Archive for December, 2004


Obviously, It’s Hater Tuesday

Ugly Boyfriends…Of course we have all had them. We tell ourselves they have good personalities and they make us laugh but not amount of personality is gonna cover up the fact that your BF is a dog face. The only thing that can make up for it is if he can give you a good deep dicking…but even then you have to be careful cause he may dicknotize you and then you get all caught in the mosh…again its happened to the best of us…but we are just normal everyday folks and that is okay. But if you are rich and famous and hot you should never ever settle for an ugly BF, why? Because they make you ugly and possibily fatter…Poor Christinga Aguilera, Poor Janet Jackson…both of these bitches have ugly ass BF’s….Don’t believe me -
Proof that an ugly bf can make you ugly and evidently fatter….

Avril Lavigne

I don’t hate on Avril very often because it is so obvious…but I just had to include this one…Yeah Avril…we get it. You are totally punk rock…I can tell by the use of your middle fingers…check out how like 1 minute later she is all smiles…. Also just wanted to remind you that you are a Canadian midget.

Okay everyone, please, please gird yourselves…this next series is a fucking doozy….Britney may not be pregnant but she is fucking crazy…and evidently morphing into Courtney Love – (scott from stereogum put me on to that revelation) see for yourselves.

Okay seriously people….these are the best thing that has happened to me all year…goddamn. No commentary needed…these beauties speak for themselves.

Fred Durst

Five reasons why I hate you:

  1. Your Fred Durst.
  2. Your sweater
  3. Your belt buckle
  4. Your tired ass face
  5. That fucking backwards hat.

Tara Reid Acts…

Evidently someone decided to make a movie and let Tara Reid act again. God bless them…this means there will be a premiere, a press tour, a premiere party, ect….How about how her co-star is Christian Slater…how much you want to bet that Blow was on the Kraft service table instead of bagels?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT’S HATER TUESDAY

First to be slayed:

The Grammys:
The palms have been greased, the musical integrity has been compromised and now the nominees have been announced. Yes, ladies and gentleman the musical community has spoken and according to the tone deaf members of the Recording Academy here. are the best contenders of 2004.

You could click there and read the complete list for yourself of you could just skip it and keep reading here and I’ll let you know what’s really hood….

RECORD OF THE YEAR NOMINEES:

Let’s Get It Started
– The Black Eyed Peas
Here We Go Again – Ray Charles and Norah Jones
American Idiot – Green Day
Heaven – Los Lonely Boys
Yeah – Usher

Black Eyed Peas?? Are you fucking kidding me? You seriously want to give a Grammy to these assholes?

I mean come on now…look at these fucking tools? Let’s Get It Started isn’t even the original song…the original song was Let’s Get Retarded, but they changed it because they were getting flack from Retard Advocacy groups and also their label was offered multiple licensing opportunities ( NBA Playoffs, HELLO ) if the hook was “Let’s Get It Started” as opposed to “Retarded”. The label then re-released the album with the new version of the song so that consumers would be able to recognize and purchase the song they were brainwashed into rocking out to during the playoffs and Pepsi commercials. Now don’t get me wrong…I have no issues with licensing music. In fact, I think it is an incredible way to gain exposure and income, my problem is with the re configuring of complete compositions as well as the repackaging and marketing of albums in order to capitalize on placement. But I am getting off point, the issue at hand is that this song sucks and that BEP sucks. Also, this is strike two in the sell out nature of BEP…one of the main reasons i hate them is because of this bitch:

In this picture I hear her singing “I use my vaaaaaginaaaah….to sell my reeeeeecoooords ahhhhhh….”

I guess the rest of the nominees are alright but they are all pretty generic and very consistent with the Grammy formula for choosing nominees each year…which is:

  1. Palatable and non offensive fun time group with urban vibe
  2. Recently deceased legend
  3. Hard Rock / Punk / Metal Band
  4. Ethnic Sounding Band that makes white people feel cultured
  5. Megalomaniac Pop Star

**also the wild card can be the hot new artist of the year…in years past examples would be Beyonce, Norah Jones, Alicia Keys, ect….
So as you can see they are dead on…except they really came through and doubled up on the wild card and number two in their formula

BEST FEMALE POP PERFORMANCE

Oceania РBjörk
The First Cut Is The Deepest – Sheryl Crow
Sunrise – Norah Jones
What You Waiting For? – Gwen Stefani
You Had Me – Joss Stone

