Hater Tuesday

Hyde in LA: These mutherfuckers denied the awesome Tara Reid entrance but let in skank factory Paris? WTF? Don’t you know how to make your club awesome? Everyone in the US Of Freakin’ A has been waiting for a drunken Tara Reid come back and these assholes deny her entrance thusly keeping her away from the booze and a potential bitch slap from Paris? Bad move door guy. Bad move. I can’t believe this crap. It’s a freakin’ travesty. Am I going to have to single handidly get her back on the booze train? Dude. Don’t make me do it. Once I get my mind on something I usually accomplish it. New life mission = Find Tara and bring her back to the light. Oh and buy her a new hot iron — her shit looks fuuuuucked. Oh also throw out ALL her blazers. Blazers on busty women make you look all square on top. Duh. But don’t worry baby — I still love you Tara square tits and all.

Critical Mass: One less car. If I see that sticker one more time this week I am going to scream. I saw a sticker not too long ago that read “One less bike.” and it ruled. I tried to take a picture but it was too dark. Okay so it wasn’t dark, I was just drunk and operating my camera phone seemed a bit more complicated than usual. Shit kept coming out blurry even though neither I or the car was moving. Okay, so maybe I was swaying a little bit. I was drunk. Shit. You try and stand still after about 4 Choppers* What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Critical Mass. I thought it was just hippy ass SF that enables and endorses this kind of bullshit but evidently it’s an “unorganized coincidence” a global movement. The jist is a bunch of bike fags get on thier fucking “fixies” and then fuck up everyone’s couch by riding en masse through the city of San Francisco at rush hour. They block entire intersections with shit loads of bike riders forcing traffic to stop as they continue forth with thier righteous display of non-driving. They dress up hella lame a la Burning Man and decorate their bikes and shit too. It’s basically an exuse to wear a pink thong and blast “Eye Of The Tiger” on the radio fueled by potatoes and magic crystals they grew next on thier window sills. It happens a few times a year and always goes past my office. This year I took it to the streets - took pics and yelled “GET A CAR HIPPIES” which is funny because I don’t even have a car or want one. In fact, I am not against riding bikes or saving the environment I just hate dumb righteous assholes. For the record, every fucking fixed gear head I’ve met thinks they are the fucking shit because they don’t have breaks and they ride a bike in the city. Oh also when I’m dead ass tired on a Friday night, trying to get to Serrano’s for a slice — I do NOT like to be delayed.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:

Once again Thug E. Fresh proves he is the boss of all bosses on the internet grind with this little gem here. It is NOT safe for work so be careful. It’s hard out here for a pimp. The internet is the new street and this young entrepenuer is not going to get left behind. He is jumping on the digital pimp game. He’s looking for “some real money makers.” He wants you to know he “shines like diamonds” and invites you to “shine with him” Bottom line is “if you like dick and you like money” you should hit him. If that’s not convincing I don’t know what is.

*Jameson over rocks in a bucket glass with a Budwiser back. Learn it. Love it.

POPOZAAAAAAAAAO!
I dun care - that shit is still fun to say. I’m claiming it as new Bay slang.
This week is dedicated soley to Kevin Federline. Cause he earned it.

Comments in order as they came to me while watching this atrocity last night -

1. Um, when will Britney stop talking in baby voice?
2. Those are some serious extensions. Somewhere 4 ponies are crying into thier hay bails.
2.5 I can’t belive she just claimed him as “her man” now she can never say shit like “I knew it wouldn’t work out”
3. Piano???…Elton John better be here.
3.5 I’m sensing a disturbance in the force.
4. Hmm….maybe it’s me but two 12 year old rent-a-wiggas lip syncing does not a surprise intro make. I’m also not convinced that he didn’t father those children and that this isn’t some clever way to get around overdue child support.
5. “This is that hip-hop flava mixed with a little bit of rock-n-roll” Interesting cause it just sounds like shitty rap music. I don’t even hear rock -n- roll. I bet Ya Boy told him that including that made a better lyrical delivery.
6. OOOOoohhh surprise - it IS KFed at the piano. Now he’s going a capella to show us his dope cadence and flow. Too bad it’s not working. Thank god the beat just dropped in to distract me.
7. Isn’t he a dancer? Why is he standing around all dumb like that? He should be distracting me from his rapping with his dancing.
8. Dude this song is seriously all about how he got over on Britney and now he’s loaded — “Don’t hate because I’m a super star!” How can she co-sign on this shit when clearly she’s being mocked? Oh wait. She’s a fucking retard.
9. Wow I really need to google the lyrics to this crap. Thus far I’ve heard 3 references to his Farrari. Didn’t Brit re-po that shit?
10. “Never been to Denver but I wear them nuggets” AHAHAHAHAHAH
11. “FEDERATION RECORDS” — I don’t what’s more funny - the fact that there were 3 pages of pissed off posts on the siccness.net this AM talking shit about KFed naming his label “Federation Records” in order to dick ride the real Federation (not trying to defend him but his last name is FEDerline…get it, Federation? Federline?) or the fact that hella dudes on the siccness. net were at home last night watching the very un-gangsta Teen Choice Awards in lieu of ghostriding the whip at a side-show or just at home listening to the Federation.
12. Ohh here comes the dancing. No, wait, he just flips some dude over and does a wierd psuedo-Justin Timberlake head bob. Boorrrrring.
13. Great here come Tweedledee & Tweedle-we’re-not-dating-dum.
14. I want the last 5 minutes of my life back please.

