Wings with Sauce, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday…
Lettuce on Nachos: Lettuce does not belong on nachos or burritos or fucking tacos for that matter. I know some of your are probably like “but i like lettuce on my tacos.” To you people I say, “Listen whitey, that’s on you. Last time I had a taco in Mexico there wasn’t any fucking lettuce. I don’t tell you how to make a cheeseburger don’t tell me how to make a taco, okay?” I’ve got nothing against lettuce as a vegetable. Truth be told, I really enjoy a nice salad. The fact of the matter is lettuce is really fucking hard to find in Mexico. When I lived in the Yucatan you couldn’t get a salad to save your life. If you did find one it was the most disgusting thing you ever tasted cause guess what - lettuce doesn’t grow that well there. I got some nachos this past weekend that were covered with hot soggy lettuce. It was hot and soggy because guess what the cheese was fucking melty and hot and delicious. The bastard lettuce was goopin’ up the cheese and hindering me from enjoying the damn glory and wonder of the nachos. Same shit happens in a burrit or a taco. Lettuce gets hot. Lettuce does not taste good hot. Period. Think about it and stop the madness.
Not-So-Hot-”Hot Wings”: Sometimes I think I shoulda been a black guy or a Super Fan cause then I would have an excuse for my unadulterated love of the “hot wing” I fucking love hot wings. I love them so much even Eddie K sometimes calls me “Lil Spicy Chicken Wangs wit Sauce” from time to time. I can’t deny it, them shits are delicious. However, it is very rare that I get a truly hot, “hot wing.” Sure many are spicy, some are almost hot but few are indeed worthy of the name. This past week I participated in a semi-impromptu wing test. I had wings from several establishments in the states of Arizona and California. At each place we ordered the wings “HOT.” All in all every basket of wings consumed was not hot. Some made my lips burn a little bit but none of them had me waving my hands yelling “BEEEEER PLEASE” Which in case you didn’t know is how you tell if wings are indeed “HOT” Surprisingly the “hottest” wings tasted were from Domino’s Pizza. How crazy is that? I think there should be an organization that approves the useage of the term “HOT WINGS” just like they approve the usage of the term “ORGANIC” in order to protect people like myself from wack wings. Me and my brother could be the president and vice president of such organization. Dude that would rule.
No Peanut Butter Chip Cupcakes in SF: I’ve never even had one of thesebut I already know they are delicious and very worth $3.50 a piece. Sprinkles is a fancy ass cupcakerie* in Beverly Hills that specializes in fancy ass flavors like Peanut Butter Chip or Ginger Lemon or Chai Latte. They got hella press cause Oprah went “FREEEEE CUPCAKES FROM SPRINKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALS, PEOPLE!” on her show this one time. I could give two shits what Oprah thinks** but my pals in WeHo are always talking about making hella special trips to Sprinkles just to cop cupcakes. They talk about it like it’s some indulgent mission to score blow in the Valley, so I know the shit is good. I’m pissed because I fucking love cupcakes, shit I have one tattooed on my ankle, and to my knowledge ain’t no place to get a Peanut Butter Chip one here in SF. And I don’t back so don’t be fucking smart and say “Make Some” I stick to BBQing and other culinary shit, baking ain’t my bag. I burn shit every time. Next time I’m in the LA area I’m so going to Sprinkles.
*yeah i made that word up. what are you gonna do about it. watch that shit spread like wildfire.
** fuck - i hope i’m not doomed now. i hope typing bad about O doesn’t automatically release her minions to devour my flesh.
Player of the Week:
Dude who birthed the concept of the drive-thru liquor store
*please note this slide show has a little “+” button on the lower left hand corner. Press that bitch to speed the slide show up. Shit moves hella slow and i know you ain’t got all day. I bet Wanda from Accounting is looking over your shoulder right now thinking “Steve Dave never works, ever!”
Here in California we don’t have the drive-thru liqour store. I’ve heard the stories of the drive-thru liqour but always thought that shit was a myth. Now I know it is indeed a reality, cause I went to one in Tucson this past weekend. Let me be the first one to say IT’S FUCKING AWESOME! You just drive up, tell dude what you want, give him your bread and then he makes with the booze. Of course the only downfall is you really gotta know what you want. You can’t be pullin’ any of that sorority girl “I dunno you like SoCo? I puked last time…let’s get Stoli Vanilla instead” though otherwise you gonna fuck up the rotation. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that only experienced gurpers should fuck with the drive-thru. Pro - Gurpers like myself drink the same shit all the time so it’s nothing to roll up and cop your juice. The only dangerous part is it’s really hard to stop yourself from drinking it immediately. It just feels so right. I refuse to incriminate myself but let’s just say if you get a 40oz handed to you in a bag, pre-wrapped, I want to see you try and NOT twist the cap off and tip that bitch.