The only reason that Bjork gets nominated is because everyone wants to see what she is going to wear…no one is gonna give her a Grammy…poor girl. Sheryl Crow…so what your BF only has one testicle and won the Tour De France like a million times, you still can’t sing and fucking up one of the best songs ever already performed perfectly by Rod Stewart does not mean you should get a Grammy. Norah Jones, yeah, yeah, you can sing, we get it…your totally timid and have a lovely voice…but you won like a million times already. What You Waiting For Gwen,how about how this song has been out for like 10 minutes and you are already nominated for a Grammy…now I love you, you know that. But you also know that you don’t really like this song and you also know that this is not your best vocal performance…this is just a ploy to boost Linda Perry’s already bulging ego and your label’s attempt at boosting Christmas record sales, you know they greased some palms right? Sorry to break it to you Gwen. Joss Who? Yeah, right. I could give two shits that you are a 18 year old white girl from London who sings soul classics ( i liked it better when it was movie called The Commitments)…try writing your own material and get off Mary Wright’s nuts already…shiiit.

BEST ROCK PERFORMANCE BY DUO OR GROUP

Monkey To Man – Elvis Costello & The Imposters
Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand
American Idiot – Green Day
Somebody Told Me – The Killers
Vertigo – U2

Ahahhahaha HAHAHAHAHHAAH…..that’s right Indie Rock Faggots…your precious Franz Ferdinand, The Killers, Modest Mouse and Wilco are all nominated for various rock associated Grammies…you know what that means? YOU LIKE POP MUSIC….Bwooahahahhahahaha, bwooahhahahahaah…..Hate to break it to you but kids in Nebraska are flocking to Best Buys, Wal Marts and Targets to pick up all your precious indie music. And guess what it is going to keep happening….so tighten up that white belt get used to it. Faggot.

I could go on and on about the Grammys but then I would never have time to get to any of these:

No this is not Liberace…he wishes. But it is terribly, terribly funny. No comments needed.

Make sure you click and enlarge….otherwise you will not see how her pants are eating her vagina and how she is one of the most annoying dressers ever…also I am pretty sure there is a stick up her ass keeping her in that position..but seriously, Ryan Star, your vagina called and it wants some air..

This picture exemplifies a theory I have been working on….that theory is that everyone in Hollywood is either a drag queen or a junkie.

Um, Okay seriously…is that a fucking Steal Your Face on her dress? Are those fucking rainbow dancing dead bears? WTF? Grateful Dead couture? Once upon a time I was a card carrying Grateful Dead loving hippy. Yes, its true. I am not going to lie. I have the pictures to prove it. During that time I did a lot of sewing…mainly because that is what you are supposed to do and also because deep down I wanted to go to fashion school but I was too much of a hippy to do it. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to walk barefoot around NYC or something ridiculous…but I had an idea then to make upscale hippy garb to sell to all the Yippies that frequented Dead shows on weekends and vacations. Some genius has stolen my idea and evidently sold it to the most richest of annoying bitches Paris Hilton…another one of my million dollar ideas wasted away on someone other than me.

P.S When someone says, “Um I would like a Smoked Turkey Panini but can you make it fresh because I am allergic to tomatoes” you should probably make it without tomatoes otherwise a certain someone who frequents a certain deli may return the following day and completely blow her stack and or write about you on her website and say something to the effect of “GODDAMMIT I SAID NO FUCKING TOMATOES YOU SHIT BAG!” Fucking incompetent Whole Foods deli workers….shiiiit.

Um I guess that’s sexy….

So I am in the midst of my mid morning break where I sit around, read magazines that have arrived today, sip my coffee, throw my feet up on the desk and generally pretend to be working but really I am just reading mags and being lazy. I am flipping through Jane as it just arrived and Lindsey Lohan is on the cover so I know something good to hate on is more than likely in here, but I have not even reached the articles yet because I was stopped by this fucked up image…

Who the fuck said this was sexy? Why is Paris straddling her little dog? It looks like she either just gave birth to a Chihuahua or she is about to suck it up with her massive superhuman beav…either way I find it disturbing. I mean I did not know that Praying Mantis’ were able to mate with dogs…also that dog doesn’t even have it’s eyes open, what a shitty model Tinkerbell is…Also if someone isn’t gonna stick a dick in Paris’ mouth sometime soon then I would prefer not to see her with that much red lipstick on ever….This scan does not do the obnoxiousness of the picture justice. Go pick up a Jane and see for yourself….

I think Paris had her uterus lined with Dior signature tweed so that she can keep Tinkerbell warm in there….