There are few things that I hate more than sloppy, gross eaters. Food is a necessity, but it should also be a delicious and nuturing experience. Lord knows we all get busy, I’ve certainly eaten my fair share of meals-on-the-go, but you will never catch me eating food that is not approriate for someone on-the-go or eating in an ill situation. Check out your boy up here — this fool officially takes the crown for Most Ill Eating Habits Ever.
Allow me to narrate — what you see here is a man in his late 30s (read: knows better) standing at the deli counter at Safeway. He’s ordering a sandwich (normal activity) and he’s got a huge salad (that he’s yet to pay for) sitting in front of him. The woman making his sandwich had literally just finished spreading mayo on one half of the bread when dude announces rather loudly, “What is taking you so long? Damn, isn’t there anyone back there that actually knows how to make a sandwich? You got the turkey right? I want turkey” As he gets to “you got the tur-” part of his sentence he rips open the salad container and starts shoveling Rowandan refuge sized bites of iceburg into his mouth while he continues to speak to the woman, “-key right? I want tur-ff-mmkey” As he continues to chomp down on the (unpaid for) salad right on top of the deli counter “sneeze-gaurd” barking out criticisms, little chunks of food fly out of his mouth on to the “sneeze-guard” and over it onto the sandwich prep area and right onto the lady’s sleeve. Needless to say it was at this moment I decided NOT to get a sandwich.
Dude continues to eat his salad like it’s nothing and be generally assholish. At one point, between berating the woman and devouring his salad he turns to me (now pretending to sniff out ripe bananas so I can watch the rest go down) and gives me one of those “Can you believe this shit?” type faces. I gave him one of my signature looks of disgust and went back to my bananas. No way am I co-signing on that attitude. Finally, the sandwich is finished (honestly it was not taking any longer than any usual sandwich making i’ve experienced), the dude grabs it hella fast, smushing it to shit in his claw of a hand and then continues to the check out stand all the while eating his salad paying little attention to the mess he’s dropping along the way.
Of course I follow him. He gets to the counter and there is exactly one person in line ahead of him who is half-way through her transaction. Dude immediately starts mouthing off to the clerk saying “Listen, this salad is open. Im eating it…” The clerk tries to ignore him as she’s encouraging the current customer to donate a dollar to MS or some shit. Dude immediately raises his voice and repeats himself since old girl isn’t really paying attention him. She looks at him and responds “Im with a customer right now, we are almost done here then Im more than happy to address your issue” which is a very diplomatic response considering she’s about to be giving him attention in about 2 seconds. Roughly 2 seconds later, she is face to face with Salad Man, who is now on full dick mode. She greets him cordially and reaches for his salad to scan it, this is when it gets ill. Salad Man holds onto the salad with a Vulcan Death Grip and then says “LIS-TEN, THIS -SAL-AD IS O-PEN, I AM EAT-ING IT” in the way you would address someone with mental illness or retardation. The clerk keeps it surprisingly together and says “I see that sir. I’m trying to help you pay for it, if you don’t give it to me I can’t scan it. How do you suggest we handle this” The dude looks at her, looks at me and then looks at the salad and says, “I want you to scan this and this bullshit sandwich so that I can finish my lunch and go back to work, do you think you can handle that? If not then maybe we should call a manager. The people in your deli are incompetent, I guess it’s a storewide problem”
I was appalled that he would speak to someone like that. Sure Im a hater, but Im not rude. There is no excuse for rudeness especially with people you don’t know. I don’t care how hungry you are or how long you have been waiting. You treat people with respect unless they give you a reason to act otherwise. As she checked him through, I let out a loud sigh of disgust and then made a point to say rather loudly, “What an asshole” as he walked away — he didn’t hear me but that was probably because all he could hear was the sound of crunching lettuce in his head. Because of course he immediately tore back into the salad AND the sandwich as he walked away.
Moral of story is dont be a dick and for god’s sake people if you are hungry and don’t have time to sit down and eat something that requires sitting then get something portable like a smoothie or a piece of fruit or some trail mix - not a fucking salad with dressing. A good rule of thumb– if it drips, is hot, requires condiments (hot dogs included) or requires utensils sit the fuck down for 2 minutes and eat that shit. Walking and using a fork is not cool people. Not cool at all.
