Archive for June, 2005


LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT’S MUTHERFUCKING HATER TUEDAY

The Kanye Edition.

Kanye West - Diamonds Are Forever: I’d like to slap Kanye with my sandal. Hopefully I’d re-break his jaw permanently and then we wouldn’t have to listen to him rap anymore. Yes. I said it. Kanye can’t rap. Sure he can rap – but not well. Also he has no business writing lyrics anymore – he can’t keep his style straight. Is he bling, bling, big baller, shot caller, pastel Polo rockin, Louis Vuitton Don or is he a conscious educated rapper brining the atrocities of the world to light for all the young kids tryin to make their way in the world today?

Soon enough you will all have seen Kanye’s latest epic – Diamonds Are Forever and you will be able to follow my logic. I tried to find a link online to the video but no such luck as of yet. It just premiered June 20 so in a week or so that shit should be spinning nonstop on TRL. I should get my one and only compliment for this song out of the way so I can continue with the hate-age. The beat is nice. He’s finally stepped away from the sped-up chorus and has embraced his epic roots of big powerful samples – although the vocal sample is still a bit predictable. He must have paid through the nose to use Shirley Bassey’s James Bond hook.

Back to hating.. Evidently someone just told Kanye that the diamond industry is completely fucked and corrupt – the situation is rough all over but specifically in Sierra Leone shit is real, real bad and has been for years. If you didn’t know Sierra Leone is in Africa and Kanye is down for the people so he has written this song to expose the atrocities going down over there in the Motherland. (sarcasm implied)

The song is so fucking rife with contradictions it’s almost impossible to point them all out. There are two versions of this song…the original and of course the remix. For starters, peep the lyrics to the original which is the version the video is cut to here My comments are all based on the original version…my comments on the remix are purely speculative since I have not heard it or gained access to the lyrical content as of yet.

The video opens with some bull-shitty intro that outlines the “situation” in Sierra Leone. Kanye then kicks immediately into the hook which asks listeners to “Throw your diamonds in the sky if you feel the vibe” about two seconds later he references “the Roc” while simultaneously holding up the “Roc” symbol of a diamond with his hands….I thought this was about Sierra Leone… evidently it’s about Rocafella (check out the lyrics – ol’ Kanye seems to think he is going to take Jay-Z’s place…umm yah, no – more on this later) Okay go on.

The video continues following Kanye through some random European country on some sort of journey to escape children with blood in their eyes. The children are aggressively hunting folks wearing diamonds and some of the bloody eyed kids are chasing Kanye. We see images of women being presented diamond rings which immediately upon being placed on a finger unleash some sort of mysterious black oozy creature that consumes the wearer’s hands, arms, body ect. These images are intermingled with standard performance pieces by Kanye in a Baroque church, more random European streets and other spots that make little to no sense in regards to the lyrics. I am still waiting for more info on how diamonds are bad.

As the song progresses it becomes even less clear what Kanye is trying to achieve. The lyrics take a predictable autobiographical turn where he continues to pound us with useless details about how hard he worked to get where he is. Still waiting for the diamond lesson, all I got thus far is that Kanye is dope according to Kanye and lord when will we all give him his due?

Towards the end of the video one of the creepy kids with bloody ooze in their eyes almost gets at Kanye but we have learned literally nothing about why the kids have bloody ooze in their eyes and why people are turing into the blob after they put diamonds on. Kanye of course escapes the creepy kid with his big ass Jesus chain intact. Now I am livid.

Why does Kanye think it’s okay to be so fucking random in his lyrical content? Why? Does he think I’m stupid? Does he think you’re stupid? As far as I can tell Kanye likes to be flossy and could give two shits if a baby in Sierra Leone had to be scalped and stretched as long as his wallet is properly stamped with the VL logo.

