Hater Tuesday

Hipsters Love The Worst Shit:

thou shall not read and record pretentious self-important ramblings and call them songs just so you can post them on youtube in attempts to get laid (finally!) by girls who are dumb enough to think you are on the road to fame and believe you are “blunt and honest, yet quippy and political”
thou shalt remember “King Missle” and reflect upon thier decent into obscurity
thou shall come not consider yourself smarter just because you have a british accent. in reality it makes you sound like an asshole.
thou shall not wear one’s beard like that unless you are hasidic and you live in williamsburg and there is no irony implied.
thou shall not trust someone named Le Sac.

thou shall not attempt to rock out while turning a nob on a machine to modify a song that you did not write. you are not blowing my mind with your solo, you are making me angry with your noise.
thou shall kill your dreams of being the next “Girl Talk” and go back to your day job as IT man for that insurance firm where your Aunt Lucy works.

thou shall not attempt to rap or tell me about hip-hop and what’s happened to it.

American Apparel Ads:

I’m all for nudity and overt sexuality in advertising campaigns. Why not? Sex sells. I know that. I’m no retard. But I’ve got to draw the line somewhere. I appreciate that AA is trying to do the ladies a solid by developing more ads with dude parts, but this is not really what I like to see. This works more for the gays who like it hairy, but even for those gays this dude a lil on the scrawny side. Also his junk looks wierd. I don’t like wierd junk. Unless they got Christian Ronaldo I don’t want to see any more of these ads.

Hella Biting:

Look at these fucking biters. Thug E Fresh wrote the Hella Rap to end all Hella Raps in fucking 2001 on I Can’t Rap. Get learned. While your there click Stripper Party — fools who shall not be named jacked that idea too. Fuckerz.

While we are talking about biters I feel like it’s time I called out the Onion who has been biting my steel-o and now has a column online and in the paper called The Hater I challenge this bitch to a hate off. I’m deeep in this hate game. I’ve been hating way before she dipped into her metallic Scrabble bag and pulled out those 8 tiles and photoshopped her cute little banner. Oh and that shit about Shadenfreude — I used that shit too already — back in 2005. Pish.

I don’t have a player of the week today because Im too pissed off about biters. I’m also pissed because I don’t have enough time to sit down and write things like this. This shit is awesome. The diagrams alone changed my week.

I want to get this on some business cards and start passing them out to fools on the daily.