Hater Tuesday

Yes, that is American Idol winner Taylor “I’m 29, I swear” Hicks and Snoop “I got off the weed, but I’m back on again” Dogg sharing a stage. Evidently, Hicks joined Snoop this past weekend at a show in Birmington, AL. He jumped on stage for a very special version of “Gin and Juice” I’m sure we will have some mp3 floating around here pretty soon proving that Hicks is more than just a good Joe Cocker immitation - fool can rap too! I don’t really know how you’d work in a harmonica solo during “Gin and Juice” but I suppose anything is possible. I mean even Phish covered that song, poorly. It was never my favorite Snoop track but now it’s gonna have to be put on the bitchmade part of Snoop’s roster along with all those No Limit recordings. Times really must be tough in the LBC — why Snoop gotta go and do that? Performing with Hicks is NOT gangsta. Neither is that huge ass pot leaf ring.

The upshot is at least Hicks seems to “get it” when it comes to hip-hop. He said this about Snoop to some dudes at the local paper in Alabama, “Rap music has the most advanced lyricism there is. Rap is real; there’s nothing pretentious about it. I’m very excited about appearing with Snoop. I think it’s great.” Isn’t that nice? I mean I’m sure what he really means is “Listen, I’m down. Buy my records. Puh-lease. This is my last chance. I gotta make this whole American Idol thing work…I’m young, I’m hip. I performed with Snoop Dogg….See I AM 29!”

They could have at least performed an awesome rendition of “Fresh Pair Of Panties” now that’s something I could appreciate and it would win me over for life as a Hicks fan.

Road Rage Disorder:Intermittent explosive disorder my ass. Leave it to us Americans to come up with a bullshitty excuse for avoidable assholish behavior. We can’t even admit we are impatient assholes who can’t share the road without yelling profanity at each other when one of us does something retarded like slow down and then abrubtly turn without signalling? Let’s be real here. Some people don’t drive well. Other people are assholes. Those two things combined cause problems on the roads. Period. There is no such thing as intermittent explosive disorder. That shit isn’t even capitalized in this article. How can a disorder be real if it’s not capitalized? Huh? The statistics in this article are awesome and laughable. Peep it out. I think I need to fund a study to prove my theory that I am not simply a hater but a sufferer of Brutal Honesterxulimia. The symptoms include exhibiting obsessive need to speak the truth, call out bullshit and reguritate crass snide remarks at least 12-35 times a day. It can only be treated by purchasing and maintaing a website or by humiliating friends in private and in public with rude and derogitory or otherwise inappropriate remarks.

Christina Millan: Damn. Looks like even Def Jam couldn’t co-sign on her doll crotch having ass. Bitch got dropped. She turned down S.O.S? Ouuuuuch. That’s got to hurt. I bet she’s doing late night Cuban Santaria chants hexing Rhianna, Jay Z and Nick Cannon.

Tara Reid: Darling. Sweetie. Where are you? I miss you. I’m really pissed that you are semi-MIA these days. WTF? I haven’t seen or heard from you in monnnnnnnnnnnnths. Shit maybe a year. You should come visit us here in the Bay. I promise to give you a warm Gurp City welcome. I know at least 12 dudes that are ready to fill your gullet full of Cisco and What It Dos and then run a train on you…It will be fun. I promise. I’ve got film in the camera and we can make a big press splash including a hot diss track to rival Paris’ bullshitty single she dropped. You are the star baby. YOU! Call momma. Let’s do this!

Denise Richards and Robin Antin: Yes I jacked these from The Superficial. Get over it. Now on with the show…is it just me or is this shit horrifying? I thought Denise Richards was all butt hurt cause Charlie Sheen fucks whores (literally) and spends all his loot on coke and strippers? Didn’t she say some shit about wanting to be a family, blah, blah, blah…now she’s letting Robin Antin (Jonathan Antin of Jonathan Product and Blow Out starring Jonathan Antin’s sister) tramp her up? She looks so fucking wierd here. Well not so much wierd, more like a desperate coke whore. There is something really disturbing about her look. It’s super contrived. Usually after Robin gets her meat hooks into a starlet she at least looks Cabaret-ish and vampy. Denise looks awkward and really uncomfortable. Her outfit screams “take that Charlie…who’s a whore NOW, who’s a whore NOW! Look at my stomach. It’s fucking FLAT! I’ve had babies you know! EVERYONE WANTS TO FUCK ME! ME, I SAY!” But really she’s thinking…”i feel fat. my husband left me, when can i take off these gloves and this lame tiny tie? im starving all i’ve had to eat today is red lipstick! ” Poor girl. Look at the vein on her forehead in number too. That’s the hunger vein. It surface when skinny bitches need to eat…I need to give her a sandwich, get that swelling down. Then there is Robin Antin who I must give it up to for not getting face work. But on the real, she’s tired and probably should get something done up there or just start rocking face masks cause bitch is brrrrrrrrrrrrroke.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:

