Hater Tuesday

The theme this week is quick and dirty. Short bits of hate for rapid consumption.

Is it just me or does Katie Holmes look like one of those ladies stuck inside those pens you get from French novelty shops? I sorta wanna turn my computer upside down to see if the dress slips off and shows me her huge grandma bush.

I wanna be this rich. This is an actual note that was posted next to the front door of a big fancy house I broke into. Juuuuust kidding. I didn’t break in, I was invited, sorta. The point is not how or why I was in the house but rather these people are so rich they can make absurd demands like this via post to their “help.” What I want to know is what happens to Buddy if by chance you go left (east) when you leave the house? Does he impload? Does he go all Kujo? What if you are holding very important documents and a big gust of easterly wind blows them out of your hands? Are you allowed to run after them or should you still proceed west around the block with Buddy until you reach the corner again? If I were this rich, I’d post obnoxious notes like this all over my house just to fuck with the help.

Here’s the thing, Carrot Top is probably doing alright financially now. Obviously he can afford a shit ton of ‘roids and an eyebrow waxer, why not invest in some new clothes? Where did he get that shirt? By the size of the sleeves it looks like its one from his early days when he was just an annoying comic who used too many puns and gimmicks in his act. Is that an anklet? Just saying.

In related news, how awesome would it be to see a battle of the ‘roids starring Carrot Top and Bonaduce?

Jury Duty: I got called for jury duty last week. That’s why I didn’t post. I spent like 3 days in a court room for jury selection for some boring ass trial. Why can’t I get called for jury selection on shit like this? What I wouldn’t do to be on Kells jury! Can you imagine how awesome that trial is going to be? I have no idea how they intend to give Kells a “fair and unbiased” trial. I mean it took the city of SF 3 days to weed through 70 or so people for some run of the mill criminal case. They were asking us the most retarded shit “Have you ever known anyone or you yourself been a victim of vehicle theft or vandalism.” For real. They asked us that. My response, “Um well, this is SF. When I had a car, it was broken into about a billion times. In fact, my friends called it the Bum Motel because I eventually just gave up and let them take over. It was easier that way” I wonder how the intend to find people who don’t have any prejudices against black people, famous people, sex criminals, people who pee, ect. They need me on that jury dammit!

Honestly, I don’t even want to know the back story on this one. The picture alone says too much, if you know what I mean. Dude is totally obsessed with his own celebrity. He continues to play himself daily. Has he learned nothing from blogging the life stories of attention whores? Perez is one lip gloss application short of morphing into the 2007 Bobby Trendy. If he blogs about himself one more freaking time I’m going to fucking scream.
**picture lifted from A Socialite’s Life - since I was writing about Perez I thought it appropriate to “borrow” some images without permission.

I can’t decide if these three bitches are my heroes or three reasons why the 80s should have died and never, ever, ever came back. Before I move on it’s important to point out that these were not taken at a costume party. They just rolled out like that. On purpose. Part of me applauds their “I don’t give a fuck” attitude (as evidenced by the um, creative clothing choices) and commitment to having a good time (as evidenced by nonstop dancing and stage whoring). The other part of me was overwhelmed with hate and wanted to yank one of them by the ducktail and demand a fucking explanation.

I’m not lying when I say this broad here was wearing an outfit I had in the 7th grade. F’reals. I had those same fucking shorts. I bought them from Wet Seal in the mall. I had a shirt similar to the one she’s wearing but it was less slutty (or maybe my boobs were smaller). I even had that fucking belt. Mine was black. I’ll tell you what I didn’t have though — a big ass nameplate necklace that read “BOOZY” and a nasal cavity full of cocaine. This bitch had both of those on lock.

I literally spent 2 hours transfixed on these hoes. Couldn’t take my eyes off them. My buddy Serg leaned over at one point and told me “I think those bitches rap or someshit…it’s on some wanna be Salt N Pepa throw back bullshit” I can’t confirm or deny this bit of info but if anyone can send me a MySpace page or some proof that there is a “reason” for this look I’ll give ya $5.

