Broads and Deans, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday…
I fucking love living in America. Here are just a few reasons why -
Religous Freedom: Promises of “Free Stress Tests” must not be working for the Church of Scientology anymore. They’ve resorted to appealing to Americans the only effective way - through our fat fucking bellies. This is the Church of Scientology in North Beach. Mutherfuckers had a BBQ set up right next to the door and the stack of L. Ron Hubbard books. Too bad them fools were missing the essential ingredient to a successful BBQ - BEER! Oh and promising rides on Tom Cruise’s space ship would be tight too.
America’s Got Talent: This show should be called “America’s Got A Bunch Of Stupid Assholes” I thought this was a comedy sketch when I first started watching. I really, truly thought it was a clever and hilarious parody of American Idol because the set up was essentially the same - snooty arrogant Brit, vapid washed up songstress with remnants of a career holding on by a thread and uh, uh well David Hasslehoff. Then I saw Regis. I don’t even know where to begin with this piece of shit. It’s like one part Price is Right, one part Gong Show, one part Star Search, one part Family Fued and hella parts American Idol. The judges banter is IDENTICAL to American Idol. If someone is stinkin’ up the stage the judges give them a “X” - three X’s and your out. If you make it all the way through you get “judged” by the aforementioned people who have such great taste and experience. They decide if you are worthy to move forward to win a million bucks. Boring. Boring. The “talent” ranges from fucked up human tricks to 12 year old soul singers and everything in between. I don’t know who green lighted this but seriously, it should be taken off the air. I can’t believe someone invested coin in that garbage.
Fergie Ferg: If you’ve been a long time reader of Hater Tuesday you proabably know I loathe Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas. Really. A lot. Fergie irratates me on a level that words cannot explain. She is a symbol of all that is wack in this world musically and otherwise. Her face and her voice are like fingernails on a chalk board. If I had one celeb I could kick in the cunt and not get arrested for doing so, it would be Fergie. Hands down. I would videotape it, put it on Youtube and watch it everyday.
Oh-kay so, with that said, when I read this on Cake and Ice Cream I became instantly livid. She’s putting out a solo album. So now we can hear even more of her deeply motivating and inspirational lyrics on her new track “London Bridge.” She’s added some new Fergisms that make the lyrical content of “My Lumps” seem like excerpts from Aesop’s Fables (”Im such a lady, but I’m dancin’ like a ho..”) There is a link over there at Cake and Ice Cream you should listen to - but be prepared, shit is beyond wack. She, um raps? I say raps? Like that, with a question mark, because it’s so fucking tired. I want to send a memo to female vocalists of the world to let them know that talking quickly in a “urban inflection” doesn’t mean you are rapping (Nelly Furtado that means you). Also adding the first syllable of your name to the end of your name does not an instant rapper make. Period. No excuses. It’s not cute nor is paying homage to previous hip-hop masters. You are playing yourself.
Her track is insulting. She’s managed to bite every single female performer who’s released a track in the past two years. She bites MIA, Lady Sov, Missy, Gwen even wack ass, Nelly Furtado on her vocal performance. The beat is a massive bite too - it’s like they took the Pharrell marching band drums from Holla Back, the squashed horns and bass line from Gold Digger and put a few hand claps through it and called it a day. The is officially the worst song of the year. I was my hands of it.
Now for some real dissing - peep out the mutherfucking press shots. I don’t know who her stylist is but they might want to reconsider the shorts, the hair and the make up. Bitch looks robotic — she has dead eyes. It’s fucking creepy. Someone might also want to call her a manicurist - peep her fucking pinky nail in this shot. Make sure you zoom in. As one Hater at Large commented - “IT’S A TOENAIL! ON HER HAND!”
Snickers Instant Def Campaign: While I am filled with contempt for BEP I might as well address this garbage. Someone over at Snickers, yes Snickers..the candy bar, decided that they needed to up thier appeal to the urban demographic. What a better way to do it than to spend millions of dollars on a bullshitty completely unrelated partnership with BEP. Will someone please explain to me how and why this is supposed to make me buy a Snickers bar? Please? Let me save you some time and break it down right quick.
BEP is featured in a 5 part mini-movie as a group of activists come mutant super heros avenging “real hip-hop.” The mutant powers, loosely based on the four elements of hip-hop, were developed after an accident at the Snickers factory. Once armed with thier new mutant powers BEP proceeds to fuck up Boo-T records and save hip-hop.
Yes. Save hip-hop. I hope you see the irony here…The first episode starts off with this dialog, “Boo-T Records has hijacked hip-hop, they don’t care about the culture. They only care about the almighty dollar bill, problem is we the only cats protesting.” It then cuts to Fergie Ferg acting hella black delivering the lines, “Don’t be fooled by Boo-T, stay with the real hip-hop. Keep it authentic” It then introduces a midget named Mista LP, the un-real hip-hop gold teeth, crunk cups, furs, pimp hats, icey chains ect. Meanwhile BEP represents the “real hip-hop” you know old school fades, boom boxes, dookie gold chains, wack white girls from the midwest pretending to be from the Bronx. Shit proceeds to get worse and worse I couldn’t make it to episode three because I was so filled with rage and evidently my computer was equally offended by the content because Firefox quit on that bitch cold.
