funkybitch | 
09 18th, 2007| 
heeeeey sorry i’m late for your birthday party, there has just been some really heavy shit at work lately….what? oh, yeah — no, not that job. i have another one now….im pretty sure this is the one though….opportunities for advancement and what not…anyways your mom told me you were into computers and shit now so i got you these floppy disks….
last week a pal asked me who i thought the least talented famous people were. i had so much fun hating i’ve decided to post my results here –
MIA - I too salt and pepper my mango, but that does’t mean I can or should attempt to “rap.” I find MIA’s voice a little too squawky and I rarely (if never) can understand what the fuck she is saying when she actually speaks. Sure, sure I “get” her appeal. However, it’s pretty fucking lame. Bitch, dresses like a 4 year old. Peep her outfit above. She actually wore that shit on stage. She needs to fire that fucking stylist pronto. What kind of name is Cassette Playa anyway? The real talent behind MIA are the produers. Diplo pulled out some heaters for her. Take “20 Dolla” for example, that beat is so fucking sinister. Sampling New Order? Gaaaangsta. I dunno if Diplo is responsible for that one, but if he is word the fuck up.
Rene Zellweger – If by talent you mean “good at making a lip pursy sour puss face with annoying squinty eyes regardless of the situation” then yeah, she’s fucking brilliant. On the real the only place it really worked was Bridget Jones Diary, but even then it only worked because Fielding’s character was already a royal pain in the ass.
Zach Braff – Not talented, tries really fucking hard to be whitty and talented. Everyone is like, “his work is so personal and introspective, I learned so much about myself watching Garden State” You know what I learned by watching Garden State? Zach Braff is a whiny pretentious bitch. You ever see that episode of Punk’d with Braff? He loses his shit and beats down a 12 yr old for tagging on his car. Sure, I hate graffiti too but the kid is 12 and you’re a fucking millionaire. What an asshole.
Cameron Diaz – Have you seen The Sweetest Thing, because I have and it sucked. Sure she’s done a lot of movies besides that one, but for me, that fucking piece of trash really highlights her craptastic acting. There are some scenes where you can almost hear her brain thinking aloud as she is “acting”. She’s full of terrible body language and awkward expressions. She’s a waste of space. I don’t care how tall and blonde she is. She is the suck.
Fergie – Sure she can sing, Ill give her that BUT — She sings the same shit all the time. She’s got zero range and her song writing doesn’t exist. That’s whyWild Orchid never popped off. The only reason she’s important is because Will I Am of the Black Eyed Peas can write a mutherfucking hook and produce his ass off. Sure I hate the Black Eyed Peas, but Will is a pop genius. Fergie should thank her lucky stars that Will found and rescued her from whatever meth den she was living in. Without that first pair of hot shorts and co-opt of the “round the way girl” hairstytle in the Where is the Love video she’d still be cashing four cent royalty/residual checks from her Kids Incorporated days wondering why her agent doesn’t return her calls anymore.
Player of the Week:
consider this an interactive one — sort of like those puzzles you find in Highlights Magazine at the dentist…
you get one point for everything wrong you find in this picture.
take a good hard look and then click here