Sir Raves A Lot:
I saw this kid in the Cal Train station this past weekend and could barely contain my joy. Seeing him was like seeing a dinosaur or one of those rare flowers that only blooms at night but once a year. I didn’t even know they made rave kids anymore, especially young ones. Sure we all see aging German ravers but that’s standard bad taste. What we have here is a genuine new school raver committed to the scene. I don’t even know where to buy pants like that let alone a matching shirt. I wish you could see this kid’s eyes a little better. Trust me when I say he was on hurt status. Damn near comotose on a bench most likely trying to climb his way up out of a K-hole. There are not one, not two, not three, but four glow sticks firmly woven between his fingers and yes that is a matching homemade dayglo chocker around his neck. On his shirt there is a tiny 1/4 button that read something like “E is for Extacy” or some dumb shit. I took this pic pretending to find change in my purse. As you can see he was totally on to my first attempt using my patented “oh don’t mind me I’m just texting over here” I sorta wanted to go up and hug him, then whisper in his ear “Rave on you crazy diamond” But then again people coming down off K or E are really, really not that fun to be around and besides like all near extinct species, sometimes it’s better to just enjoy the beauty from a safe distance.

Lots and lots of shit to complain about this week

I Am Not Mapquest: I’ve always got an opinion and it’s also safe to say that people trust that opinion. I am honored my friends and cohorts trust me so. However, somewhere along the line people have begun mistaking me for Mapquest and Zagat’s. I say this because every motherfucker under the sun has decided that I am the person you call or text when you can’t find something or know where to eat. In the last month, I’ve received no fewer than 3-5 texts and or calls that were specifically related to directions going to, from or in and around the city of SF a week. I’ve also recieved 5 calls/texts related soley to food or entertainment in the last 2 weeks alone. While I’m down to help my friends there is a point where I must draw a line in the sand. I’m drawing it now. If you don’t know how to get here don’t fucking come or better yet get on a fucking computer and stop at a gas station and get a fucking map. If you are hungry eat at McDonald’s they are everywhere. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying I won’t offer suggestions just don’t call me in a spazzoid manner like “Uh, I’m in the city…where do I eat?” Cause guess what I’m gonna send you to the most rank place I know and tell you it’s bomb just to teach you a lesson. I’m too busy to deal with that sort of bullshit these days. Shit. I can barely update this site. So suck it and do for self.

KFC Bowls: Mashed potatoes, fried chicken, cheese AND gravy? You know shit is not cool when even gravy loving fat kids are like “Dude, cheese AND gravy? I dunno man, that sounds mainey” Every time I see this shit on TV, I think of the Patton Oswalt bit where he talks about Black Angus dinner specials. Personally, I think the bowls are KFC’s way of getting back at American’s for the whole “Low Carb” Atkins craze that fucked up their fiscal years of 2004 and 2005. Mutherfuckers not eating biscuts and demanding shit like wraps instead of a regular ol’ bun on that deep fried breaded chicken breast much have cost them mad loot. The bowl is their way of saying “That’s right you fat fuckers, you know you love fucking starches and carbs…come get them all in one big ass colon blocking bowl. It’s got gravy….and cheeeeeeeeese” This entire shit is literally all starches. I tried to download the nutritional info from the website but it kept stalling and freezing. Coincidence? I think not. That bowl is even giving the interweb pipes some blockage.