Player of the Week:

This is what I’m fucking talking about. This is what reality TV should be about. Mutherfuck Charm School, Mutherfuck Age of Love, Mutherfuck Big Brother, Mutherfuck Wife Swap. It’s about fucking time we got some of this hot tranny action on this side of the pond. According to DListed this shit is coming stateside. I can’t wait to see some asshole loose his shit when he finds out he’s touching a man-made poon. Good job Fox. Real Good Job.

Sometimes, I worry that I’ll run out of inspiration for this site. Then miracles like this fall into my lap and remind me why I starting doing this in the first place.

You absolutely need a closer look so before we go on, please click HERE for a larger version!

OK here we go.

#1 - Lots of funny jokes were mad about Paris’s third grade penmanship, but if this isn’t certified serial killer handwriting then, I don’t know what is.

#2 - I found this little doozy taped to a pole right outside my local Whole Foods. The “To the customer I slighted at Whole Foods” coupled with “Dear Lady” immediately got my attention. After all I am a lady and everyone knows I have beef with that damn deli counter and their inability to make a damn sandwich the way I order it.

#3 - DEMONIC ATTACK? F’reals? Dang, I didn’t know that was even on the list of excuses we can use for being an asshole. Seriously, that is one excuse you really can’t debate. Just try and call bullshit on that one. Are you really, really down to fuck with the devil? Who are you to question his choice of victims? This poor dude has been dealing with “demonic attacks” for God knows how long (word on the street is God keeps tabs on that sort of shit.) I am so putting “demonic attack” in the excuse file. That absolutely trumps shit like “i was pissed off at some other shit” or “man, i as so drunk, i don’t remember.” You could even use that one to call in sick, it’s going to be my new “um yeah, i’ve got uncontrollable diahrrea”

#4 - I like how dude is so sincerely sorry and then stings at the end with a thinker. Is he trying to threaten the “lady” into forgiving him by gently reminding her that God can be a motherfucker come Judgement Day? Or is it a simple plea for forgiveness so that he can appear before God and sail through despite all his bouts with the demons?

#5 - All this talk of demons sorta makes me miss Wesley Willis. God Bless his nutty self.

#6 - Keith Savage. Wow, what a name. It’s too bad he’s subject to demonic attacks, with a name like that he’s destined for a career in hair metal or porn. Or both. Oh well.

It’s All Star Week here in SF which means my neighborhood is crawling with baseball enthusiasts who are generally fucking shit up and making it next to impossible to get lunch, take a walk or do anything outside my office. The only upside is all the awesome parties.

I managed to swass my way into a private All Star Weekend kick off party at Giant’s ballpark on Saturday and let me tell you those dudes know how to throw a party. There was food and booze around literally every corner. At one point I was carrying a Bud Light, a glass of chardonnay and a Cuervo shaker full to the brim with margarita. They even had a freakin’ ice luge for Jager shots!

I wanted to go all Gurp City on that bitch, but I let the responsible Funkybitch take over. Besides there was so much free gurp, sucking on a ice luge seemed both crass and unnecessary. A girl has got to draw the line somewhere.

It really was one of the better parties I’ve been to so GO GIANTS! With that said I really would not be doing my job if I didn’t post this video of the TERRIBLE “go-go dancers” they had on hand. Seriously, these hoes are not only dressed wack but they can’t dance for shit. They shoulda got some hoes from the Lusty to come down and shake a tail feather.

Player of the Week:
Nick Starvingforcock of Big Brother

Remember when we talked about all that LGBTQIQ business a few weeks ago? Were you confused? Not amused by the frank discussion of “questioning” and why it’s a total pile of bullshit? Wondering what the fuck Gay for Pay meant? Well — here you go my friends, a super main stream example. By the way, it’s my opinion that dude is G-A-Y. I don’t know about you but none of my “straight” male friends have ever “given a guy a blow job once.” In fact, I’m fairy positive that if you “blow a guy” and admit it on national TV, you are probably fucking gay. Wave the flag, Mary; we all see you flying it!

