Archive for April, 2005


Sheeeeeeeee’s baaaaaaaaaaack! Finally. Good lord, have I been waiting for some photos like these of my favorite woman to hate…miss Tara Reid. Eaaaasy there Tara, watch the step…waaaaatch it. Check out the load-i-tude of Miss Reid. Another thing, as we know Miss Reid is not afraid to wear the same thing twice. and if I am not trippin I do believe she wore this very outfit sans black shirt to the premiere of her “movie” back in December. I love it when I catch celebs wearing the same thing over again, especially when they have been photographed wearing it before. So tacky. But then again, Alone In The Dark didn’t exactly rake in the big bucks, so maybe she has to cut some corners on her clothing budget.

Um Fergie, yeah, the Olsen twins called and they really want their sunglasses back. Another thing, Dontella Versace called and she wants her skin back.

Hilary, Hilary, Hilary…what is going on? Come over here and sit on mama’s lap. Remember when I told you not to worry about what that skank Lindsay was doing? I know, I know she stole your boyfriend. But where’s Aaron Carter now, no where. He and Nick are crying into a big jar of hair gel right now. Don’t you worry about them. Your a star. America’s sweetheart.

Don’t you know that? Do you remember that little talk we had about paving your own way and not worrying about Ashlee or Avril? Remember? THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WALTZING AROUND TOWN WITH THIS TOOL? Yes, I know Avril is dating the guy from Sum 41. Honey I hate to say it but she’s selling more records because she’s a little better than you are, not because she dates poser punk rock stars.

You still have that wholesome girl next door thing going on or you did. But now, now, your risking it all for what? A walk down Robertson with Joel Madden of Good Charolette? This asshole is 26, honey your only 17. This whole thing is a little too in Lindsay’s shadow for me, I thought you were better than this HIlary. You should be dating somebody like that clean cut kid from Summerland, what’s his name Jesse McSomething yeah him or maybe someone with a bit more edge like…um…um…I dunno Frankie Muniz? I know his voice is weird but at least he is not too old for you and certainly won’t give you diseases. You know about those right?

At least you have him holding your purse, that’s a good start for keeping him in check. The purse itself however is not a good choice. White? A white bag, with black shoes, black jacket, pink skirt and white top? Please. This look is actually a good segue for what something else I wanted to talk to you about. Yes your look. I am concerned. You are a walking Hollywood cliche in these photos. I am so disappointed. I thought you were better than this, honey. I thought you were better.
Tiny Dog in fancy clothes – Check
Oversized Chanel Sunglasses – Check
Boy-beater – hopefully with ironic statement – Check
Short ass skirt, so much so we can see the pockets – Check
Black whore-ish boots – Check
Tacky purse – Check
Bitch-face- Check
Bling-Blaaang Joseph the Jewler watch – Check
Bad Veneers? – Ch-ch-check.

(Can I get a co-sign on the veneers? Is it just me or does her mouth look like it’s sportin’ a few extra teeth and or her gramma’s dentures?)


Black Eyed Peas – It is no secret that I am not a BEP fan. They have turned up in the HT pages more than a few times. They make the list again this week for thier craptastic new song “Don’t Phunk With My Heart”. I hate this song for two main reasons.

Reason 1. The spelling and use of the word Phunk.
I hate word play. It’s cute or whatever, but I hate it. Just say, don’t FUCK with my heart. Or choose another hook. It’s that easy. If you are afraid that Christian moms and dad’s don’t want their children singing along with a bad word, don’t use one that sounds like a bad word. When I was about 7, I started saying “fudgeit” in place of my preferred, “fuckit”. My penchant for profanity started at a young age, by seven I had already been given detention a few times for using the “f” word and calling older girls “bitches”. I had to find replacement words so that I could keep myself out of the nunnery. I said “fudgeit” when attempting to exit my mom’s car on my way to school one morning (a catholic private school mind you). I think I got my skirt caught on my bag or something. All of the sudden my mom’s hand shot out of no where and grabbed me by the pigtail. She pulled my ear close and started whispering in the scariest whisper ever, the kind only Catholic Mexican moms can do, “you better watch your mouth, we are at a church and i WILL not have my daughter speaking like that” She then let go and handed my my lunch box, smiled and waved as if nothing had happened. I was terrified.

Reason 2. The blatant rip off and desecration of Lisa Lisa and The Cult Jam’s classic cut “I Wonder If I Take You Home”
I have no problems with sampling. I think sampling is awesome and a great way to revive older music and make it modern and present it to a new generation of music lovers. What I don’t like is sampling of lyrics. That shit is just lazy. If you can’t think of a hook, then you shouldn’t be writing music. BEP are retarded, their hook is….”No, No, No, Don’t Phunk With My Heart….I wonder if I take you home, would we still be in love bay-beee” But they don’t sample the record, just the lyrics. Losers.

Hick Hop
the genre blending must stop. now. i am not kidding. this is wrong in so many ways. so many. hick hop? dude. i quit.

Cowboy Troy
How about how dude rhymes, “I’m big and black…clickety clack” His hook is terrible….”I Play Chicken With The Train” WTF? I hope his hick hop ass gets hit by said train. While the train is hitting people it should also ram into Big and Rich.

Cramps The menstrual variety to be exact. Females you are with me. I have them and I am not happy. Not happy at all.