In case you are not familiar with Kanye here are some gems from his collection of work:

1. Kanye brags and boast openly about being a rich and well dressed man. He prances around in thousands of dollars worth of Polo and Vuitton gear and even wears an obnoxious diamond studded Jesus chain – which he boasted about in his second single All Falls Down saying:

“Drug dealer buy Jordans/crackhead buy crack
And a white man get paid off of all of that/
But I ain’t even gon act holier than thou/
Cause fuck it, I went to Jacob with 25 thou/
Before I had a house and I’d do it again
Cause I wanna be on 106 and Park pushing a Benz
I wanna act ballerific like it’s all terrific”

2. In Diamonds are Forever we hear him say:

“Grammy night, damn right, we got dressed up
Bottle after bottle till we got messed up
In the studio, where really though, yea he next up
People askin’ me if I’m gon’ give my chain back
That’ll be the day I give the game”

Um, I thought this song was about the atrocities that occurred in Sierra Leone….yet you still don’t want to give back your 25K Jacob chain? Don’t even make me bring up the Roc chain that you got laced with upon signing to Roc-a-Fella. Negro please.

According to Vibe the Remix is supposed to be where Kanye comes with some real “knowledge” and kicks some serious lyrics to think about. I encourage you all to click and read the article. Here are the lyrics they point out as moving:

“See a part of me’s sayin’ keep shinin’/ How, when I know what a blood diamond is? / Though it’s thousands of miles away, Sierra Leone connect to what we go through today / Over here it’s the drug trade, we die from drugs. Over there, they die from what we buy from drugs / The Diamonds. The chains, the bracelets, the charms is / I thought my Jesus piece was so harmless till I seen a picture of a shorty armless, and here’s the conflict / It’s in the black person’s soul to rock that gold. Spend your whole life tryin’ to get that ice / On a polo rugby you look so nice, how could something wrong make me feel so right.”

Wow – It’s in a black person’s soul to rock that gold? Really?

3. Then there is the Jesus talk – Kanye loves Jesus. He wrote a song about too…cause the rest of us heathens need to get with God if we want to become successful. Here’s some of Jesus Walks for you to ponder:

Jesus Walks:
Now hear thee hear thee, wanna see thee more clearly
I know he hear me when my feet get weary
Cuz were thee almost nearly extinct
We rappers is role models, we rap we dont think
I aint here to argue about his facial features
Or here to convert atheists into believers
Im just tryna say the way school need teachers
The Way Kathy Lee needed Regis…thats the way i need Jesus.
So here go my single dawg, radio needs this
They said they could rap about anything except for jesus
That means guns, sex, lies, videotape
But if I talk about God my record wont get played, huh?
Well if this take away from my spinz…which will prolly take away my endz..
Then i hope it take away from my sinz and bring the day that im dreamin bout…
Next time im in the club, erybody screaming out…

You are right Kanye you do rap but you do not think.

4. While we are talking about Jesus lets talk about all the un-Godly things Kanye talks about in his other songs. Take for example Work-Out Plan which is a song soley about female bodies and how unless you are keeping it tight and right you will never get a man who is paid to pay for your shit.

“1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and get them sit ups right and
Tuck your tummy tight and do your crunches like this
Give head, stop breathe, get up, check your weave
Don’t drop the blunt and disrespect the weed
Pick up your son and don’t disrespect your seed
It’s a party tonight and ooh she’s so excited
Tell me who’s invited: you, your friends and my dick
What’s scary to me is Henny makes girls look like Halle Berry to me
So excuse me miss, I forgot your name
Thank you, God bless you, good night I came..
I came…
I came… “

Kanye what would Jesus say about this? I am sure he is happy that you, um, came, but I don’t think you are married. Isn’t that against Jesus? Did he say disrespect the weed? Again WWJD?

Or how about this from Diamonds:

“Close your eyes and imagine, feel the magic
Vegas on acid seen through these Yves St. Lauren glasses”

As far as I know Jesus is not down for acid taking and certainly not in the City of Sin.

