Archive for March, 2005


LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT’S HATER TUESDAY

It’s Raining Hate…

The Rain- Yes I know it is a part of nature and all things spring related. Spring showers bring May flowers or however that retarded saying goes. But right now, seriously, the only thing that spring showers are bringing is a bad attitude on my part. The fucking rain drives me insane. I can’t handle the constant wet and the grey. I live in California for a fucking reason. Now make with my fucking sunshine or I am going to be forced to fuck shit up just to entertain myself. Or I am going to smoke myself into a coma…that is all the rain makes me want to do….sit around and get high.


The Osbournes
– Did anyone besides me happen to catch the final Osbournes last night? Well I suppose I should alter the verb “catch” because I didn’t watch it. I instead flipped past it, and then flipped back to it just to make sure I saw what I thought I saw. What I did “catch” was a glimpse of Dr. Phil…on the Osbournes. As I mentioned, I did not watch it…I couldn’t. I was too enraged. Why the fuck was Dr. Phil on the final episode? Is it to let us all know that they know that we know they are fucked up? Or is it to let us see that Dr. Phil is amazing by letting us watch him dissect and berate the Osbourne family? At this point we are all fully saturated with the inner workings of the Osbourne family so it seems preposterous for them to make an attempt at “solving” their problems. Wasn’t it those same problems that made them so fun to watch in the beginning? Also Dr. Phil is as un-metal or un-punk rock as it gets. For a family who seemingly prides themselves on operating outside of the Hollywood or mainstream norm, inviting a pompous fuck bag like Dr. Phil into your house seems fucking looney. I blame Sharon.
Sharon Osbourne is fucking insane. Maybe she is trying to poise herself as the next “Oprah”. Or maybe she already thinks she is Oprah? You know how rich people are, they like something or the idea of something and the next thing you know craziness ensues on said search for attainment of the thing they want. I would bet 5 bucks that Sharon makes her help refer to her as something crazy like “Sharo” or “girlfriend” or “Mrs.O”. I also have a feeling she probably sends expensive gifts to Oprah in hopes of one day being included in the inner Oprah circle. Cause when the armageddon comes, if you ain’t down with Oprah you won’t be chillin safe inside the “inner light room” with the rest of the beloved celebrities who she will be preserving for the rebuilding of humanity. Fucking Oprah.

Lack of Celebrity Whoring
I count on a few sites for photos of my favorite celebrities in whorish situations. I then take said photos, deliberate and compose the hate filled and bitchy quips you all come here for. As of late, my favorite sites have been seriously lacking on the photos of whoring, drunk,poorly dressed, without make up ect, celebs. I wonder what is going on? I blame the rain. It’s keeping all my favorite whores in the house and off the streets of LA. I am tempted to print up invites to a fake event at Lotus or Koi just so I can get these sluts back on the streets with drinks in their hands. Mamma has to get the bitchiness out of her system or mamma goes craaazy!

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:
R. KELLY

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Only R. Kelly could come out with hit after hit after hit after being accused several times over for being a baby girl toucher, lady pisser on-er and possibly a shitter on-er. And only R. Kelly could release song, after song, after song that include lyrics so ridiculous that you have no choice but to bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce with them because it’s just right with the melodies he has paired them with. Was that proper english? Eh who cares, R. Kelly wouldn’t.
I recommend you heed the suggestions in R. Kelly’s lyrics and “find a little trouble to get into” or “add a little juice to yo’ Tanqueray” or “throw on a rap cd and gangsta fuck” cause come Thursday it’ll be “da freakin’ weekend”…you should have you some fun.

The stats that I have make me so international…

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As you can see from the above charts I am fucking international. Sure there are only about a hundred of you reading…but you know what…that is a hundred more than I thought were reading. Evidently a lot of you may or may not even speak English as a first language yet you still apparently find me hilarious and worthy of reading.

Anyhoo I just wanted to take a moment and give some hellos, what the deally-os, fuck yeahs and some general thanks, we love yous to all my peoples across the world reading or looking at this site.

As mentioned before, I will be moving this bad daddy soonish….so keep checking back.