Weird Porn: Also before I get started these links are to pics that are NSFW, obviously. I personally don’t give a fuck if Sally from accounting catches you fucking off reading this site with dirty words and pics, but I don’t want your company to block HT, so I say that because I care about me. Not you. Back to my point……Yes girls look at porn. It’s true. Not all of us do but some of us indeed look at porn. Granted most of it is pretty dumb and pointless. Every once in a while there a gem comes along that really does it for me, but most times it’s like “eh that will do” More often than not I spend hella time wading through loads and loads (no pun intended) of really grotesque or unattractive men/women to reach that one gem. Admittedly, part of the fun in looking at porn is when you stumble across shit like this which is pretty funny but not hot, at all. What is this woman doing? Are there people out there that are like “DAMN! Finally a woman in her early 60s dressed up like a unicorn! Fuck I’m going to beat off so hard now!” Or you find something like this which made me laugh out loud and scream “ewwww take that off!” Followed shortly after by a double take and me thinking to myself “I probably dated this dude sometime between the years of ‘93 - ‘96” (those were my hippy years - gasp i know but it’s true) I don’t know who told him leaving that hat on was okay but they should be fired. While there is nothing wrong with being pink and potbellied, I just don’t feel it’s appropriate for mainstream porn.

Here’s my explanation of how this happened as I see it told by the participant -

SteveDave*: “Bros you will NEVER believe what happened to me on that last Phish tour. So I was in the lot right, just sippin on some Sammy Smith’s Oatmeal Stouts we were slangin’ ….we made bank on those, bro. Anyway dude, like I was saying…I was just sippin on my 22 checkin’ out the scene, I decided to stroll down towards Shakedown Street to see what I could trade for beers for ya know. So all of this sudden this hot chick is like “Hey your totally cute, wanna come to my van for a minute and smoke a bowl?” So I was like “Yeah I’m always down to roast with other kind family” We roll right to her van or whatever and on the way she’s like super forward talking about fucking and shit. She asks me if I have a big dick and like if I’ve ever had sex on camera and shit. I was trippin’ right. Then she just tells me straight out that Phishman is totally starting a porn business and that he wants to use Phisheads, like real ones in all the flicks. So she gives me backstage passes and says I can use them but only if I try out — do a test scene. So guess what bros…I TOTALLY FUCKED HER, on camera and everything. I’m not sure if I’m gonna be in a porn or not but how awesome right? Bro. Epic”

PLAYER(s) OF THE WEEK:

Mr. Sombrero formerly known as Mr. Neon Hat Guy:
I love this dude. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him and he’s changed his get up since the last time I saw him. I think this is his summer fit. Like any fashion innovator he’s taken the hot new fashion trends and worked them into his own personal wardrobe. Kanye could learn a lot about accessorizing from this dude. The sombrero is a stellar touch to the entire ensemble. The surgeon’s mask under the bandana is classic. It’s a throwback to that whole SARS Gucci mask trend of ‘02 -’03. His old look consisted of homemade shirts with ironic statements and a hat that said “I’ve Got A Question For You” scrawled in neon letters. The shirts too had neon letters and had actual questions scrawled on the back of them like “Are they watching us and how much will it cost to make them stop watching?” I’m feeling the new look.

Father Rick: Player of the Week honors go to Father Rick from the First National Church just over the freeway across from Dave’s Sports Bar. Father Rick sent me these moving photos of his recent missionary work outside the Circle K on the west side of Tucson. I don’t know if you realize the gravity of the situation that is going on over there. It’s truly sad. You see there are several homeless drunks that are forced to live beer-less in the god forsaken heat. Father Rick and Pastor Eric are caring individuals who cannot stand to see such atrocities go unresolved. The good Father took matters into his own hands, purchasing several “cold ones” to distribute to displaced helpless victims such as this gentleman here. Look at his face and how happy this simple act of kindness made him. Father Rick and the congregation at the First National Church are spearheading a movement to help these individuals. You can help yourself be closer to God by embarking on missions like this in your own town. Simply purchase some “cold ones” and distribute them directly to drunks in need. You may just make a friend for life. For more information about the church and the congregation please click Here.

Oh and it’s 6.6.6 today. Read some hella brillant evil shit from Dave White. He calls bullshit on Satan.

*SteveDave is a term I copped from my brother. It basically refers to any white, frat boy looking dude. They are all named shit like Steve, Dave, Mike, Brad or John anyway so we call them SteveDave. There is a fun game you can play called Steve Dave or Katie Kelly. Basically next time you are in a college town with a large frat contingent drive around with the windows rolled down and yell “Steve! Dave!” or “Kaaaaaaaaatie, Kelllllllllllllllllllly” at packs of bros and babes respectively and watch them spin around confused and ask each other “Did someone just call my name?” I personally like to drive around the same pack several times or until I get bored or they catch on. Usually I get bored before they catch on. Try it. It’s fun.