Fergie Flosses Candies:
Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? OK, just checking, cause I’ve been saying Fergie is a talentless man face for like a bazillion years. Suddenly, every blogger in the universe seems to be up in arms about Fergie using her “songs” to shill Candies shoes. It’s as if she was previously known as someone with integrity. She’s wack, she’s always been wack. Now she will be getting paid to sell wack shoes to teen hoes. They’ve got this thing called C-Tube featuring Fergie over at Candies.com. I suppose it’s mean to be short for Candies TV but I think you and I both know what the “C” really stands for. For those of you who are a little slow, it rhymes with “hunt.”

Perez Hilton: Why the long face Perez? Being spotted by the paparazzi out at dinner with an actual real life celeb! Isn’t that like Celeblogger heaven? Jewel is all smiles and nice nice and you are all stink face too cool for school? If you are going to be the Queen of All Media you better get your game face on playa. You also might want to find some bigger names to have dinner with besides Jewel. Just saying….

Everyone Else Seeing Famous People I Want To See: I travel a decent amount. I go to places like LA and NY semi-frequently for business. Each time I go, I hope to run into someone really good and famous that I can make fun of here or that I otherwise admire for whatever reason. Especially when I go to LA. Each and every time I come home a little disappointed. I always run into famous people but it’s usually someone dumb like Ryan Seacrest or some washed up soap star who’s name I can’t remember. My girl Michelle heads down to LA with no intentions or hopes of seeing anyone famous and runs into Suge mutherfucking Knight at some cheesy western themed bar on the strip in the middle of the day. Why can’t I run into Suge? Or Tara Reid? Or Fergie? WTF? Anyhoo here’s a picture of Michelle with Suge. Dude’s a little sweaty, but then again he’s the size of Bigfoot and LA is sorta hot in the summer.

iPhone: Those ibusters at Apple tricked my mom into buying an iPhone. They told her it came with magical fairies that can compose emails from her thoughts and hand deliver them complete with explosions of pink glitter to their intended destinations. She also mumbled something about Steve Jobs promising her an unicorn and a docking “rainbow” but the box looked kinda small so I’m leaning towards a big nay-no on that one. It’s a shame that non of those things came with it because for $600 it better be pretty fucking special. I fucked around with it for a while and I have to say I’m not impressed. Here are reasons why it sucks:

1. It’s fucking slippery. Admittedly, I’m a clutz. Let’s be real though; people drop phones. A lot. This one is all sleek and glass and polished metal and shit. I’m positive it will shatter into roughly 600 iPieces if it hits a hard surface like concrete.

2. “But it’s got YouTube!” - Uh OK. Why do I give a fuck about watching Dramatic Hamster on my fucking phone? Not me. Sure I think Unforgiveable #2 is hilarious but I don’t need access to it in my pocket. Wait, maybe I do.

3. “But it’s an iPod AND a phone” - OK, fair enough. Can I buy songs directly from iTunes? No. No you can’t, yet.Um OK so when I can do I have to buy a new iPhone - yeah probably.

4. “But, it’s so easy to use!” - Actually it’s not that easy. Sure all that touch screen shit is fancy but the virtual keyboard is super sensitive so if you have FF fingers you are basically fucked. I spent like 10 minutes typing in my contact info cause I kept having to delete and re-enter shit. Then just like Apple’s fucked up Address book - it neglected to save the info.

5. “Where does the battery go?” - Ya’ll remember the first iPod and the whole battery replacement scam? Well, I’m not convinced iPhone isn’t going to have the same problem. I’ve got a perfectly good iPod at home that has been rendered useless because it cannot be charged anymore. Only way to get it fixed is to send it back or take it to the Apple store and drop it off for a few days. I don’t know about you but dropping off my phone for a few days is not an option.

Player of the Week:

Is it just me or is Helena Bonham Carter looking more and more like Miss Crabtree from South Park?