Ladies and Gentlemen Its Hater Tuesday….
Kitchen in the Building:
“Oh wow, you guys have a full kitchen in the building! That’s cool,” is one of the most common sentences I hear from people who are visiting our office building for the first time. I always smile and nod, sometimes even going as far to say”Yes we do, it’s cool” but really it’s the opposite of cool. I never cook in there because A. It’s a germ factory down there the fridge is filled with foul ass rotting organic yogurt and other random “all natural” items B. Im fucking working, I don’t have time to make a grilled cheese or whip up stir fry in the middle of the damn day. I go get lunch like a normal person. Truth be told, I wish we didn’t have a kitchen in the building because then I wouldn’t have to deal with the smell of overcooked scrambled eggs, fishy fish sauce or burned toast — all of which I smell more or less on a weekly basis. Im amazed that people still don’t understand that this joint has central heat and air which means: if you burn toast on the first floor everyone in the fucking building can smell it.
Hip San Francisco Cafes - I’ve come to the conclusion that my own personal hell is located on the corner of 20th and Alabama. All I want is sweet strong coffee. Why do I have to wade through hordes of dirty (yet ironically freshly showered) bike enthusiasts, strung out punkrockhippies, pretentious self important “art” students, aging ravers, lesbian blue grass enthusiasts and other obscure sub-cultures personified via terrible fashion choices, just to get a damn cup of coffee?
Breakfast Dates:
While sipping coffee at my own personal hell this weekend, I witnessed something I had never seen before. A breakfast date. Who the fuck goes on a breakfast date? Seriously? When was the last time you went on one? Wait let me answer for you — NEVER! Of course there are morning-after breakfast dates but that’s more of an excuse to make sure your booty call gets the fuck out so you can enjoy the rest of your day. Those don’t count. A breakfast date is a bold move. That’s like admitting that you have no intentions or interest in getting some (unless you are an advanced player but that’s on some whole other shit and trust me dude on the date was NOT advanced.) The two of them stirred around bowls of granola and yogurt (no im not kidding) and shared a glass of Yerba Mate (ugh) while they bored me with shitty get-to-know-you topics like “where did you grow up?” and “what kind of music do you listen to?” and so forth. Bor-ring. It was like being trapped in the worst episode of Blind Date ever.
Gavin Blaming The Booze For Dippin’ The Pen In Company Ink
To get some of you up to speed who don’t live in SF or just don’t give a fuck - our mayor, Gavin Newsom was called out for bashin’ up his former appointments secretary who was also the wife of his personal aide and re-election campaign manager. He admitted it was true, gave a statment and apologized. That should be the end of story but of course it’s not. Evidently, Gavin is “seeking treatment” for his alcohol abuse.
He maintains that his “problems with alcohol are not an excuse for my personal lapses in judgment” but he does want us to know that he’s “seeking treatment” which is different than going to rehab. Um, okay.
Don’t blame the booze Gavin. Let’s face the facts here, you are a young, attractive, wealthy man in power. That means a wide variety of eager and power hungry hoes are going to holler. It’s your job as mayor to keep it in your pants or at least be careful about where you stick your junk.
You started off in this game married. Unfortunately you were married to a fellow player who had her eye on her own hustle. You my friend were a well played piece in her game. I’m sure it stung a little bit to see her go but let’s face it - that was the best shit to ever happen to you. Come on dude you know that upped your game like mad. Everyone thought the divorce was going to hurt you, but it didn’t, which proves my point. No one really cares who you are smashing (or not smashing) on as long as it don’t fuck with city business and doesn’t involve crack or children or kittens. Passive-aggressively blaming booze for your lack of player-aforethought ain’t tight at all. What did booze ever do to you? It gets you drunk, gets you laid (obviously), helps the pain go away, ect. All great things. So my advice is leave the booze out of it and refocus on your pimp strategies.
Lucky for you, I am skilled in the area of game. I’ve helped countless players, aspiring players and regular average joes get thier game back. In some circles, I’m known as the “Tony Robbins” of game spitting. I digress — on with the advise:
As I mentioned, there are a lot of sneaky bitches in this world who are going to want to get over on some of that politician ass. So be smart and date someone who’s more famous than you or so homely that everyone thinks you are the man for taking in a lost dog. My suggestion would be the former. Dump that marginal ho you’re hitting now (evidently, she’s some sort of actress. I know this because the press keeps inserting the word “actress” before her name because when we see the name we all go “Who?“) and get with some real flashy game. This is not a good look. I hear that broad Sienna Miller is pretty easy - she doesn’t even wear pants - and everyone still loves and talks about her. Think about it.
Player of the Week:
This is sooo San Francisco. A Prius adorned with handmade protest posters is parked on every block. This one however is just too fucking much. Peep out the amendments dude has made to his goals “Troops Home By Christmas 2006 — NO 2007 — NO 2008″ This fool has probably had this “Elect Kucinich” hype on his car since 2004. Since his hippy ass is so busy fighting the good fight (read too lazy to take that shit off his ride) the sign is now actually useful again (not that Kucinich is going to actaully be a vaild Presidential Candidate) all he had to do was pencil in 2008 on that bitch. Now that’s recycling at work! I had to put this player up because he ain’t taking no for an answer. Get those troops home dammit!
