Hater Tuesday

These fucking kids….A Hater Tuesday Special Report: Teen Hoes

Teen Groupie Hoes:
I think these little bitches pop, lock and dropped thier way out of the womb dressed in see through halter tops, faces caked in M.A.C. cosmetics and Steve Madden platform heels. It’s like all they watched in thier formative years was MTV Spring Break Miami instead of Blues Clues or Sesame Street. These hoes have been cultivated from birth…it’s the only explaination. These little hoes were no older than 16 (at best) and more realistically were around 14. They paraded around the “club” (show was at Slim’s… it started at 7, which means it was still light outside and these hoes had on stripper heels) mean mugging packs of rival teen hoes, waiting to and hoping that on on-stage “hoe-down” would occur. Of course these hoes got lucky and it did go down. In a matter of minutes the stage was filled with rival groups of “teen hoes” all writhing and grinding thier way to a future of bad decisions and STDs.

To see a terrible animated gif of hoes in action, click here.

Shitty R&B is Destroying The Youth:

Thank you Akon, for schooling a new generation of young boys on the power of the “dry hump.” And thank you Pretty Ricky for providing step by step instructions on how to please a woman. It’s hard enough to be a teen girl without having to worry about your man doing his best “Pipelaya” impression in your mom’s living room. When I was a teen ho, we had to figure this shit out on our own. We didn’t have no Pretty Rickys or Cassies walking us through getting our groove on. New Editionwasn’t singing about “Let me slide in…hit you from your front to back…” All Ralph and the boys sung about was having crushes and getting the girl…and it worked. Ralph would help you get the girl and what you “did” with her was on you. It concerns me that these young boys are practicing such ill fated love making techniques. These 5 are destined to underperform and destroy a young woman’s first time with this body worm shit.

There is a second video that begins by warning potential viewers that watching the video may result in “wet panties.”

PS. Just when you thought “fuck yo’ couch” was dead, this video has surfaced to remind us all that a good catch phrase never dies.

PPS. THIS JUST IN - more couch fucking, this time with sanitary precautions and lotion.

props to Hater At Large - Mark from Plinko for sending the OG link.
props to Hater At Large - Thug E Fresh for this new one.

A Bits of Advice For Young Music Journalists:
This is a terrible piece of writing. There is nothing I hate more than a shitty musical critique. If you are going to hate on something, fucking hate on it. Don’t pussy foot around the hate, build a case and fucking unleash it. If you can’t properly build a critique you should probably get out of the CD Review game and go back to reporting on the highlights of the badminton team.

1. Don’t review an album you downloaded from Limewire, it’s probably not labeled correctly* or an accurate copy of the album as it’s intended to be heard. Therefore, your review is shit.
2. If you don’t like the genre of music the CD boasts you probably shouldn’t be reviewing it. If you don’t listen to rap music why the fuck should I care about your critique of it. You don’t see me writing about classical music now do you?
3. When in doubt fucking fact check.* If you can’t find your answers, ask somebody. It’s called an interview. Try it sometime.
4. CD reviews should be short. This shit is epic. If it’s going to be epic, it’s a good idea to make sure you have a point. The only point made here is that you are a square and too wordy.

P.S. Publicly responding to haters on YouTube from an echo chamber a top “Nerd Mountain” is not a good look bro. It didn’t work for Byron Crawford.

*”Hogs of Night” ?? Come on, dude.

Hollywood Teens:

Good to have you back Lindsay. Paris is going to jail, you know what that means? You get to be red now. Now, call Tara and let’s get this party started right and quickly.
image from WWTDD.com

Player of the Week:
Um, did Tony Soprano just go all Burning Man on us this past Sunday? Who decided it was OK to send Tony into the desert to eat Peyote with Vegas stripper? Is this how the family is going to fall apart? Is Tony going to end up in orange faux fur pants, spinning glowsticks at dawn, shouting “PLUR” from the rooftop of Bada Bing’s? WTF?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 15th, 2007 at 11:46 am and is filed under Hater Tuesday. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.