“Love and hate such a beautiful combination, Sending shivers make me quiver, Feel it sliver up and down my spine….how I love to hate you…….”
Oh Erasure…you are so brilliant, their lyrics have inspired me on so many levels. Anyhoo, I did not have time to write any long epics this week on things I hate, so I decided to live out a fantasy that I have been harboring for quite sometime now. The fantasy is having my own Play by Play fashion criticism show styled after what John Madden does with Monday Night Football. You know what I am talking about, Madden comments on the game using video stills of the game and a white “pencil” that he uses to circle and visually show the audience where the play went wrong. The idea is more or less the same except I would be set up on the streets of a major city shooting live and evaluation people live. So today’s entry is like a sneak peek at what I would do if I had this show. I hope you like it.
Bono went very wrong here on several levels. Let’s start at the top and work our way down. Skin, a sunburn is not sexy. I don’t care who you are. If he has a stylist he obviously did not consult him or her, if he did he would not be sporting double denim at an obviously upscale event (See Jay Z and Beyonce) Also what’s going on with that hat? I think he is attempting to cover a bald spot and some terribly fried split ends. With his kind of dough he should be able to spare a few bucks on some leave in conditioner. Finally, nice ponch guy.
The Afflecks. Casey, what the fuck is that on your face? It looks like he is in disguise, a bad disguise. Ben, just cause your brother has a bad stash, doesn’t mean it is okay to hit the red carpet sporting bush face. Also note the coke induced sweat beads on Ben’s forehead. Not a good look. The main place these two went wrong aside from the obvious facial hair, is the shoes. WTF is on your feet? It is the red carpet put on some damned proper shoes. Last but not least the yellow LIVE STRONG bracelet. If Lance was not porking Sheryl Crow no celeb would be caught dead with that yellow rubber band on. So Ben, lose it.
Look at this train wreck ladies and gentleman. I had to insert numbers here just to keep all the tragedy organized. Let’s break it down shall we?
- “Chic Pea” T Shirt. Ironic t shirt at an event not cool. The worst part is it is not even a shirt it is a tube top. Also not only is Fergie not Chic I don’t need to be reminded that she is in the Black Eyed Peas, that is fucking obvious.
- So I think she is trying to go for a retro meets rock look and basically that is lame. You can’t see her pants here but trust me when I say they are cropped and have a fuzzy poodle on one of the legs. My circle here is pointing to the weird leather wrist cuff and the studded belt. Why are these here? Stop trying to be creative now. Right now.
- Why is this curl here? Paula Abdul called and she wants her ponytail back so they can keep spinning her “Rush, Rush” video on VHI Classics. Oh yeah and she wants her neck scarf back too.
- What the fuck is happening with your face here? Why are you making this look? What camera are you looking at? Get it together. This face issue is a recurring problem for Fergie.
- Will. I Am, you are over jushed or dgujing ( however the fuck you spell that term) those suit cuffs, lay off the Queer Eye tips guy. Your look is predictable and over calculated.
- Again, seriously no need to pop the collar so prominently, a slight upturn of the collar would have been fine here. Although still would have been a little pretentious.
- You are ugly and should work on not bringing attention to your face. Put those hands down. Also get a hair cut.
- Are you seriously rocking Elvis glasses? I thought those went away in 99. Oh wait they did. Get some better shades.
Ok so here I have no issues with the clothes or the hair. She looks great, except for one little thing…I know the film is called the Brown Bunny, but you are taking the method acting a little far, no need to make bunny teeth a reality. Insert your favorite blow job joke here.
This is a fine example of how to dress appropriately. Damn Gwen is hot. Turquoise and Red, yes please. I guess that is why Louis Vuitton rocks so hard also real roses are a fucking amazing touch. Props to Adrian for realizing that booze can be an accessory.
Fergie, Fergie, Fergie, when will you learn that we can see your vagina in skirts that short? What the fuck is going on with those shoes, just because they are orange doesn’t mean they match. Nice stain by the way, try and avoid spilling Champers on yourself when you are going to be photographed. Also, what the fuck is up with that lonely braid? Are you trying to match your “moccasins” with your hair? Sister please. Finally, here is another shining example of bad photo face. No one may know who she is but at least Nikka Costa knows how to pose and can throw on some heels once in a while.
Kelis, your milkshake may bring the boys to the yard but those gold fronts are sending them right back where they came from. Also there may or may not be a fanny pack involved here.
Notice here how fine both these men are. Benicio my heart also beats for you…..
Sometimes underwear is good.But you are Prince so who am I to fault you?