February 8th, 2007 at 5:26 am
The East Coast runs on Dunkin… or Doughnut Inn… or any other of a variety of coffee jockeying quick-emarts. I haven’t stepped inside a hip cafe in years. And that’s fine.
February 8th, 2007 at 11:41 am
Hating on the Atlas, sheesh. Yeah the clientele can be incredibly pretentious, and the service is spotty (when that dude with the glasses is working, I just leave). But where the hell else are we supposed to go to read the paper and drink some coffee? You know what’s worse than packed Mission hipster cafes? Empty Mission hipster cafes, those fools are hell of bitter and their bagels are stale. At least the food at the Atlas is good.
One thing though, they used to let the kitchen staff run the CD player once in a while, which is how I got to know the awesome Mexican band Mana. Nowadays it’s like the irony party, like a whole album of cats singing Christmas songs. Not cool.
February 8th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
spun — im amazed by the east coast’s facsination with dunkin’ donuts coffee. ive never had a cup of it because out here you couldnt pay me to drink quickie mart coffee. i had coffee from 711 once and i spent the whole day on the shitter. it’s like motor oil.
big i - hey i didn’t name names. i have respect. but i guess its not hard to figure out what im talking about. food is good at atlas - no doubting that — as is the coffee — its just too much for me there. im like a gentle bird - i need open space and freedom to roam and not run into someone with double cheek piercings and rainbow knee socks in the mornings. i guess that’s why for the most part i drink coffee at home and toast my own bagels. its easier for everyone that way. oh and the music — ughhhh.
oh also MANA is AWESOME.
February 8th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
I’ve always thought of you more like a little wobbly-kneed woodland faun, flitting through the forest with nary a care in the world. It’s kind of like that time I saw a plastic bag floating in the wind, you’re beautiful like that.
What’s wrong with naming names? It’s not like the Atlas staff are going to come after you and make you listen to Hot Chip.
I was into the rainbow socks chick, but she was def not trying to hear my manly good looks.
February 8th, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Dunkin donuts coffee is yummy.
I love that part about taking your one night stand to breakfast so you can enjoy the rest of your day. We pull up to the house, I give him a hug and say thanks for breakfast, i’ll call ya later. He’s not even allowed back in.
thank god for hater tuesday. today is hater thursday for me, and reading this shit made me feel like everything is all right in the world. thanks.
February 8th, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Breakfast Date? You should have followed either of them into the bathroom and pushed them into the toilet. The only breakfast date i make is with a little hair of the dog.
February 8th, 2007 at 6:18 pm
Have you noticed that people with tons of (or even one) left-leaning bumper sticker on their car drive like fucking assholes? Almost makes me want to vote republican. Shitheads.
February 8th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
big i - i dare them to come and find me and make me listen to hot chip. i fucking dare them. ill mame them all one by one with my tiny woodland fawn hoof. you were into rainbow socks chick but as you said she was way too into the bluegrass.
mle - i knew you would appreciate my breakfast comments.
cocks — sometimes i just like to type cocks. thats all.
brizz - thats why i dont drive anymore. they drive like shitheads because they can’t see out of the blindspot because all those dumb ass stickers are blocking important shit like oncoming traffic, cars in the lane next to them and things like signal lights don’t even work because they are too cheap to get them fixed or feel like hand signals are more organic..the blinking light and sound really bums them out man.
February 9th, 2007 at 7:55 am
girl, you are on a roll. Newsom is my personal ‘Player of the Week’.
February 10th, 2007 at 10:11 am
My personal player of the week would be Frederic von Anhalt–now THAT is on some hustle shit!
Newsome is wasting valuable opportunity on a b-grade local “Actress” when he could be JFK’n it all over the Bay Area.
After a year in Boston, I finally tried Dunkin Donuts, and it was ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD which is funny because the only other DD I knew of was across the street from Armijo HS in Fairfield (which for those who don’t know is on the corner of Never Finished HS Blvd. and Now I Sell Crack St.)
L - Until you’ve lavished in the redicu-hippy-lousness that is Eugene OR, you’ve not really lived my dear. Although SF is good for its trendy-above-average-income-topic-of-the-day hippies, Eugene is where they come to flourish. A sweet combination of legal hitch-hiking on I-5, extremely liberal city council, above average per capita homeless shelters and a life size statue of Ken Kesey create a sickening aroma of burnt eggs and fishy fish sauce all throughout my days central air.
Good to have you back.
February 10th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Spun is right, on the east coast, convenience store coffee rules. I myself rotate between Dunkin and Wawa (the best convenience store in the world). Wawa even has some of that fancy coffee from Africa or South America or where ever with names I can’t pronounce. And it’s only $1.15 for a 16oz, compared to $4 at Starbucks or at my area’s fancy cafe, Bucks County Coffee Company.
February 12th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
Wamu has the best coffee.
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