Britney Spears:
I’ve been waiting for this moment since she first showed up on the cover of Rolling Stone in that polka dotted bikini back in ‘99. I knew at that moment that one day she would unravel at the seams and we would all get a peek into the sad confused girl that’s been shaped and molded into a “teen sex pot” and then sold to the highest bidder. Hater Tuesday reader Cockzilla was there that day. I professed in his apartment by using a marker to draw a comic book thought bubble pointing to her mouth that read “I will be knocked up, in rehab and/or have an affinity for balls on my face by the time I’m 20” or something close to that.
Sadly, all this head shaving and rehab in and out crap is making Federline look like an alright dude for putting up with such a fucking nutbag. Let’s face it, Britney is 2 dead babies and a TrimSpa sponsorship away from following in the footsteps of Anna Nicole. I always thought I’d be more excited when the shit hit the fan but Im not. I guess it’s like when I’m pouring cream into my coffee and I know there isn’t enough room but I do it anyway thinking to myself, “this is gonna spill” and it does. It’s just like that. I think. Wait? What?
Two More Reasons I Will Always Love Tara Reid
First there is this and then there is this — they are both magical and awesome:
NOW WITH VIDEO!!!
Tara, your invitation to Gurp City is open ended. Don’t be afraid to call. We love and need you.
February 20th, 2007 at 10:59 pm
You are a better person than I. I would have had to say some shit to that salad pig, which would have resulted in NOTHING good.
Is Britney expecting the return of Hale Bopp? I don’t get the shaved head.
I wish Tara would come to Gurp City. She would be so much fun.
February 21st, 2007 at 12:01 pm
I must find and maim this perpetrator. Can’t have no doppelganger (particularly one with such rotten posture) running around misrepresenting like that. I’m on it.
February 21st, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Tara Reid is something else that one should not eat on the go. Talk about a mess.
February 21st, 2007 at 6:07 pm
While I fail to see the correlation with this week’s hateree myself, I still feel the need to share my supermarket hate from earlier this week.
Not sure if Safeway’s got ‘em yet, but here on the right side Stop’n'Shop has these high-tech, self-service, scanner aisles so that anti-social pricks like myself don’t have to be bothered with making eye contact with strangers they care nothing about. At my local Stop’n'Shop there’s 5 of these aisles, 2 of them having large signs disclaiming 12 ITEMS OR LESS.
This past week, not once, but twice, I get stuck at the ONE express lane available because some prick decides they need to push a cart filled heaping through the other 12 ITEMS OR LESS aisles. The first time, I just glared and grumbled. The second time I told the guy’s 8 year old daughter that she should help her dad learn to read (loud enough for him to hear of course) while pointing at the sign directly in front of his face.
Was that an appropriate situation to be rude to strangers?
February 22nd, 2007 at 1:38 pm
spun- that is totally an acceptable situation to be rude…also well played use of a kid to convey the diss - that is truly gangster.
February 26th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
Fresno killed Brittany. I have proof….It lies in the Bullard high School Yearbook from 1990.
K-Fed is my high-school homie.
No Fucking Joke.
I thought it was a rumor but when a rumor doesn’t go away…..so I called my friend in NYC and his mother tracked down an old high school yearbook. There it was. Sure as my shit is huge, K-Fed went to my high school. I’ve always been ashamed of Fresno, but this really did it.
Brittany is a victim of a condition I call Fresno over-exposure, or by it’s more commonly held name, Felched by the Devil.. I’m sure a few of you on this list can attest to the fact that even the slightest exposure to the bowel of America known as Fresno, can molest your soul.
I’m sorry Brit. I should have known long ago, when you appeared in my RS in that mini-skirt with your brother looking at you with that come-here-and-fuck-me-I-don’t-care-you’re-my-sister look, that Fresno would eventually get you.
February 27th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
“hmmmm-nmm-turn around…hmmnn-hmm-hmmmnn…EVERY NOW AND THEN I FALL APART! turn around…hhmm naaam hmm…”
Totally Tara. Totally.
February 27th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
Taaaarrrrraaaaa!
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