Hater Tuesday

Hollywood Hipster Rap:
Up until last week, I had no idea that there was a “hip hop scene” in Hollywood. Sure there are hella people in LA that are making great music and doing good shit (more on those people later) but there is a whole festering boil of a community in Hollywood specifically, that thinks they are “hip hop” or at the very least see hip hop as a way to catalyze their rapidly disappearing 15 minutes of fame and subsequent careers. Dirt Nasty *seems to be at the helm of this decrepit scene. I had the unfortunate luck of catching parts of his set while at the Roxy last week. Dude raps poorly in a generic white rapper cadence about his small dick, doing blow, famous people he knows and other self-effacing topics like taking shits and fucking animals. It’s pretty terrible shit, but I that’s his whole schtick — insincere humility. More disturbing than the lack of talent was the complete absence of professionalism. Dude was an opener on the bill and had a 25 person entourage (seriously, not exaggerating) that followed him everywhere including out the front door in the middle of the headliner’s set. It’s common courtesy to stay and watch the headliner, sure not everyone stays but if you choose to leave the polite thing to do is leave before the set starts so as to not distract from the show. But no, dude decides to wait until the headliner has started and then march his his ass all the way across the club (with 25 people in tow) out the front door, ten minutes into the set. That’s just arrogant and rude. Which is why he’s here on these pages being called out as bitchmade. Here’sa terrible picture of him outside talking to some trampy waitress.
*aka Simon-Rex-High-On-Coke-Rapping-A-Lot-Because-He-Likes-The-Sound-Of-His-Own-Voice

LGBTQIQ - Huh? What? Yeah. I know. I said that same thing when I saw it on a job listing a friend was looking at. I said to myself, “WTF is QIQ?” For those of you who live in the Midwest or maybe just hate Gay people, LGBT= Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender. That’s been pretty common for a while now. But this QIQ business is new as fuck. I did a little research first on Wikipedia, cause it’s like the bible yo! And second with the Gays I know to discuss my findings. Here are the results of both:

Wikipedia says: Nothing. Not a damn thing. Seriously. Try it. Nothing comes up.
Lydia says: What the fuck is QIQ? I better Google this shit.
Google says: A whole bunch of links to wierd websites who all seem to be in agreement that it means,
Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Queer Intersex and Questioning.
Lydia says: Are you fucking serious? Questioning? We’re giving people who don’t even know what hole to stick it in or rub it on a fucking equal chance now? Did we reaaaaaally need to expand this acronym? I bet this is some Bay Area only hippy shit. Doesn’t Queer mean Gay? I’m so confused. I’m going to ask the Bears.

So I last week in LA, I had lunch with some gays. These aren’t just your willy nilly every day gays. They are like LA Power Gays. OK so that might be a stretch but they are smart and really fucking gay. So I ask them:

Lydia Says: Are you guys down with this whole LGBTQIQ shit?
Or is it just the hippie fags up in my area that are covering all the PC bases?
Gays all look at me, then each other and then me.
The surly accomplished writer,
Dave says: What the fuck are you talking about?
The knows a lot about food and is gay on two continents,
Poppychirpysays: Hmmmm….Queer something?
The LA TV writer Christian says: OH GOD!
Lydia says: I Googled it and evidently it means “Queer…Intersexed….Questio….”

Before I finish the word “questioning” the table heaves a loud collective sigh “UG” followed by a bunch of “You are kidding? Oh jeez….Questioning?”

Christian says: I’ve got a question….are you sucking my dick or aren’t you?
Dave says: Fucking hippies
Lydia says: Um so yeah Queer is Gay right?
There’s not a new secret meaning Im not up on is there? Is it like Mexicans and Chicano?
Dave laughs and says “Yes, Queer is the gay equivilent of Chicano…you have my permission to say that”
Poppychipy says: “What about Gay for Pay? Are we going to recognize them next?”

The conversation went on and on in far less politically correct directions than you can imagine but the overall ruling was LGBTQIQ is fucking lame and should not be used. Oh and Queer is the new Chicano….spread the word.

Also if you are ever in LA, need a delicious burger and a place to discuss inappropriate things like “Gay for Pay” or “Cam Jobs” I suggest you visit Sonia over at Irv’s Burgers on Santa Monica Blvd. Sonia will shower you with meat, love and jokes. She chided me for being late and told me she was going to charge me extra for making the gays wait.

No this isn’t for your iPod. It’s a cradle…. for your vagina, a docking station if you will. I know I’m always a little confused as to what to do with mine when I’m not using it. Evidently, this is the new sexy alternative to a G String. ( It’s called a C String) You know because, we’ve been like needing one. Imagine, all these years I’ve been walking around thinking “If only I could find more an even more uncomfortable solution to VPL than the G String….There has GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY!” Thank God someone finally found a solution! I can’t believe I’ve been walking around all this time, comfortably without a headband shaped piece of plastic rammed up my ass in place of underpants. More pics of this contraption here, here and here.

Player of the Week:
Honors this week go to whomever is in charge of commercial wheatpasting here in SF. I’ve been peeping these out all over the city. Either someone has a good sense of humor or I read too many gossip blogs . Whatever the case, this shit is funny.

OK that’s it. Over and out.

**Talented, polite and relevant LA rappers/musicians/homies you should know about –
2Mex
Fat Lip
NuMark

Download “Bang That Shit” (mp3)
from “Dirty Work - A Good Day to Die”
by Bash Bros. (feat. 2Mex)
Squared Circle

• Buy at iTunes Music Store
• Buy at Rhapsody
• Buy at Napster
• Stream from Rhapsody

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