Unfortunately no lyrics could be found. Im too lazy to transcribe them. Someone else do it and post in the comments — so we can further discuss his wackness.

Confusing Parking Notices:

Signs like this are why I don’t own or drive a car anymore. This sign is TOOMFC* you need a fucking decoder ring or one of those line of eye sight keys they used in the Goonies to line up those rock that led them to the restaurant, in order to make sense of this sign. Basically you shouldn’t park there ever unless you are a German tourist who could give two shits if you get an American parking ticket. Signs like this make me want to march right up to city hall and yell “THIS?? THIS, IS WHAT YOU ARE SPENDING MY TAX DOLLARS AND VALUBLE RESOURCES DEVELOPING? THIS FUCKING USELESS SIGN?” I don’t even want to think about how much time was spent discussing the parking options on this one block, let alone the time arguing about the chart design, or the manufacturing/ implementation of the signs. Seems to me a sign that reads “NO FUCKING PARKING” would make a lot more sense.

Scott Storch:
Storch is a douche. Nuff said. Spew your own reasons for hating Storch in the comments. Here are a few to get you started.

1. He’s a whiny bitch.
2. He tried to call out Christina Aguilera in last month’s Rolling Stone and she dissed his ass hard in this month’s.
3. He put his junk in Paris. Ewww.

Oh yeah, J Zone called and he wants his sneakers back. That’s an old pic but the joke is still funny. Well I guess it’s only funny if you are a rap nerd. In which case you should be rolling. Ron Ox the Incredible — I’m looking at you.

Message Board/Blog Nerds Who Write “FIRST!” on comment threads: If any of you fuckheads ever log in and start posting up that “FIRST” or worse “SECOND” bullshit prepare yourselves. I will log your ISP and then find out where you live. I will then dispatch a local Hater-At-Large to knock on your door, when you open it, he or she will punch you in the ear and yell “FIRST!” and then walk calmly away. No I’m not kidding.

Lionel Richie:
Hello? Is it me your looking for??? Nicole must be walking around the Richie mansion singing that shit because you sure as fuck can’t possibly visually recognize her see-thru ass. She used to be my second favorite of the OG whore trinity (Tara, Nicole, Paris in that order) but then Tara tried to clean up and they added Lohan, then Lohan realized she was better than those bitches and Paris and Nicole split up. Now the whole trinity of whore-dom is no more. It saddens me. Anyhoo - this disturbing shit is from thesuperficial.com - There are even more digusting ones there but this was the only one I could stomach long enough to copy code for. What I want to know is what the fuck is going on with Lionel? Where are you Lionel? Get this bitch on a food for shopping exchange fucking quick. Sure she’s off drugs now (supposedly) but she’s gonna die from malnutrition if she keeps swollowing air and carrying around massive Starbucks cups in lieu of food. No wonder she’s a cunt all the time - SHE IS STARVING and probably really, really horny. No one could possibly want to fuck that bag of bones. Look at her fucking legs - she’s so skinny she’s bow legged. Ew. Ew. Ew.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:

Player of the Week goes to whoever is in charge of this section at Zia Music in Tucson, AZ. I took this picture hella long ago and I don’t know if I ever shared it. I’m fairly certain it’s just a funny joke that Dio was previously filed next to Dion, Celine but whatever the case - this helpful notice made my day. Working in a record store sucks. Sure it sounds like fun, but it’s really just an excuse to not work somewhere like The Gap or Burger King. It holds more cred. It’s little things like this sign that keep employees happy — that and the “holier-than-thou” unsolicited music critism and ‘tude they can throw at customers — you can’t pull that shit at The Gap or BK. Imagine if you could though that shit would be funny.

Customer: “Um do you have those new skinny jeans?”
Gap Dude: Sigh, eye-roll “god, if one more person asks me for those today im going to scream. they are not even that cool. everyone is wearing them so i don’t like them…i only wear jeans that are from our original lines…if you want that mainstream crap you should go to Forever 21 or something they carry A LOT more of that stuff over there. but i guess if you want them they are over there”

Customer: “Do you think there will ever be a Chicken Fries combo WITH a burger, dude?”
BK Bitty: “Actually I have no idea, I just serve food we don’t design combos here, you should check the website to see when that is coming out…um also Chicken Fries are totally wack, only losers eat Chicken Fries.”

*totally out of muther fucking control