Oh yeah, feel free to comment whenever you want and tell me that I am hilarious or to agree that Tara Reid looks like a skank, Britney should cut her extentions, Fred Durst is indeed a small pricked tool or to make light of one of your own personal hatreds…

I love you all…or do I?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT’S HATER TUESDAY

Dr. Hatelove or How I Learned To Hate “The Bomb”…

New Electro 80s bands
– Some of them are okay, but most of them are crappy rip off of Bananarama B sides. Seriously, I am not even kidding. I was listening to the “He Was Really Sayin Somethin” 12″ yesterday in the office when my coworker pointed out that the B side – “Aie A Mwana” pretty much sounds identical to any of the new shit that has been on the tongue of all the hipsters – See The Bravery, Brazillian Girls, Franz Ferdinand, Bloc Party, Louis XIV, The Rapture ect…I have decided to start my own 80s inspired post disco punk revolution I am still working on a band name but the title for the first album will be entitled “The 80s Sucked The First Time”

Records – This may come to a shock to some of you as I have spent countless hours and amounts of money obsessing over and purchasing vinyl albums for quite sometime. Once upon a time, I had to be put on time out from even entering record stores because too much time and money was being spent on their accumulation. Don’t even get me started on the whole storage issue. I once drove and hour and half out of my way just to get an album that I had been looking for – totally don’t regret it either that shit was re-issued shortly after I bought it and now it’s on ebay for hundreds. Now a days everyone and their mom thinks they are DJ or record collector. There is this new breed of music fan who thinks that they are single handedly unearthing the vinyl record. I hate records now because of you. Thanks. I have news for you who think you are a record collector…you are not. Until you have spent an entire day in one section of one store that is no bigger than my bedroom just to make sure you don’t miss anything only to come back a second day to make double sure you didn’t miss anything then, and only then can you possibly consider yourself a record collector. Until then, you are just a person who happened to buy a few records that one time while looking for some vintage tees at Goodwill.

Rap Rock Mash-up First it was Anthrax and PE that gave way to Body Count which gave way to some bad Cypress Hill songs and now we have the Mash-up. Jay Z and Linkin Park did it and now we have Ludicris and Sum 41 and this new band Flipsyde. I like the rock. I like the rap. I no like the rap and the rock together. I don’t even like the idea of rap producers sampling rock a la Trick Daddy’s song with the Crazy Train hook. Whenever I hear a rock-rap hybrid I can’t help but imagine a huge cock fight. Both styles of music are pretty masculine and boasty so it is just entirely too much for me to hear them on the same track. In the immortal words of The Offspring, we gatta keep em separated.

“Too Cool For School” Look Maybe this is just a NY/SF problem, but is there not an inordinate amount of people on public transportation these days with a very stupid “Too Cool For School” expression on their face? I take the bus to work and each morning there are about 4 people that are painfully cool looking. Their faces have this lifeless eternally bored look and they are all leaning against the rails or casually slouching, ipod cords deliberately displayed or worked into their wardrobe and they all wear sunglasses. They stand or sit there tapping their foot most likely listening to one of the above bands I listed. God forbid you ask them the time or ask them if they are reading on the paper that is sitting on the seat next to them. The inevitably reply in a tone that suggests you asked them if you could try on their pants for a second. I hate those fuckers. Everytime one of them gives me attitude I want to say, “Um excuse me pal, I don’t know why you have such a holier than thou attitude this early in the morning, but I just wanted to remind you that YOU are on THE BUS, meaning if you want to be cooler than you are you should consider driving, until then hand me that crossword and wipe that egomanical look off your face please”

PLAYER OF THE WEEK -

Lil’ Kim

I know Kim, I tried to close my eyes too, but when I opened them you were still dressed like a living room set from Shabby Chic. The real gem in this photo is not her bow tie, not her over use of tweed, not her crocheted tights but her mini bible that appears to be worn at the edges to suggest that she thumbs through it frequently for inspiration in her life, which we all know is very Christian. I mean without Jesus in her life how could she come up with such inspired lyrics as “Watch as I make this Sprite can disappear in my mouth” or “Don’t need no dick tonight…just like my pussy right”