If you read anything I write here you most likely know that I love to hate Tara Reid. I find her facsinating and abismal at the same time. She is a waste of space yet also an incredible source of intertainment.
Alone In The Dark was baaad. I mean baaaad. A friend and I ventured into Jack London Square in Oakland yesterday to catch Alone In The Dark. I was not anticipating it being good. Evan after reading my trusted movie critic pal Dave White’s synopsis of it’s horribleness, I was still set on going so I could see it unfold with my own eyes.
Right about here is where I should go into what the movie is about but there is no real story to speak on. Seriously. The movie makes zero sense. It has absolutely no logic, reasoning or continuity to it. All I can tell you is it involves zombies, evil genius scientists that shoot up ancient evil creature blood, evil native american rituals,archeology, a US gov funded paranormal army, yes paranormal army, lots of shooting of stuff, weird creatures that fuse onto people’s spines and some how this is all connected to Christian Slater and his childhood spent in an evil orphanage.
Despite the complete lack of continuity, the performances by Tara Reid are phenomenal. Her ability to switch between “smart archeologist” and “sultry temptress” is remarkable. I mean one minute she has her hair up in a messy bun and those glasses that make her look so clever and the next she is prancing around in a midrift bearing top and has her locks down and flowing. How many actresses do you know that have that kind of diversity? Her dialog is also quite convincing. I am pretty sure that all but 4 of her lines were, “It’s Abkani” Remembering that kind of involved dialog must have been a challenge, not to mention her stellar delivery of said lines. I am happy to see her in something that challenges her normal “range”. Ha!
All in all I enjoyed watching it though. There was a lot of blood and gore, which I love and have a habit of laughing at. I was the only person in the theater that laughed out loud whenever they showed extreme violence, like this one scene that depicts a woman with her head split in two and twitching about…I could not stop laughing. The film was all that I anticipated and more. my pal who came with does not have the patience I have so she got crazy ancy the last 35 minutes or so and started text messaging people and intermittently asking me “Can we go?” or yelling out ” YOU’RE NOT SMART” whenever Tara came on screen and delivered lines like, “I’ll upload the text and see if I can plot the coordinates…blah,blah,blah” or “THOSE GLASSES AREN’T FOOLING ANYONE!” I had to keep shushing her so I could concentrate on the film. Well not really but you feel me.
In other news, PERMS ARE BACK! Well at least that is what my Netscape newspage says. A story on how perms are back and how to prepare your hair and care for your hair post perm was one of their lead stories today. Dang, times must be tough. Call me crazy but wasn’t there a major election in a certain country that we have all been arguing about and soldiers have been dying for that took place recently? Shouldn’t maybe that trump a story on perms? Oh well what are you gonna do? I only hope that perms really are back cause then I will have shitloads of new people to diss on a daily basis.
In other, other news, Bloodninja is back. Do you folks remember when I posted a link to this guy or maybe it was a friend of mine who linked him and I linked from her, whatever it was linked. The point is it’s funny as shit. Here is another installment I found today. This guy is my new hero. I really like the third one from the top where he casts Lvl 3 Eroticism. Click it and enjoy.
In seriously other news, I am in love with a record called “You’re A Woman, I’m A Machine” from Death From Above 1979. It’s fucking amazing…amazingly rocking.