Archive for February, 2005


Unnecessary Hip Hop meets not Hip Hop Collabos – Tim McGraw and Nelly was weird enough now I have to sit through John Mayer and Kanye West? Puh-leeese. What’s next Jessica Simpson and Lil Jon?

Let me preface this by saying I have a lot of friends who live in Portland. I know they love it and I know it makes them happy so I am not trying to directly hate on them for their personal choices. What I am hating on is the whole Portland scene. Everyone and their damned mommas is moving to Portland. If I had a dollar for every time I heard some asshole say the sentence, “OMG, I LOVE PORTLAND! IT’S SO AWESOME. THE ART COMMUNITY THERE IS JUST AMAZING AND THEY HAVE SUCH A COOL MUSIC SCENE AND OMG IT’S SOOOO CHEAP!” I would be a fucking millionaire. Get over it people. Portland is just another sleepy town about to be overrun with indie rock art hippies who need somewhere new to feel awesome about themselves. I’ve been there and I was not that impressed. I don’t care how fucking cheap it is.

Drunk Ooglers As a female, I have breasts. In my case, the breasts are on the larger side. I cannot help it. I do not go out of my way to flaunt them, but I do wear shirts that expose parts of them from time to time. I realize that while I am wearing a low cut shirt it is fairly difficult to avoid eye contact with them, but in no way does it make it okay for someone to peer directly at them or even worse stare into my shirt in hopes of getting a better view. Last weekend, I went to a bar I go to a lot to meet a friend for a drink. While waiting for him, I sat at the bar by myself and had a cocktail. Some tool who was standing behind me sidles up between me and the girl sitting next to me. He turns to her and attempts to “kick his game” to her. She obviously wasn’t feeling it because she got up and left. He then turns to me. I can feel him lean closer and start staring at me, so I do not turn to look at him. When I do not turn to face him he stops his lean in and instead stands up a bit so that he can look over my shoulder and into my shirt. I caught him doing this out of the corner of my eye so I shot him the look of death and said, “Can I help you? with a stern rude tone in my voice. I caught this asshole totally looking in my shirt and he has the audacity to keep looking at my tits directly and then looks up to my face and says in a real sleezy voice. “How uuuuuu doin’” or something equally toolish. Men just because tits are present it doesn’t mean you need to address them directly. Yes enjoy them, admire them, but do not under any circumstance speak to them or stare at them or attempt to see more of them than we have made available. It’s not sexy. And will not lead to us blowing you.

Black Eyed Peas Clothing Line It’s no secret that I fucking hate the Black Eyed Peas. I don’t want to get it started, or retarded or know where the love is or anything associated with BEP. The latest from the craptastic Peas is going to be a clothing line designed by Will.I.Am, the lead rapper. Okay now aside from the annoying proliferation of celeb inspired clothing lines, I am appalled that someone would allow these assholes to dress other people. These fuckos can barely dress themselves. Don’t make me link back to the Grammies last year. Or to the other multiple posts where I have slaughtered Fergie and Co for their couture atrocities. Don’t believe me? Check out these fits….they don’t even fit!!!

Man I hope that shit tanks.

Prank Calls

Paris HIlton…Tmobile hacked, blah, blah, blah, Lesbian photos, blah, blah, still skanky – see below, blah, blah….here’s the phone numbers, blah, blah….More importantly here are the calls I’d love to make and the messages I would leave. MAYBE I WILL????

Durst, Fred 1-310-948-0808 — “Um Hi, yeah Fred? Who’s this? Oh don’t worry about that. I won’t take up too much of your time. I’m just calling to let you know you are a talentless tool. Also you dress bad. Also I hope you get herpes”

Fergie 1-323-855-9056 –” Four words…”eyebrow ring, lose it” …also can you sing me the theme to Kids Inc real quick? I need a new message for my voice mail. ”

Hooper, Nellee – 011-44-7768355555 — ” So do Tara’s breast look as scary in person as they do on film?”

Lavigne, Avril – 1-613-532-4092 —**Sung in classic R&B style hook a la ** “Giiiiirl, You are a Canaaaaaaadiaaaaaaan Midgettttt…..also does it make you feel wierd to know that Paris used to fuck your boyfriend?”


Lohan, Lindsay -1-347-596-9990 —”Linday Lohan gots some big ass titties, mariah carey got some big ass titties, gimme those big ass titties dayum!”

Newson, San fran gavin — 415-722-9876 – Okay first and foremost what the fuck is Gavin Newsom the mayor of SF doing in Paris’ phone book? Second and equally important, is Gavin Newsom having a trampy affair with Paris Hilton? Lastly and most importantly, do you think there is Paris and Gavin tape floating around somewhere?

Olsen, Ashley 1-310-760-1996 — “Do you know where I can score an 8ball? Um and your grandma called and she wants all her clothes back”

Pharrel 1-646-824-1999 — “Can I drop it like it’s hot on your face?”

Simpson, Ashlee- 1-310-254-7114 –”On behalf of music lovers and those of us who work in the industry we would like to officially inform you that you are hereby officially the worst singer ever. Please stop. Also learn to dress yourself. And your nose is huge. And…Jessica is prettier and I find you boring. Thanks”

Wilson, Luke – 1-310-903-0500 — “Hi I’m a friend of Paris, she told me you would be able to put me in contact with your penis?”

Tara – 305790226 — “So I have a website called and I frequently post about you and your lifestyle…its been a little slow this week thus far so I was hoping to fly you up to SF and take you out for drinks so I can have something to write about tomorrow. Are you free?

Still skanky? —Here is my favorite note from her phone notebook – i like to think the “call maroon 5″ and “get birth control kill pill” are related. Also is it just me or do all of these seem whore related? I have numbered footnotes here for your entertainment.

7:39 PM, October 2, 2004
Paris hilton entertainment inc
760 602 0952 mike
*Tan machine free – *1
John hair
Call rosalina
917 6931673
*Call herve leger and lingerie store -*2
*Check from rick- *3
*Call maroon 5- *4
*Get birth control kill pill*5

  1. I assume this means a free tan machine or tanning without a machine and more of a lotion type thing, all whores are tan didn’t you know.
  2. Have to stay skanky, which means lots of free lingerie and other slutty clothes from Herve Lager.
  3. DVD video money baby, she didn’t suck Rick Solomon’s dick in the dark for nothin’
  4. See #5
  5. Hmm….kill pill…real classy Paris….real classy


“dah-ling, pass me that cream i need to oil myself…are you looking at my tits? LOOOOKKKK AT MY TIIIITS YOU BEEEEEETCH! I’M DONTATELLA VERSACE!”

As I write this I cannot help but stare horrified directly into her massive droopy milkers. She is sooooooo ooooold. DAMN! I really cannot get over how horrifying this photo is. I will come back later after I have had time to process and see what else I can come with. Feel free to comment amongst yourselves.