Hater Tuesday

I fucking love living in America. Here are just a few reasons why -

Religous Freedom: Promises of “Free Stress Tests” must not be working for the Church of Scientology anymore. They’ve resorted to appealing to Americans the only effective way - through our fat fucking bellies. This is the Church of Scientology in North Beach. Mutherfuckers had a BBQ set up right next to the door and the stack of L. Ron Hubbard books. Too bad them fools were missing the essential ingredient to a successful BBQ - BEER! Oh and promising rides on Tom Cruise’s space ship would be tight too.

America’s Got Talent: This show should be called “America’s Got A Bunch Of Stupid Assholes” I thought this was a comedy sketch when I first started watching. I really, truly thought it was a clever and hilarious parody of American Idol because the set up was essentially the same - snooty arrogant Brit, vapid washed up songstress with remnants of a career holding on by a thread and uh, uh well David Hasslehoff. Then I saw Regis. I don’t even know where to begin with this piece of shit. It’s like one part Price is Right, one part Gong Show, one part Star Search, one part Family Fued and hella parts American Idol. The judges banter is IDENTICAL to American Idol. If someone is stinkin’ up the stage the judges give them a “X” - three X’s and your out. If you make it all the way through you get “judged” by the aforementioned people who have such great taste and experience. They decide if you are worthy to move forward to win a million bucks. Boring. Boring. The “talent” ranges from fucked up human tricks to 12 year old soul singers and everything in between. I don’t know who green lighted this but seriously, it should be taken off the air. I can’t believe someone invested coin in that garbage.

Fergie Ferg: If you’ve been a long time reader of Hater Tuesday you proabably know I loathe Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas. Really. A lot. Fergie irratates me on a level that words cannot explain. She is a symbol of all that is wack in this world musically and otherwise. Her face and her voice are like fingernails on a chalk board. If I had one celeb I could kick in the cunt and not get arrested for doing so, it would be Fergie. Hands down. I would videotape it, put it on Youtube and watch it everyday.

Oh-kay so, with that said, when I read this on Cake and Ice Cream I became instantly livid. She’s putting out a solo album. So now we can hear even more of her deeply motivating and inspirational lyrics on her new track “London Bridge.” She’s added some new Fergisms that make the lyrical content of “My Lumps” seem like excerpts from Aesop’s Fables (”Im such a lady, but I’m dancin’ like a ho..”) There is a link over there at Cake and Ice Cream you should listen to - but be prepared, shit is beyond wack. She, um raps? I say raps? Like that, with a question mark, because it’s so fucking tired. I want to send a memo to female vocalists of the world to let them know that talking quickly in a “urban inflection” doesn’t mean you are rapping (Nelly Furtado that means you). Also adding the first syllable of your name to the end of your name does not an instant rapper make. Period. No excuses. It’s not cute nor is paying homage to previous hip-hop masters. You are playing yourself.

Her track is insulting. She’s managed to bite every single female performer who’s released a track in the past two years. She bites MIA, Lady Sov, Missy, Gwen even wack ass, Nelly Furtado on her vocal performance. The beat is a massive bite too - it’s like they took the Pharrell marching band drums from Holla Back, the squashed horns and bass line from Gold Digger and put a few hand claps through it and called it a day. The is officially the worst song of the year. I was my hands of it.

Now for some real dissing - peep out the mutherfucking press shots. I don’t know who her stylist is but they might want to reconsider the shorts, the hair and the make up. Bitch looks robotic — she has dead eyes. It’s fucking creepy. Someone might also want to call her a manicurist - peep her fucking pinky nail in this shot. Make sure you zoom in. As one Hater at Large commented - “IT’S A TOENAIL! ON HER HAND!”

Snickers Instant Def Campaign: While I am filled with contempt for BEP I might as well address this garbage. Someone over at Snickers, yes Snickers..the candy bar, decided that they needed to up thier appeal to the urban demographic. What a better way to do it than to spend millions of dollars on a bullshitty completely unrelated partnership with BEP. Will someone please explain to me how and why this is supposed to make me buy a Snickers bar? Please? Let me save you some time and break it down right quick.
BEP is featured in a 5 part mini-movie as a group of activists come mutant super heros avenging “real hip-hop.” The mutant powers, loosely based on the four elements of hip-hop, were developed after an accident at the Snickers factory. Once armed with thier new mutant powers BEP proceeds to fuck up Boo-T records and save hip-hop.
Yes. Save hip-hop. I hope you see the irony here…The first episode starts off with this dialog, “Boo-T Records has hijacked hip-hop, they don’t care about the culture. They only care about the almighty dollar bill, problem is we the only cats protesting.” It then cuts to Fergie Ferg acting hella black delivering the lines, “Don’t be fooled by Boo-T, stay with the real hip-hop. Keep it authentic” It then introduces a midget named Mista LP, the un-real hip-hop gold teeth, crunk cups, furs, pimp hats, icey chains ect. Meanwhile BEP represents the “real hip-hop” you know old school fades, boom boxes, dookie gold chains, wack white girls from the midwest pretending to be from the Bronx. Shit proceeds to get worse and worse I couldn’t make it to episode three because I was so filled with rage and evidently my computer was equally offended by the content because Firefox quit on that bitch cold.

Bottom line is - this is single handedly the worst co-branding ever seen. I am offended deeply that BEP thinks they are real hip-hop and that Snickers thinks Im stupid enough to buy into this shit and their definition of “real hip-hop”. I hereby vow to never eat a Snickers bar again until they pull this bullshit.

Fucking fucks.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:

Honors go to this dude right fucking here - I tried to rotate the video but I didn’t have time so tilt your head until Thuggy Fresh fixes it.
I really hope you can see the awesomeness that is this week’s POTW. Big Max and I caught this dude moshing solo in a new updated style out at the SF Pound. His moves can only be described as a beautiful modern juxtopostion of shadowboxing, capoeria, traditional meat head moshing and gulp, breakdancing. It was magical to watch. I’ve never seen anything like it. God Bless him. Every inch.