Then there is this from “Slow Jamz” -

“I’ll bring the cool whip, then I want you to strip
See you is my new chick, so we get our grind on
She be grabbin me, callin me +Biggie+ like +Shyne+ home
Man I swear she fine homes, why she always lyin though?
Tellin me them diamonds, when she know they rhinestones”

Diamonds you say? She sounds like a keeper I mean she wears rhinestones. She’s keeping African babies alive and sacrificing her own soulful instincts as a black woman after all.

I think you feel me here people. I could seriously go on and on and on but we don’t have that kind of time. I officially fucking hate Kanye West. I will be boycotting his new release and any subsequent release that contains him rapping. I reserved the right to purchase something with beats manufactured by him as long as his voice appears no where on the track. Until he gets over himself. I am over him.

I have sacrificed my rants on Destiny Child’s new single “Cater 2 U” and Lindsay Lohan 2.0 – the video star, so that I could flesh this one out. They will appear this week sometime under “It’s Not Tuesday But I’ll Hate If I Want To”

As of now the comments are disabled so that we can find a way to keep them from getting spammed. You are welcome to email comments, praise, hate of your own and other correspondence to lydia@hatertuesday.com.
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I hope you like the new space and I promise lots of exciting things.

That’s right bitches

Yes, yes ya’ll it’s here. It’s here. Hater Tuesday is alive and well. I am poised for hating and prepared to bring snarky comments directly to your screen every Tuesday. It’s gonna be a little crazy at first as I explore the new tempate and all the powerful tools that I have at my fingertips.

Eventually I will be expanding and allowing for more interaction but as of now I am the Queen Hater and ya’ll can suck it if you don’t like it. Comments will be active once we get them all worked out – my web genius says that too many mark ass buster try to perp on comments so we are attempting to avoid that sort of baloney.

Stay Tuned For Hate -
Funkybitch

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT’S HATER TUESDAY

Put this hate in your pipe and smoke it…
The self-loathing and a lessoned learned edition.

Nazi Nightclubs
I have never, ever, ever been kicked out of a nightclub before. Ever. Last week I got escorted/kicked out of a nightclub during a hip-hop show because I was smoking pot. Yes I know smoking weed is illegal. However, in a small as nightclub where loads of other people are smoking pot all around you and there is a fog machine going non stop it seems a little ridiculous to start kicking people out for passing the douchey on the left hand side. If you are going to kick someone out you should also think about being a tad nice until you have a reason to be mean. Some A-hole with a mohawk approached my friend and I and abrubtly yelled at us, “ALL RIGHT LET’S GO…YOU’RE GONE!” We responded with confused looks and a resounding “WHAAAA?” but we cooperated (We didn’t want to cause a scene and fuck up other people’s time) Mohawky walked us outside and attempted to keep his hand on my shoulder the whole time like I was gonna run or something. I removed his hand from my shoulder and asked him not to touch me as it was completely unnecessary. When we got outside I attempted to speak with him about the situation and he barked, “GO DOWN TO THE CORNER AND DON’T COME BACK!” he didn’t even attempt to warn us or tell us why he was bent or take anything away from us (we were smoking a joint that had long been extinguished when he came and kicked us out) I got super pissed and yelled “You’re an asshole and I certainly will not be coming back. Ever” We then walked away and went back to my house. I was livid. I hate Assholes. Why be a dick when you can be civil and get just as much done? Why? Don’t be a dick.