The Pope I know I have already hated on his ass. But there is a new one now, in fact this morning when I was waiting for a damned weather report I had to sit through 15 minutes of asshole news anchors speculating wether or not the smoke coming from the Vatican chimney was black or white. Are you fucking kidding me? Smoke signals? The most hilarious part is that there was a large flat screen digital display in St. Peter’s Sq so that everyone could see the smoke clearly and judge for themselves. So basically we can get a digital flat screen up in that bitch but we can’t get those Cardinals a fucking two way pager, or an AIM screen name or some other way they can let people know they are still deciding?

How rad would it be if the Cardinal Conclave had an AIM handle.

WorldJesusLovers: So, um any word?
Vatican4Life: No, not yet
WorldJesusLovers: Tough decision? lol
Vatican4LIfe: lol. it’s hard. The Cardinal from Spain is a little bitch and can’t make up his mind who he wants to vote for.


The FantanasDon’t you wanta, wanta, Fanta?

Capri, Kiki, Sophia and Lola love Fanta and so should you. According to the website. The girls are four fun friends from Fantana Island who want to bring fun to my life. “Whenever people are bored, hot and not having any fun, that’s when The Fantanas come to the rescue” Hmm. That’s interesting. Cause I am bored as shit here and certainly not having any fun and it’s a bit stuffy in here yet no sign of Capri, Lola, Sophia or Kiki. Where are those bitches and my fucking Fanta?

My favorite is Sophia because her eyes are so close together and she is “a little artsy, but very real”


Mariah Carey- This bitch is crazy. I saw her on Good Morning America this morning performing a track from her new album The Emancipation of Mimi. This crazy ho was sporting a full fucking evening gown, a fur shrug, a total of 7 elegantly dressed back up dancers and enough stage lights and glitter to illuminate Times Square all on its own. All this before 9 in the morning. WTF? She also seemed a little uncomfortable on stage, at least while she was singing. After her song she immediately started interacting with the crowd, she got so caught up that when they came back for her last song all the anchors were huddled in the corner semi laughing at her including Diane Sawyer. They were mumbling about how “she could run the show by herself, no need for an anchor” then there was a unanimous “Oh shit we’re on…we better get her singing now” vibe that errupted from the anchor huddle. Then Charles Gibson or whatever his name is came rushing across the stage to “introduce” Mariah but really he just sorta tapped her on the shoulder to let her know “we’re on…you are performing Make It Happen” Mariah giggled crazily and then immediately broke into song, but not before telling a fan in the front row, “I LIKE YOUR SHIRT….HOT TAMALE, YEAH!” What a wacko.

Entertainment Weekly
– There I am dealing with my morning business, reading the latest issue of ET Weekly. On the cover are the “Lost Boys” aka the male actors of Lost the new TV series that everyone has their panties in a bunch about. I haven’t seen it so I am not sure if its sucksville or not. Anyhoo, I open up to take a look at the spread and I notice that on the next page after the huge spread there is a side bar that includes 3 members of the Lost Boys not included in the big picture. The three just so happen to be – a. Latin and Fat b. Korean from Korea and c. an actor in his 60s. If that isn’t some Hollywood bullshit than I don’t know what is. Why they gotta keep the fat latinos, koreans and old dudes off the main page. I hope that these guys are just marginal characters in the show that would make me feel better. But I have a feeling it’s not that, they only had one man of color on the main spread. He appears to be Indian or Middle Eastern, I like to call him Token. Fuckers.

FedEx- It’s a great idea in theory. Overnight deliveries regardless of destinations seems like an impossible task but they do seem to pull it off more often than not. My main beef is with our pussy of a FedEx delivery man. He is a big beefy sonofagun and he is terrified of the oldest dog in the universe who sits outside the neighboring office to our immediate left. I am serious when I say this dog is the first dog ever born. He is an old Boxer, who’s face is covered in grey hair and his hind legs don’t work very well due to a hip and leg problem. When he stands and walks, it’s like watching a newborn calf attempting to navigate the field for the first time. Them shits are all wiggly and often times he just uses his front legs to pull the dead weight of his latter half along. Now I ask you…Does that seem like something that would deter you from delivering a fucking package? No. I didn’t think so. Then why are my packages being delivered late? I am calling FedEx to give them a piece of my fucking mind…and it’s Tuesday so those bitches better watch out.

Gwen Stefani “Holla Back Girl” – Does this even count as a song? I mean really? It sounds more like a recording of some third graders chanting a bunch of nonsensical bullshit during a game of “pretend to be a rapper.” The lyrics make no sense and it does not even really relay a story – please make sure you click the link and read the lyrics. Also what about that beat? It’s certainly not bananas. It sounds more like Pharrell got a call to “make a beat” for Gwen and instead of “making a beat” he was like…”well, let’s see here, I’ve got this left over marching band sample that Kanye didn’t want, the syncopation and loose drum sample of We Will Rock You that I cleared for some NERD stuff that never worked out, ooohh I’ll put a little distortion and echo on here and whammo….Gwen’s beat ” I am also a little disappointed by the video. I have always like Gwen for her sense of originality, her cutness and her ability to dress sexy without showing me her vagina – at one point in this video she is wearing no pants. None. While she is a lovely lady I don’t want to see her vagina and I am pretty sure I can see it in the Holla Back Girl video – you can watch this on the link too, let me know if you can see her vagina.


House sitting this week at my friend Lauries in Oakland has been fun. They have all kinds of kitchen stuff that only married and grown up people have..including but not limited to this little wonder. I know it may seem that something as simple as a vacuum flask for coffee could make me so happy but it does. This shit is amazing. I am going to get myself one stat. I put coffee in that bitch this morning at 8:15 and that shit is still hot…wooptie, woot!