Bottom line is - this is single handedly the worst co-branding ever seen. I am offended deeply that BEP thinks they are real hip-hop and that Snickers thinks Im stupid enough to buy into this shit and their definition of “real hip-hop”. I hereby vow to never eat a Snickers bar again until they pull this bullshit.
Fucking fucks.
PLAYER OF THE WEEK:
Honors go to this dude right fucking here - I tried to rotate the video but I didn’t have time so tilt your head until Thuggy Fresh fixes it.
I really hope you can see the awesomeness that is this week’s POTW. Big Max and I caught this dude moshing solo in a new updated style out at the SF Pound. His moves can only be described as a beautiful modern juxtopostion of shadowboxing, capoeria, traditional meat head moshing and gulp, breakdancing. It was magical to watch. I’ve never seen anything like it. God Bless him. Every inch.
July 3rd, 2006 at 7:46 pm
You are right about Fergie. Is her London Bridge her tongue that comes out every time the guy comes around because she wants to blow him? Poor Stace. Curious to see who buys this. I want to add her to my TiVo to see if she performs it anywhere.
July 3rd, 2006 at 8:31 pm
fuckin scientologists- i’m sure their internet watchdog has already put you on their shit list for this. watch out. they are capable of the greatest evil.
and fergiebot’s ring is fucking atrocious. apparently she doesn’t use her left hand to wipe her ass- fucking infidel.
July 4th, 2006 at 2:49 pm
Are you sure you didn’t just capture footage of some incredibly fucked up real life version of the monsters from Silent Hill?
July 4th, 2006 at 2:50 pm
Also, while America’s got Talent may be awful dreck, it is most definitely not unwatchable. Nothing like sitting down for a nice hour of failure.
July 5th, 2006 at 9:17 am
Boo-T Records has hijacked hip-hop, they don’t care about the culture. They only care about the almighty dollar bill,
You mean like, for instance, endorsing products like candybars? Like that?
My hatred runs too deep for words.
July 5th, 2006 at 2:09 pm
scientology….it’s the only religion (sic) that allows for happy ending at the massage parlor, or at least little jonny travolta thinks so. rumor has it, he’s been banned from the massage parlor at one of the top resorts on the left coast for demanding the happy ending because of his celeb status. too bad the resort handles more than it’s share of celebs and the scientology buck is not needed to stay in biz. not only was he denied, but rumor has it he’s been given the lifetime ban. ouch! i wonder if tommy has this problem……
July 5th, 2006 at 2:11 pm
fergie looks like a trucker-fucker in that picture. you know the toothless road-whores who make a living working the truck-stop-hand-job circuit. looks like she is ready to be turned out.
July 6th, 2006 at 11:21 am
The hair. My lord. Did you see InStyle, they did an article about singers and their idol-legends. It was like Mary J and Chaka Khan, Christina Aguilera and Etta Jamens, Faith Hill and Aretha AND Fergie with Rita Marley. There’s gotta be some material there.
July 6th, 2006 at 3:44 pm
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME — Fergie saying Rita Marley is her idol? Jeeeebus. Her confused wack ho level just elevated like mad.
Faith HIll and Aretha is a little hard to swollow as well. But at least Faith doesn’t try and front. She knows who she is. Ol’ Stacey tho — she’s frontin’ hard.
July 10th, 2006 at 8:40 am
Lydia- Scientologists scare me. I just got back from the Clearwater area in Flordia and those creepy cult freaks have a HUGE center in downtown Clearwater. They all dress the same, in pleaded pants & long sleave button down shirts (made even weirder by the fact that it’s like 95 degrees down there right now), and the walk all over the mother fucking place with clip boards. They ALWAYS have clip boards. And they are EVERYWHERE. They swarm like motherfucking bees. They creep me out. I always want to yell something like “How’s Xenu?” or “Free Katie Holmes” or “Have you seen Suri?” at them, but I’m too much a pussy! I’m scared they’ll kidnap me and make me were those pleaded pants. Makes me shudder just to think about it.
August 12th, 2006 at 9:23 am
Sure, you hate Fergie, but I HATE Fergie. I’ve wanted to punch that drug addict Hacienda Heights trash ho in smack in the center of her face for the longest. I wish you would kick her in the cunt. I would tape it, upload it on YouTube, and watch it everyday. That bitch has no hump or lumps or anything else having to do with a womanly ethnic body figure. You wanna see hump & lumps (…oh…my…Gawd–I just realized that 14 years later, this is the sister song to McHammer’s “Pumps and the Bumps”. Shit.) look at Serena Williams for an example. Now THERE’S a hump for ya. How the hell old is she, anyway. Damn. My mom loks better than her. BEP saving Hip Hop? Ain’t that about a bitch and a half right there!? You know what? I’m stopping right here, beause I’ll just keep going. Hate on.
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