Curiosity Curiosity killed the cat. That’s the saying right? Normally I am not a nosy person. In fact I pride myself on being non-judgmental and generally laid back when it comes to people’s lifestyles, habits, likes, dislikes ect. I never ever look into people’s medicine cabinets or snoop around because I wouldn’t want anyone to do something like that to me. I am an honest person so I’d prefer that you just ask me what it is that is making you curious and I can tell you or tell you to fuck off. Simple as that. Well, for some odd reason this past weekend I was struck with a curious moment and happened to be accompanied by another curious party…that is a bad combination. We were getting ice from a friends freezer when we came across a hair in the freezer. The person who’s home we were at has dogs. Dogs have hair. Sometimes hair gets in the darndest places. Its no biggie really. I have a cat, her hair is everywhere. There is probably hair in my freezer right now. Anyhoo…I mentioned to the person I was with while we were looking in the freezer and discussing the hair, that I have always been fascinated by the contents of freezers. People freeze the most random shit. My mom freezes shit like bacon grease and ham bones and random bits of left over soup that never get eaten. So I pointed to a jar in the freezer door and I said “Like that…I have always wondered what that is…it’s probably bacon grease or beans or some shit but for some reason I have always wondered what it is” My companion (also it should be noted that we were both tipsy and not using the best of judgment) looked at me and said, “Let’s find out” I shrugged, grabbed the jar and handed it to her. She walked over to the sink and started rinsing off the ice on the outside and immediately started making a puzzled face. The her eyes got really, really, really wide. She thrust the jar into my face and shouted – “ITS FUCKING MICE!” Then she started fucking with the jar like she was going to open it. She kept taunting me with the jar and shaking it around in disbelief, thrusting it at me to look closer. This made me scream like a little girl. Loud. Real Loud. I should also mention that there was a party going on – so our collective screaming caused a semi-scene and alerted the owner of the house and the freezer and the jar of mice to come into the kitchen to find us nosy bitches with jar of mice in hand. I was so embarrassed. So embarrassed. We got we deserved. Don’t be nosy. It’s rude.

Anixiety Is there anything worse than the overwhelming sense of anxiety? I think not. If you have ever had a panic/anxiety attack you will most certainly be nodding your head in agreement whist you read this. If you have not you will most likely be saying something like – are those real or just stupid excuses for people who can’t deal with life. Whatever your experience let me commiserate or just tell you that they suck. Bad. It is the most harrowing experience ever and if you are a control freak like me it is devastating. Anxiety is a cunt face. I am her bitch. Don’t be her bitch.

Bank Of America You’re nothin’ but a itty bitty little girl to me. I hate you. Watch me take my account to Wells Fargo or some other evil mega-corporate money watcher. You are a bitch ass bitch.

Player(s) of the Week:
My best bud Lolly and her husband Ed

These bitches keep it real. Really real…but not when “Keeping It Real Goes Bad” Real. Just Really Real. They have me over for dinner, get me drunk and stoned and then let me crash out and snore on thier spare couch. Then they wake me up and make me delicious breakfast, coffee and let me watch TV all day in their living room. They even pick me up from the BART station and everything. They came up with the best hook ever this week. “You ain’t nothin’ but a little itty bitty girl to me……an itty bitty girl to me” We all make up sweet hooks for R&B songs we have never written. I am starting to think an audio log of all the sweet hooks needs to be created and archived for our future children. By “our future children” I mean Ed and Lolly’s kids. I will just borrow them on weekends and then give them back. Our children will be the most beautiful children of all because they will be singing along the words to Graham Parsons and Misfits by the time they are 4 or 5. They will also be well versed in regional Bay Area slang as well as understanding the correct usage of words like “Louche” and “Irascible”

Jessica Simpson

I have to give it up to Jessica Simpson yet again for proving she ain’t no dummy. Way to get naked, shake your tits and still capture the heart of America. I can’t wait for the “Boots” video to get on TRL and have Soccer Moms everywhere freaking out because their wholesome, down-home girl is damn near booty ass nekkid on their TV givin their 10 yr old boys their first Christian hard-ons. I can hear it now, “STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVEN! WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING….OOOOOOOOOOOOOH MY GOODNESS…DAVID, GET IN HERE AND SEE WHAT YOUR SON IS WATCHING….I’M CALLING COMCAST….I THOUGHT WE HAD A V-CHIP…..COVER YOUR EYES STEVEN….I SAID COVER YOUR EYES”