June 27th, 2006 at 9:08 pm
DAYYYYY-UMMMMM-it’s crazy that you can write all these things that are constantly on my mind! I hate lettuce on my tacos, burritos, and nachos-what in the hell are people thinking???? When I lived in Tabasco, Mexico I never saw a head of lettuce-and I never ate a taco in a stale hard shell neither! And hot wings…..ohhh I could go on about “hot” wings….Dominos are my faves but we gots a pizza place here called 341 and you order those bitches suicide and steam comes out ur ears-swear to god! We’ve had drive thru liqour stores since ‘nam tho……..
June 28th, 2006 at 7:42 am
Please don’t get jealous, but my mom is currently in negotiations to buy the drive thru beer store in the next town over. My brother in law already owns two beer & beverage stores in the area and is co-purchasing the drive thru place with her so she won’t have to worry about retirement. And if you’re wondering why we have beer stores here in PA, it’s cause you can’t buy beer or liquer at the grocery/convenience store. You have to purchase beer at a licensed beer distrubuter and liguer at a Wine & Spirits Store (otherwise known as a state store). It’s sucks to not be able to pick up a sixpack at the 7-11, but keeps my family in business. Plus, I get free beer!
June 28th, 2006 at 9:54 am
i think your boyfriend needs to visit the cupcakerie - his arms are looking hella skinny in that slide show! but mmmmmm - imagine if there was a drive through liquor store next door to sprinkles- heaven.
June 28th, 2006 at 11:25 am
Chrystal - I have a magic crystal ball that allows me to see into your brain. I also knew you would have my back on Mexico’s lack of lettuce. Thanks
Andrea - Man I am jealous. Free beer!
mle - don’t worry he’s thick where it counts. im totally opening up a cupcake and booze joint. only cupcakes and booze will be sold.
June 29th, 2006 at 12:30 am
Nachos, Hot Wings, Cupcakes and booze.
The Fatty is strong with this one.
June 29th, 2006 at 12:30 am
Also, best entry yet.
June 29th, 2006 at 10:27 am
even my pinche guero ass knows that lechuga has no place on a taco or burrito!! and well nachos? that’s just plain wrong…
when I was living in Memphis for a while. We had a drive thru liquor store, but your ass actually drove right thru it, no window. you drove right thru the store, it was kinda trippy because there we’re people walking around in that joint. totally forgot about that shit, a bit challenging if you we’re already sippin’ but it was easy on the requests “A-yo grab me some of them chilli-cheese fritos too homie!”
“not-hot’ wings are the worst, luckily we’ve got some dial-a-sauce joints here around the colleges (Cluck U Chicken) that go from mild to light your ass on fire wings, pretty good corn bread too.
which brings me to the last one.
No ‘cupcakeries’ but the Panderia by my house has the bomb ass rasberry and coconut mariana’s and those make me plenty happy.
June 29th, 2006 at 11:33 am
adam - i learned it by watching you. also i write hella funny shit all the time and i get best entry ever with a simple utterance of “wings” i know your steez-o, fat kid.
b.roos - word up. fuck lettuce. also drive-thru for real drive-thru is remarkable. that sounds fucking hilrious. i’ve had Cluck U Chicken. there is one by my mom’s pad in San Jo - indeed thier hotness chart helps. i’ve not gone to the top but my brother and i have def tried before next tim im in the Jo im going to the top!
mmmmm marianas…
June 29th, 2006 at 1:28 pm
Anyone who serves lettuce on mexican food should have a hot-wing stuffed head of romaine shoved in their too-chute. even my dago-ass knows better than that. face it, Whitey fucks up ethnic food every chance he gets. it’s part of the program to assimilate cultures into the melting pot of oppression and prejudice. I can’t even eat at an italian restaurant out of culinary fear that some half-bred wannabe italian will have the audacity to put bell peppers and onions in their pasta sauce. Yeah, it’s pasta fuck-o’s, not spaghetti. and if you put bell peppers and onions in your pasta sauce, then you are no better than those lettuce serving wannabe mexicans or those ‘if it’s red, it must be hot’ wannabe wings. I’ve said it before and I say it under my breath anytime I toast an adult beverage, “Fuck Whitey!”
June 29th, 2006 at 1:29 pm
Yeessss…..sometimes its like your in my head. HOT LETTUCE? WTF? definitely doesnt belong on any sort of naco, burrito or taco. the only exception: cabbage on tasty spicy fried fish tacos. but even the cabbage is a trooper and can withstand the heat, hence no wilting.
I heard about the elusive drive thru liquor sto’ when my sister visited a freind in Ohio. I was pretty damn jealous that Cali cant provide us gurpers with these holy wonders.
then again those poor bastards have to live in Ohio, what else are you gonna do but get wasted in a fuckin cornfield, or get wasted and watch Gummo.
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