woot. I bet it’s easier to sit comfortably and ride long distances on a tiny ass bike seat when you have one less nut in the way. You want a medal or a trophy? Oh wait, you have seven.

Player of the Week –
Paris Hiton
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“OMG why didn’t I think of this sooner! I should have traded in bitchface Lindsay and stupid-ass Nicole ages ago. The ugly girls are sooooo much better to hang out with. Everyone is looking at me! Paris you are soo smart.”

Honorary Player of the Week –

Them Kids With The Blades

If only I had a photo to show you. It was just one of those things you had to see. On our walk to Whole Foods today, my coworker and I saw the most amazing thing ever. Two boys sharing one pair of roller blades. Yes, one pair. How? Well they each had one skate on and they were pushing off with the one foot that did not have a skate, sort of like riding a skate board. The impressive part was that they were cooking with gas – I mean really moving. For a second, I did not realize they were only using one skate. It was impressive, most impressive. It changed my mind about the wackness of roller blades – wait, no it didn’t. Roller blades are still wack, but man I just had to give it up to those kids. That’s some baller shit right there.

*I find it hilarious that at every table the chef was of Latin American decent.

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    I never realized just how many white people love Beck until last night about half-way through his set at Bill Graham Civic Center. I looked around and noticed I was the only brown person for miles – actually there was another brown person next to me, we came together so he doesn’t count – like I was saying, white people LOVE Beck. Don’t get me wrong I love me some white people – you are all great. Really. It’s just funny to witness 7000 of the worst dancers you’ve ever seen all writhing and flailing arms akimbo at the same time. It was a sight to behold. I thought of a new slogan for Beck too – Beck – Where White People Come To Dance.

    Another thing about Beck that has been bothering me is his appropriation of Mexican-American culture. I can’t figure out if he is trying to pay homage to a culture he respects and loves or if he finds it kitschy and entertaining. It concerns me because while I’d like to think Beck is coming from a good place I am not sure if all his fans understand the difference.

    For some reason, lots of hipster types love traditional Mexican – American imagery and iconography like La Virgin de Guadalupe, Luchadores, the Sacred Heart, Dia de los Muertos and the list goes on. Looking around the Bill Graham I found myself becoming irritated by the sheer number of people murdering the Spanish language yelling things like “Que Onda” – there were even kids wearing cheesy paste on mustaches. I could not help but be offended a little bit.

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    Totally Awesome Bros Who Yell “Woooooooooooooo Hooooooooooooooooooo”

    We all get excited from time to time. When we are excited we tend to do or say things to exhibit said excitement. Everyone has their own specific move. Some people say, “YESSSSSSS!” while doing that inward arm closed fist jab thing. Some people just smile and mutter, “Cool”. Others (and these are the people I can’t stand) make big annoying gestures with their arms and yell as loud as fucking possible “FFFFFUCKK YEAH, WHOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO.” They point their faces towards the sky and shout until they are red in the face and the breath in their lungs escapes them completely. The horrible part is it always spawns another person to do it as well. Sometimes if you are really unlucky the two or three dill-holes will then commence with the yelling equivalent of a pissing match. When I see and hear these people, I secretly wish that God would make with the fucking wrath and throw down some ‘lectric lighting bolts and make ‘em sizzle. That would rule. Hard.

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    Natasha Bedingfield “These Words”
    This video and song is currently haunting me. It’s on every morning when I wake up and then it gets stuck in my head until I hear something else. Watch out Nelly Furtado (on second thought what ever happened to her?) Natasha is coming for your peeps. This is totally going to be this year’s “I’m Like A Bird” pop hit. It’s so fucking catchy, sugar sweet and just funky enough to be a guilty pleasure. I fear it may become mine. Don’t let it happen to you. If you see the video change the channel – quick. Don’t let her blonde hair, sparkly eyes and those cute little boom boxes seduce you.

    Bay Bridge Toll Going Up
    I understand we gotta pay for renovations some how but shiiit, 4 bucks is steep. As reader Thug E. Fresh said, “That’s a 40 and a blunt wrap!”

    Player of the Week –
    It’s been a long time girl. We’ve missed you…no, fuck “we” – I’ve missed you.
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    You know it’s bad when you have to be led by not one, but two brainless wonders named Paris in order to reach your destination safely. Let’s hope Tara made it home okay.